Stages
by BellaBeth222
Summary: Her screams haunted him and Edward had to find out what had happened to Bella, the girl down the hall. As he see her life spiral out of control, he is drawn to help her. Can he save her before she destroys herself....
1. Chapter 1

A/N: These characters belong only to Stephanie Meyers. Right now, I'm just borrowing them.

Beware: This first chapter contains a Rape scene. There is no in depth description of it, but it is rape.

BPOV

As I step out of the fraternity in to the night, a cold breezes my hair across my face.

I shiver as the air cools my tear stained cheeks. There is no moon tonight. The campus security lights aren't bright enough to light my pathway home. I pull my shirt collar closer around my neck and clinch my shoulders. A burning pain shoots through my neck. Reaching up, I run a finger across the skin below my hairline. There are several thin, long scratches and the area stings at my touch.

_What did he do to me?_

In the distance, a door slams. I glance around me anxiously. There is no one. I continue walking. My boots clicking along with brick pathway, breaking the silence of the night.

I have no idea what time it is, but know it's late. I want to go home. I need to go home. His flannel shirt does little to keep me warm. It's too big, hanging low past my hips. It smells of cigarettes. Anyone walking by would know it's not mine. My hands are covered by the long sleeves. I didn't even bother to tuck it in. I just had to get out of there.

_Please don't let anyone see me._

I pull my arms across my chest, trying to find warmth. Holding my arms tighter, I press my fingers into the bruises on my arms. The pain hurts, but it blocks out the thoughts racing through my mind. I have to keep it together. _He was big. He was strong._

I live in the senior dorm on campus. I don't have any roommates, but my best friends live right across the hall. We have known each other since freshman year. We are always together. We even joined the same sorority, living in the house for a semester. We do everything together. We came to the party together. We were supposed to leave together.

_Why did they leave without me?_

My quick pace was causing my stomach to churn. I hadn't thought I drank that much but the acid pooling in my mouth told me otherwise. In two quick strides, I was off the path and emptying the contents of my stomach behind some bushes. After a moment, tears began swelling in my eyes and I fought to gain my breath. I had to go home.

On the path again, I continue walking, this time, much slower. My memory, clearing, provides small snip-its at first, flashed of familiar faces, Phish was blasting over the stereo, and the smell of..

….Black Label

I remember! It had still been early. We were all hanging out in the basement of the fraternity, laughing, dancing, and drinking that disgustingly cheap beer. It had been the group of us: Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, and me. Someone kept bringing me drinks. One of Emmett's frat brothers?

Another flash, now I was sitting in another room with Alice, Kate, Garrett and a few other guys I didn't recognize. That guy that was bringing me the drinks from earlier is there. They're passing around a bong. The guys are partaking, while we girls were laughed hysterically at the faces and sounds they were making.

My stomach began twisting again as the next memory hit.

* * *

In the dark room, someone is pinning me down. His breath was hot and rancid as he pants into my face. My jeans are pulled off. I try to move, to resist, but I can't lift my arms. My muscles are weak.

"Shush, baby. It will be okay," he whispers in my ear. I shake my head in response. He rips my underwear off, bruising my hips in the process.

"Please," I beg, my voice no more than a whisper.

"Everything will be fine, baby. Everything will be fine." At his last word, pain rips through my body as he breaks me.

"No. Please stop," I murmur.

He doesn't and now the music vibrating up from the basement is keeping time with his grunts. I turn my head away and succumb to the darkness.

I came to later. His arm is draped across my bare chest and he is snoring. His long blond hair cascades across a pillow. I choke back the sob as I look over my battered body. Rolling off the bed, I fall to the floor, praying I don't wake him. The light from the hallway that filters under the door helps me find my clothes. My jeans, bra and boots are easy to find. Frantically, I start searching for my shirt.

"Here," his raspy voice calls from the bed, startling me. Looking over, I see his arm outstretched towards me. He is holding a red, flannel shirt towards me.

Taking it, I quickly finish getting dressed.

A deep sigh comes from the bed. I turn back to him. He is lying, his hands covering his face. "Oh, God," he chokes out. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

I just stand there, staring at him.

His arms came down and he propped himself up, staring right at me. "We drank too much. Otherwise I never would have….We wouldn't have..."

Avoiding his eyes, I look down and put my boots on. "I have to go."

"Bella, I'm sorry," pleading again.

Looking back at his wide eyes, I can only nod.

Walking over to the door, I grab the handle, sending up a silent prayer that no one is in the hall. Opening the door, I glance back into the room. The room is a mess. Clothing is everywhere along with beer cans and cigarette butts. And there, by the bed was a bloody, used condom right next to my torn underwear.

EPOV

A noise coming from the hall woke me up. Lying in my comfortable warm bed, I was not ready to wake up. Besides, it was too cold to get out from under the covers. Burying my head further into my pillow, I grumbled. In all the years my parents had talked about St. Lawrence University, they failed to mention how soon the weather got cold. Christ, it's only the first day of October.

The noise in the hall was getting louder. Opening my eyes, I read the clock, 8:40. Crap. My first class isn't until noon. Pulling my comforter up closer to my chin, I started debating my options. I could try to ignore the noise and go back to sleep. Or I get up and yell at the bastard that woke me up. My irresponsible side wanted to stay in bed. The responsible side wanted to find out what the hell was going on. It's my job. I am the Resident Assistant and I'm supposed to look after my hall.

Lying there, I couldn't make up my mind. So I decided more information was needed. I started listening, trying to decipher what exactly was going on outside my door.

The sound were soft; someone was talking repetitively. It didn't sound serious. So I rolled over and closed my eyes.

Crap. Whoever it is, decided to start banging on another door. As this dorm was old and poorly insulated, the sound carried right to my room.. Damn, they were persistent. Just as I was getting ready to jump out of bed and yell at the idiot out in the hall, the knocking stopped. Thank God.

This was a crappy way to start the day after my even crappier evening. I was on duty last night and had to deal with some really stupid sophomores who decided to experiment with smoking tea leaves rolled in Bounce dryer sheets. That had actually been hysterical. I was standing in a double suite with campus security, my resident director, and a first responder, watching these three idiots try to prove that their "tea joint" really did smell like marijuana when burned.

Sighing at the thought of sharing this tidbit with my friends, I decided I actually should get up. While getting dressed, I heard the knocking again. Only this time it was on my door.

I opened it to find Alice looking at me with a frantic expression on her face.

"Alice?"

"Edward… I'm so sorry to wake you. But I ……I really need your help"

"Sure. What's up?" responding but not quite understanding why my best friend's girl was standing outside my door. Before I could even think about it, she grabbed my arm, dragging me into the hall. Pulling me two doors down, she stopped and looked at me with the most desperate eyes.

That's when I heard it, a muffled cry coming from behind the door we were standing close to.

"I need to get in there." Alice commanded, her eyes pleading with me. I had a hard time recognizing her voice, it held so much authority.

"I ….. Um..."

"Don't give me that shit. You're the RA. I know you have a master key," her eyes flashed in anger. In that moment, the stifled cries were becoming louder. I stood there, my eyes dashing between Alice and the door. Damn. Why did I have to be the Resident Assistant?

I just started speaking when an agonizing scream jolted through me. Breaking her glare at me, Alice turned towards the door and started pounding.

"Bella, Bella. Sweetie….. Please open the door." Alice was now pounding on the door.

In that second, my instinct kicked in. Turning up the hallway, I ran towards the resident director's office. Crashing through the fire doors, I continued running, turning left, then right until I reached the small office. The door was unlocked. Bursting in, I went straight for the filling cabinet, yanking it open. I fished my hand into the drawer, grabbing the little key that was hidden at the bottom. I slammed it shut before sprinting back out of the office.

Coming back through the fire doors, I took in the small crowd that was gathering outside the door. The agonizing screams hit me again, causing my heart to skip a beat. Alice was still pounding on the door when I reached her.

"Bella….. Bella…..I'm right here…. Please open the door." Tears streaked down Alice's cheeks.

Charging in front of everyone, I slipped the key in the lock and turned the knob. Ducking under my arm, Alice charged into the room. Standing there, I took in the scene before me.

I could barely make out the small form huddled on the bed. The only body part I could see were her tiny white hands, clutching her head, as she rocked back and forth.

Running over to the bed, Alice collapsed on the floor next to the quivering figure. Her hands began running tenderly over the intertwined fingers and brown tresses.

"Bella, honey, I'm right here," Alice said, soothingly. The screams ceased under her touch. A low whimper replacing it. The rocking motion continued unabated.

Glancing over her shoulder, Alice's eyes conveyed a silent message to me. Reading her thoughts, I closed the door behind me, blocking out the small crowd that had gathered outside of the room.

"Bella," Alice called with authority. "Bella, wake up"

Suddenly, the brown mass of hair was thrown back as Bella bolted upright; the covers dropping to her white shirt matched her skin. Her eyes, wide and filled with terror, looked past Alice and bore into me. Her cheeks, scarlet in color, were streaked with tears. I could feel her agony and fear from across the room.

Alice, leaning right into our line of sight, placed her hands on Bella's face drawing her gaze to her. "Bella, it's Alice."

As quickly as the panic had filled her eyes, it disappeared.

"Alice?"

"Hey there, sweetie" Alice said, smiling at her.

Looking around her, Bella took in her surrounding, as if trying to convince herself of where she was. The blush of her face started fading slightly as she took a deep, calming breath.

Focusing solely on Alice, Bella's face relaxed, melting into the palms of Alice's small hands. Her eyes closed, for a moment. Popping back open, she looked at Alice in panic. Instantly, her face turned almost translucent and I saw her jaw muscles clench.

Knowing that look from my experiences living in a fraternity house, I quickly scanned the room. Finding what I needed, I jumped towards the two girls, propping the waste paper basket in front of Bella.

Throwing up is never pretty to watch, but my heart ached as Bella began retching into the basket. Alice continued to kneel next to her, holding her long brown hair out of the way.

Spotting a mini fridge, I walked to it, hoping to find a bottle of water for her. I was in luck. Grabbing one, I went back over to the bed, but not before picking up a towel I found lying on the floor. Opening the water, I poured some of the contents onto the towel, dampening it.

"Here," I said, holding the towel out to Alice. She took it and began wiping it along Bella's forehead. After a moment, Bella straightened up. Looking over at me, a sheepish smile crept over her lips. Stepping forward, I held out the water bottle.

She accepted it, taking a small sip. "Thanks"

"Better?" Alice questioned.

Bella nodded before taking another sip. A shiver trembled through her body and she leaned back into her bed. Alice continued to stroke the damp cloth over her face.

"I am so sorry," Bella said after a moment. Her voice sounded hoarse after her interlude with the garbage pail.

"Don't even worry about it, honey," Alice chirped before continuing. "Was it a night terror?"

Looking down at the water bottle clasped in her hands, Bella shook her head. "I don't know. It's been so long." She stopped, taking another sip of water. "I really can't remember anything."

Alice stood then, sitting next to Bella on the bed, all the while continuing to rub her friend's back.

I was the odd man out and I knew it as I watched Alice comfort Bella. Sensing something deeper going on between them, I turned, heading for the door. I was about to open it, when three thunderous knocks came coursing through Bella's door.

"Shit," I muttered, knowing exactly who was on the other side. "I'll take care of this," I called to the girls before opening the door.

Just as I expected, two guards from campus security were standing in the hall. Squeezing out through a crack, so as to not open it any further than necessary, I turned towards the officers.

"Hey guys," I greeted them, quietly closing the door behind me.

"Hi, Edward," the taller of the two responded. "We got a call about some screaming."

Trying my best to relax my posture, I folded my arms across my chest before answering. "Yeah, one of my residents had a really bad dream," I said. A smirk came across the older one's face. Shit, they don't believe me.

Just as I was about to launch into some psycho-babble about dreams, the door behind me opened and closed again, Alice popping up next to me.

"Oh my God. I am so sorry," she started, launching into a whirl wind explanation. "My best friend, Bella has night terrors. I was her roommate freshman year and let me tell you it scared the hell out of me too." She paused, taking a breath. "She's had them since she was little. Esme, the campus counselor knows all about them. And so does Edward."

At this point she was staring knowingly at me. Nodding to the security guys, I cemented her argument. Boy was she good, I thought silently to myself.

"Anyway, I am so sorry you both had to be brought out here for nothing. But I really appreciated it and so does Bella," Alice said in the sweetest of voices. Just for effect, she leaned into me slightly, caressing my arm in a very sisterly way. Damn. Remind me never to go against Alice. Batting her eyelashes a few more times, the guards were basically putty in her hands.

"Well, as long as everything is okay?" the younger one questioned me.

"Everything is good, Officer," I replied, hoping that emphasizing his title would help the situation. It did. A minute later, they turned and walked back towards the entrance of the dorm.

Once they were through the fire doors, I turned to Alice, "A night terror?"

Alice stood next to me and for the first time I realize she looked scared.

"I don't know" she admitted, her voice wavered slightly. "Bella had terrible dreams when we lived together freshman year. One time she woke up screaming, but I have never seen anything like that." Alice leaned closer to me.

"It was terrible for the first few months of school during freshman year. When she finally opened up to me, I found out that her parents had just separated and were getting a divorce. But even during those nightmares……" Alice stopped, looking me straight in the eye. "Edward, she never screamed like that before."

Nodding, I digested her words. Alice, always so confident in herself, was scared for her friend. Reaching across the distance, I took her thin forearm between my fingers and squeezed. She closed her eyes, accepting my touch. Then, turning, she opened Bella's door and re-entered.

Standing in the now-empty hallway, I began to process the events that had just taken place.

I had known Bella since the second half of sophomore year. That was when her roommate, Alice, began dating my best friend, Jasper. We would talk on occasion. We even shared some classes together. But I was too preoccupied with school, my fraternity and my job to really pay much attention to her.

Things would be different now. Her screams, her cries, and the absolute terror in her big beautiful brown eyes were going to haunt me. Something had happened and I need to know what.

A/N Please read and review. It's the only way I'll get better


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Again, I own nothing. I apologize for any discrepancies. I am new to posting and haven't gotten used to all the bugs. Hope you enjoy. More will come soon.

Back in my room, I plopped on my bed grabbing my IPod. I started scrolling through my playlist, looking for some mind numbing composition that would erase the dismal events of this morning from my mind.

Smash Mouth, no. The Killers, no. Crap, even listening to All American Rejects was a complete failure. The knot in my stomach was getting worse as my frustration increased. Maybe I needed something classical. Finding YoYo Ma, I pressed play. As his rendition of Bach Suite, No. 1 filled my ears, the unnerving tenseness and anxiety pulsing through my limbs began to abate. God, what that man could do with a cello.

I have been a Resident Assistant since sophomore year. I've been through all the training and courses on how to deal with the college crap that comes with the job. I know all the ins and outs of conflict resolution and roommate counseling and have given my fair share of hall programs dealing with everything from college hazing to STD's. It was that training that helped keep me calm and responsive when dealing with Bella and Alice this morning. I handled it, made sure she was all right and left her in Alice's capable hands. But now what? The college staff didn't tell me anything on how to settle the fuck back down after dealing with a totally screwed up situation.

The music was helping, but not enough. The cello would hit an extended high note and I would imagine the screams again. It wasn't just the screams I couldn't shake from my subconscious, it was the absolute terror that filled her big brown eyes. If it were any other resident on my hall, I wouldn't be affected as much. But this was Bella.

I met Bella i our sophomore year, when my roommate Jasper discovered her roommate Alice. They were disgustingly cute and uncharacteristically nervous about being alone together. That's where Bella and I came in. We were the safety nets for their budding relationship.

It was actually pretty comical. We would go out drinking at one of the three bars the college town had. Alice would play coy. Jasper would flirt. And Bella and I would snicker at the sickening lovebirds. You could see the phrase "just get on with it" floating between Bella and me, like one of those PBS kid specials,

The group gatherings didn't last long as Alice and Jasper fell into the most disgustingly comfortable relationship I've ever seen, outside of my parents. We still all met together at the campus pub, or hung out at my fraternity for parties, but those times were becoming few and far between as we moved on to our junior year.

I saw Bella around campus occasionally. That was one advantage of going to a small liberal arts college. We shared biology and political science our junior year and now had Native American Religion together. We were casual acquaintances, always saying "hi", exchanging pleasantries and making small talk at parties. We hardly ever met as a group anymore, but Bella was still close to Alice and Jasper. I even noticed her hanging with Emmett and Rose more during our junior year. She was reserved and self-confident and totally opposite of the jackass I turned into my junior year.

It was part of the social evolution of college and I dove feet first into the anthropological experiment while my friends kept their heads and self-respect.

As a freshman, you are so happy to be away from mom and dad that you'll do just about anything once you've discovered your new found freedom. Sophomores have a pretty good understanding of college life and are plotting like hell to get the top of whatever social ladder they think is the best. Junior year is the party year, when you are at the top of your game and are now viewed as hot shit. A junior can play, party and experiment with everything from drugs to sex. We do this our junior years to get all the ludicrous and idiotic impulses out of our system before reality hits. And reality is what blindsides you when you become a senior. During your final year, you realize that after graduation, you will be homeless, jobless and penniless. It's not like you can ask mom or dad for cash after they mortgaged their house to get you a good education. It was part of college evolution and my junior year I dove into it feet first, while my friends kept their grades and their integrity.

To say I enjoyed the promised land is an understatement. I partied more than I attended class. Miraculously, my grades didn't suffer as much as my liver. I chased after everything in a skirt. I'd date them, screw them and after a few weeks of "dating" I'd dump them. Jasper and Emmett put up with my revolving door dating, only occasionally questioning my motives and behavior. It wasn't until one night studying with Alice a few weeks before spring break that she finally made me take stock of myself. Staring at me with the most piercing eyes, she said, "Your future is going to be lost. If you continue looking in all the wrong places, with all the wrong girls, you are never going to find what your parents have." I was about to rip her head off and tell her to mind her own fucking business, but she pick up her book and left leaving me alone.

During spring break at home with my parents, I realized Alice was right. My parent's marriage was an honest to goodness fairytale. They met at St. Lawrence, fell in love here and even came back for their wedding. The love and respect that they have for one another is so strong and overpowering it flows through everyone they touch. I could have gone to any college, anywhere. But I chose here. Maybe because I wanted what my parents had. I wanted a happily ever after too.

Thinking about my own behavior throughout college, I realized Bella didn't really fit the classic Darwinist trend of college. She joined a sorority with Alice her second year. I remember only because Jazz rubbed it in my face that he was in love with a sorority girl. Alice totally fit but I never could connect Bella with the sorority stereotype. I soon learned that I didn't have to reconcile it. Even though Bella belonged to a sorority, she wasn't your traditional sorority sister. She didn't change or conform, like I saw other girls do.

Seeing her out with her sisters at dances and mixers, she enjoyed herself, but never lost her personality to the house consensus. She drank but was always in control. I never saw her hang on any guys, which unfortunately was a very common occurrence when males, females and alcohol mix together. She was constant. There was really no other way to describe her.

But that wasn't her this morning. The steady and mature girl I've seen over the past three years was missing. She was just not there. Even as Alice smoothed away the brown locks from her face, Bella looked empty and hollow.

Maybe it was a night terror, like Alice said. I don't know much about them, but I've heard they can be terrifying. That fit. But something was wrong and Alice's words came back to me again.

_"But even during those nightmares…Edward, she never screamed like that before." _

The look on Alice's face was as haunting as Bella's screams.

As YoYo Ma finished, I realized my efforts to relax had failed miserably. My stomach was still in knots. I didn't know what to do and I hated the anxiety building up in my limbs. I wanted to see her again. I could just knock on her door to make sure everything was all right. Even if she was still upset, at least I could check and make sure Alice was with her

I stretched my muscles, preparing to jump out of bed when the theme from "All in the Family" started playing on my cell. Reaching over, I grabbed it from the nightstand, knowing exactly who was on the line. "Hi Mom"

"Hey, Sweetheart. I hope I didn't wake you?" my mom said, giggling.

Since I was a little kid, she relished waking me up every morning. It was her mission in life and she didn't let me being away, stop her.

"Naw, I've been up for hours," teasing her back.

"Well as long as you're alone."

"MOM," I said groaned.

"Hey. I'm just teasing. You know when your father and I were your age..."

"Okay. Okay. Okay," I said, snapping at her. Her hearty laugh carried loudly through the phone.

"All right. I'm done. I'm just calling to make sure you are still coming home for Thanksgiving," she inquired.

"Yeah, I'm still coming home. Why are you asking though? Turkey day is two months away?"

"I know. I'm just calling to make sure, that's all." There was a pause. Her silence sent up an immediate red flag. "We all just miss you," she continued in her sweetest voice.

Shit. Something was up.

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"What? I'm not doing anything," she replied, trying to sound innocent.

"You are up to something. What is it?"

"Nothing. Nothing is going on." God, she's a terrible liar.

"Fine." I snapped, "Let me speak to dad."

"He's not here. He left for the office early today." Now she was being coy.

"Okay, then I'll just call him there," I retorted, knowing full well I would find out what she was up to from him.

"Now, Edward. Don't be like that. Nothing's going on. I just wanted to make sure you were coming home for Thanksgiving. I just miss you."

"I miss you too, but you're a crappy liar." I crossed my fingers and kept silent hoping honesty might get her to fess up. I really didn't want to call dad. My silence was getting to her. I could hear her biting her fingernails on the other end. She was trying to formulate a response.

"Well....I ran into Carmen and Eleazar and invited them for Thanksgiving."

Wow, she was coming clean. She clearly didn't want me calling dad.

"We haven't seen them in such a long time. And since Katie and Irina have moved out and aren't coming home for the holiday, I thought it would be nice for them to join us." She paused again, waiting. I knew there was more, so I just let the silence hang again between us. "And I think Tanya will be with us too." Her voice was soft when she continued.

Arrrg. My frustration boiled over.

"Now Edward, I know..." she started, but I quickly cut her off.

"Mom, please not now. I really don't want to discuss this with you. Again." I could imagine the force of my voice probably made her step back. "I have too much going on right now and I don't want to talk about Tanya. Okay?" I barked.

"Okay." Silence again. "Just think about it alright?"

"I will. I've got to get going. I have a class and I need to get ready," I said.

"Okay. Take care and I will talk to you soon."

"Fine."

"I love you, Edward." Her voice sounded pained but I hung up the phone anyway.

My brain was now officially fried. My mother had succeeded where YoYo Ma couldn't. I was now consumed with thoughts of home, Thanksgiving, and worst of all, Tanya.

Grabbing my bath supplies, I left my room and headed to the showers. If I could get the water hot enough, maybe it would burn the memories of Tanya out of my mind. She didn't belong there anymore.

Twenty minutes later, I emerged; my head was clearer and my skin, hot and crimson. Back in my room, I got dressed and towel dried my messy bronze hair before heading out of the dorm. I had an hour before my first class and I definitely needed food in order to stay awake through another lecture on molecular biology.

Grabbing my books, I stepped out into the hallway and locked my door. Walking down the hall, I paused briefly at Bella's door. There was no noise now, only silence. I'm not really religious, but standing there, I said a silent prayer, hoping that Bella was alright and that He would look over her.

It was chilly walking across campus, but the cold felt nice, refreshing. The campus was pretty quiet as most students were still in class. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. The trees surrounding the buildings and walkway were in full autumn bloom. I'd been here for four years, and every fall I was amazed at the undefined beauty of northern New York. It's unpopulated, under-developed and stunningly picturesque. Even the stone and brick structures of the college blend naturally with scenery. No doubt about it - St. Lawrence is a gorgeous campus.

Inside the student union, the pub was desolate and peaceful, with only a few student scattered around. I purchased a pre-made sandwich and a bottle of Coke and took a seat at a table in the far corner. Sitting towards the wall, I put my earphones in and proceeded with my favorite recreational activity, people-watching and tried again to forget about this morning.

The song Dammit by Blink 186 was just concluding, when someone tapped on my shoulder.

"Christ, Emmett," I growled, pulling the plugs from my ears.

"Hey, Bro," he smirked before taking a seat next to me. "So, um... how was babysitting," he asked before diving into his massive cheeseburger.

Growling again, I silently told him to 'fuck off' with my glare.

"Well, you missed a great ... session," Emmett continued, mouth half full and completely oblivious to the annoyed look on my face. It was a common joke within our fraternity, weekends are for house parties, and weekdays are for jam sessions. Taking a gulp from his drink, he continued, "It was actually pretty tame, that is until Rose and I...."

"Emmett," I hissed, rolling my eyes.

"Dude, sorry," Emmett said. "We had a pretty good time, you know. The stereo in the basement kicks ass now that Jake fixed it. We should be all set for the house party this Saturday."

"Great," I responded, barely containing my cynicism. Granted, joining a fraternity my freshman year had been awesome. What underage freshman wouldn't want to get drunk for free and have girls hang all over you. And during my slumming period it came in handy in getting laid. But by the end of my junior year, the novelty had worn off, and now it was just an annoying obligation.

"Hey, come by tonight," Emmett continued, totally oblivious to my lack of enthusiasm. "We started on the party mix but we totally need your help. If Jake and James have their way, we would be listening to Tool or Bush. That's not going to help anyone get laid. Well, Bush might," Emmett chuckled. "Of course last night we were so high, that Abba was sounding good."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Yeah, it's a shame I missed out on killing some brain cells with you idiots.... Oh man you wouldn't believe what some asinine sophomores tried to do last night?"

Emmett's reaction to the story of the tea leaves and dryer sheets was even funnier than witnessing the event. He was laughing so hard that table was shaking and tears were pooling in his eyes. He was so obnoxious that when his girlfriend Rosalie entered the pub, she came right over to us

"Hey, Baby," Emmett said, wiping the tears from his eyes, as Rosalie planted a big kiss on his cheek.

"Hey, yourself," she smiled before turning to me. "Hello Edward."

"Hello Rosalie," I snidely replied back.

I have known Rosalie since freshman year when we lived across the hall from each other. We despised each other then, and four years of college did nothing to change that.

"So how was Brit Lit?" Rosalie questioned Emmett. I just started to put my earphones back in when I heard that name that had been plaguing me all morning. Looking over to Emmett, I was now captivated by everything he was saying.

"It was crappy. I totally forgot to ask Bella for her notes last night. I was completely too fucked up to remember."

"Christ, Emmett. You better get those notes. You're going to be screwed if you fail Berger's class," Rosalie admonished him.

"Yeah, I know. I know." Emmett's face was now in full puppy dog pout mode

"Wait. Bella's in your Brit. Lit. class?" I choked out, having finally found my voice again.

"Naw, she took it last year, but Alice says she has awesome notes from Berger's class. Those notes were the only way Alice passed. You know how Berger is such a hard ass."

"Yeah, I remember." And I did. Professor Berger was the hardest teacher and a fanatic about British literature, especially Shakespeare. I didn't realize Bella had done so well that her notes had become a coveted resource for my friends.

"Anyway, she took off before I could ask her. Maybe I'll..."

"Bella was at the house last night?" I snapped at him. Emmett didn't seem to notice my tone, but Rosalie was shooting daggers at me for barking at her boyfriend.

"Yeah, she came over with Alice and Angela."

"Oh." It was the only response I could mutter. Bella occasionally came to our house parties, but this was the first time I've heard of her coming over on a weekday. "So you all hung out together?" I probed, trying to be discreet. Emmett was still clueless, but Rosalie was too observant for her own good.

She just continued to stare at me, absorbing my words with interest before baiting me. "Yeah, Bella was hanging out with us in Jake's room." Her lips twitched as she waited for my reaction. This was just another reminder of why Rose irritated the shit out of me. She was too sharp and calculating for her own good. She was also nosy as hell.

I took a bite of my sandwich, trying to control the nervousness that was swirling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't about to give Rose any hint that Bella was in the forefront of my thoughts.

"Oh God, that's right. I forgot she was with us at Jake's," Emmett chirped. My fondness for Emmett grew when he answered her question, thus giving me an opening to continue the topic without seeming too interested.

"Really," I said turning to Emmett, prompting him for more details.

"Yeah, we were all just kind of hangin'. Jasper showed up after a bit and he and Alice took off. Angela was there. I think her and Ben hooked up. I don't really know. We left a few minutes after Jazz and Alice. "

Something in my brain clicked when Emmett voice stopped. "You left Bella at the house?"

Now, Rosalie was really staring at me, but right now I didn't give a shit. "Was Bella there when you left?"

"What?" Emmett looked at me now, clearly confused.

"Was Bella there when everyone left?" I repeated, getting annoyed.

"Well....no. She left pretty early."

"Oh," I replied, my face falling slightly. I couldn't help being a little disappointed that I didn't obtain more information regarding Bella's night. I couldn't shake this feeling, this restlessness that was building inside me, that Bella's nightmare, her screams had some connection to last night. Maybe something happened, or she saw something that brought back to the surface those nightmares she experienced her freshman year.

But Alice had said that those dreams had to do with Bella's parents divorcing. What could happen in college to bring up those feeling again? I tried envisioning what it was like to be shuffled between two people who were supposed to be there, together, always. I had no frame of reference.

Rosalie coughed loudly, drawing my attention away from my thoughts. "Didn't Bella leave with James?" she questioned, watching intently for any reaction on my part. Thankfully, Emmett came to my rescue again.

"Naw, I caught him in the hallway just before we left. He saw Bella leaving just after Jasper and Alice, saying something about her being tired. He was on his way to crash himself, but wanted to let me know that Bella took off. Man, I wish she would have told me she was leaving. I would have walked her home."

Rosalie face changed in an instant with that information. Her features softened, and a genuine look of concern spread across her face. And then her eyes turned fierce and she smacked Emmett upside the head.

"Ow. What was that for?" Emmett snarled at her.

"You're right. You should have walked her home," Rosalie bellowed at him. "She was hanging out with us at your fraternity, and you let her walk home alone."

"How was I ......" Emmett's self defense was cut short by a shout coming from across the pub.

We all turned to see Jasper jogging up to us. His appearance was uncharacteristically disheveled and he was out of breath.

"Hey, have you guys seen Alice?" he panted.

Rose was the first to speak. "No, haven't seen her... Wait didn't she go home with you last night?"

"No. She was feeling kind of funny after we left Jake's and she asked me to walk her back to the dorm. She said something about needing to sleep there last night. I didn't get into it with her. You know Alice. Once her mind is set, there is no way around it." Pulling up a chair, Jasper continued. "I've stopped by there just now, and she wasn't there, and she's not answering her phone. Edward, did you see her this morning before you left?"

Shit. It was a simple question, but it didn't feel like it. I knew, or at least I hoped I knew, where Alice was, but in relaying that information, it would bring up a whole other topic that was so private, so personal, I wanted to protect it with everything in my being. I couldn't lie, especially to Jasper, so I quickly decided that less was best.

"Only for a second," I responded, taking a big bite out of my sandwich, praying he wouldn't ask for details. The concerned look on his face fell away as he let out a long sigh. I knew then that he wouldn't question me. With those four words, he knew Alice was okay and that was all he needed.

I couldn't help but smile a little at the thought of how wonderfully simplistic and trusting their relationship was. It wasn't volatile like Emmett's and Rose's, but deep and reverent. Like that stupid line from "Jerry McGuire", they complete each other.

Glancing at the clock on my cell phone, I noted I only had a few more minutes to get to class. Gathering my things and saying good bye to my friends I started for the door. Bidding their farewells, they turned back to each other re-engaging in their conversation. Just before leaving the pub, I did hear Emmett yelling to me, reminding me about stopping by the house tonight. _Yeah, I'll put that right on the top of 'my' to do list_.

Walking out into the fresh air again was nice. The pub had gotten noisy and crowded and I needed the silence to concentrate on what I discovered about Bella's evening. She was at the house, hanging out, but then apparently left without really telling anyone. She talked to James, but he is an ass. Why even speak to him? Maybe something happened while walking home. It's about a half mile between the dorm and house.

I got it. I'll stop by the campus security after class and ask the secretary, Mrs. Cope if anything was reported last night. She is one of the few people on campus I purposely charm. With a crooked smile and a few flirting looks with my mesmerizing green eyes, she gave out information without a second thought, such as when security would raid the Fraternities, what guards were on duty and which area they were patrolling. She made my job as an RA pretty easy, along with making me very popular with my Fraternity.

And after visiting Mrs. Cope, I knew where I had to go next - back to the dorm. I would knock on Bella's door. I couldn't explain it, but I had to see her. I was drawn to her like a magnet and I needed to look into her round brown eyes again just to make sure she was okay.

A/N Review Review Review. I can only post more if you review.........


	3. Chapter 3

A/N

To my awesome readers and reviewers:

This is my first fanfiction and I am totally stoked that you have welcomed it with open arms. (yeah, I know, I just quoted Journey lyrics, so shoot me) Anyway, I planned on doing this story strictly from Edwards POV. The thing is, I really think Bella should be heard, but only if you want her side. I have started a journal, strictly from Bella regarding what she goes through during the aftermath of her rape.

Review, if you want to read it. I will put it as a companion to Stages so not to interrupt the flow of the story. It will be titled Stages: Bella's Journal.

So shout out and send me a sign......

BTW..... you all are awesome


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Again I own nothing and please forgive for any grammar and such. My Beta has her hands full and I wanted to get this out to you.

Molecular Biology is normally a fascinating subject. The things that could be accomplished with DNA and genetics and stem cells could lead to limitless possibilities, like finding a cure for Alzheimer's or allowing Superman to walk again (if he wasn't already dead). This is what Dr. Freeman is lecturing about today. He is giving us the tools and inspiration to go out there and help people. But his voice floats in one ear and out the other for me. All I can do is count the minutes until class if over.

Because when class is over, I will put my plan in to action. I'll head to security, coerce information out of Mrs. Cope using my dazzling charm and find out anything and everything that happened on campus last night. Afterwards, I will head to the dorm, knock on room 105 and wait for her to open the door. Right now, I didn't give a shit about nucleic isolation. I just want to see Bella and her big beautiful brown eyes.

With every passing minute, thoughts of her are invading me and to be honest I'm at in awe of the hold she is taking on me. I should feel guilty, ashamed. Maybe it's that 'damsel in distress' phenomenon that men fall into when they see a girl in trouble. But I didn't come to her rescue, I handed her a garbage pail. That had to be it, I started to believe, rationalizing the feelings pulsing though me for Bella. She needed help and I was there. I just want to make sure she's all right.

I mean, I'm not looking for anything. I don't want anything. The time I spent with Tanya over summer break, successfully slaughtered all romantic ideas I ever possessed. I loved Tanya, or at least I thought I did. But it turned out to be wrong, so wrong and corrupt on so many levels. It took me a while to realize it. Her way of loving was far from the actual emotion, and it jaded me, broke me.

Halfway into Dr. Freeman lecture, as my mind swirled around the damage that Tanya had done, something dawned on me. If I were in a cartoon, a light bulb would have flashed on above my head. The agony and fear, I saw in Bella's eyes were not the only emotion present. She looked defeated and ruined. I recognized it instantly. I saw it every day after my shower when I stared into the mirror. I started seeing it my eyes the day after I left Tanya.

For some reason that knowledge, that revelation sealed my determination. I remember Bella, laughing and joking, when we used to hang out with Alice and Jasper our sophomore year. She was funny, optimistic, always saw the masterpiece behind the indecipherable brush strokes of a mad artist. I have every reason to be jaded, to encase my heart. Tanya had seen to that. But Bella is light, and even though I hardly talked to her last year or the beginning of this, she always held this sense of confidence and cheeriness. The despondency she displayed this morning broke my heart. Maybe I could help. I wanted to help. I somehow couldn't stomach the idea that Bella might become as cynical me.

The more I thought about it the stronger my resolve became to help Bella. It started off as a need to find out what had happened, but now was spiraling into a desperate desire to keep her... from becoming like me.

Unfortunately, my common sense kicked in knocking my self-centered ass down a few notches. Sure I was there this morning to help Alice and shoo campus security away. But what possible reason would I have for knocking again on her door.

_Hi Bella, how are you feeling? So, some nightmare, huh? Hey, I thought you might need another garbage pail._

Yeah, that impression just screams that I'm still the jerk I was last year. Which I'm pretty sure she thought I still was. But no, knocking on her door now would totally give her the 'I'm the nosy RA' and my job requires me to check in on you.

_Oh and please don't be mortified. I don't think security made a report of this or anything. I'm sure the half the dorm isn't questioning your mental stability or anything. No one waiting for your head to spin like Linda Blair, really._

If I wasn't in class, I would have fashioned my hand into a gun and pretend to shot myself for concocting such a ludicrous plan like knocking on Bella's door.

Ok, so how could I approach Bella without making an ass of myself? Just so my professor wouldn't get annoyed at the apparent lack of attention I was giving him, I opened my notebook so it would look like I was taking notes. In actuality, I was listing ways to see Bella without making me look stalkerish and immediately putting her on the defensive. Because the one thing I remembered very clearly about Bella was that she was very proud and extremely stubborn. So I would just have to play it cool. I could still knock on her door; I just needed a really plausible reason for doing it.

Class was wrapping up and the paper in front of me was blank. Maybe by the time I reached the dorm, I will have figured out something. Just then my jacket pocket buzzed. I looked to the teacher, praying that he didn't hear anything, but he was too busy taking final questions. Freeman was notorious for confiscating phones if he found them in use during his class, even with five minutes left. I loved my IPhone and would fight tooth and nail before I'd let some nerd ass teacher take it. Thankfully, my phone only buzzed once. And that could only mean one thing. I just got a text.

At the end of class, I hung back, trying to look lazing in putting my books and notes into my pack. When I knew I wasn't being watched, which is crazy in itself, because who the hell would care if I looked at my phone or not I took a peek at it.

Yep, I was right. I had a new text message and opened it. I may be smooth and charismatic, but only to myself will I ever admit that I can't read, text and walk at the same time. And the trek out of the building involved stairs. I pressed the stupid, New Text Message button and waited. It was basically a nano second before it opened. God, I love Apple. I read the message, again and again. I even back tracked through my phone to see if I missed anything, because this truly didn't make sense. The message was from Alice and only contained two words 'don't do it'. Ok, that's actually three.

What the bloody hell. Ironically those were the first words that popped into my head, as I had just watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban last night. I thought seriously about typing that response back to Alice when another text came through.

'I'm outside. Meet me'.

For some reason a sudden chill flew down my spine. Alice amazed me. She also scared the shit out of me. She would say she had a gift. I would call it a curse. Whatever it was, Alice seemed to know what people, particularly those closest to her, where planning or doing. Only, this sixth sense of hers was extremely erratic and equally cryptic. This was the exact reason why she made the hair on my skin crawl whenever her eyes crossed and her voice turned eerie and poetic.

And now thinking about her message and the fact that she was waiting for me, I started to get pissed, because she was totally going to screw with my plan. I knew what she wanted to talk to me about and even though I was extremely interested in what she had to say, I mentally made a vow to myself that no matter what, I was still going to knock on Bella's door. Hell, maybe she could give me some ideas on what to say.

I stepped out into the bright sun, from the science building, and just like she said, Alice was waiting for me. She was perched under a large Maple, whose colors were so blinding and sensational, that I would have walked right by her, if she hadn't been calling my name. It didn't surprise me that she was color coordinated with the autumn trees.

Smiling, she rushed up to me and laced her left arm through my right. I didn't look at her. I didn't need to. I knew that face, the consoling look was prominent from her forehead to her chin. Her dark hazel eyes were no longer upsetting as they were this morning. They were soothing, comforting but most or all calculating. And before I could even take measure of her, she spoke.

"You can't stop by to see Bella."

If I hadn't known Alice for three years, I might have stumbled at her uncanny intuition. As it was, I just continued walking. Alice didn't make my decisions for me. I did.

"It's just not a good time to visit her in her room."

Well, Shit. I couldn't help it. I stopped mid stride and looked at her, thoroughly incensed. I huffed too, hoping it would further convey my irritation. Who was she to tell me what I could or couldn't do? And how the hell did she know I was going to Bella's room. I opened my mouth to give her a snappy retort, when she cut me off.

"Edward," her voice softening. "Please. I just really don't think it's a smart idea to visit Bella right now." She gave my arm a gentle squeeze in a vain attempt to sooth me. "I know you want to stop by her room but I think that would really make things worse." She pulled me forward again to continue our walk.

Crap. Crap. Crap. I didn't want to change my mind, but Alice's intuition and complete understanding of the human psyche was totally throwing my plan right out the window. I couldn't help but look down in fascination along with exasperation at my pixie friend and her uncanny ability. Why she had gone into interior decorating was a total mystery to me.

"Fine." It was the only word force out.

Alice sent another gentle squeeze to my arm and together we walked in silence away from the science building. Absentmindedly I walked us past the cultural center and language arts building and headed towards the student union. Alice didn't ask where we were headed. Hell she probably all ready knew. She may have killed the Bella part of my plan, but I still wanted to speak to Mrs. Cope.

*****

It is an utterly empty feeling, when you suddenly realize that your questions have no answers. I could have beaten Mrs. Cope with a crow bar and she wouldn't have given me anything, absolutely nothing to help with the mystery regarding Bella. She was an utter dead end. Alice was the only thing that kept me from literally jumping over the desk and lounging at the dumbfounded security manager.

The entire walk over here from the science building, I had set myself up. I created a million scenarios to explain what was going on with Bella, everything from a random campus attack to an abusive obsessive ex-boyfriend. I was certain I would find something with security. It was when my frustration boiled over to anger, that Alice calmly grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the dimwitted Mrs. Cope.

The amazing thing was that during the entire confrontation, Alice didn't say a word. She stood there next to me. She didn't flinch when my voice reached an abnormal octave. She didn't restrain me when I tried pulling my hair out in utter frustration. It was only when my unbridled irritation overcame my rational self and I slammed my hand down on the desk that Alice stepped in. And still, with her firm grasp on my forearm, gently leading me out of the office, she still didn't say anything.

That was actually more unsettling than Mrs. Cope's ignorance. I can't ever remember a time when Alice was silent. Hell, she didn't even say anything about my belt not matching my shoes. The quirky part of my brain wanted to note this day in history.

I was so frazzled and distressed at not finding any answers that I followed Alice without hesitation. We were almost to the campus pub before I even recognized where we were headed. I was just about to protest that I really wasn't in the mood for food, when Alice directed me to a lone bench under a flaming orange maple tree. It was tucked off to the corner of the building. Her grip directed me to sit, and I did, because honestly, I didn't know what else to do.

Alice released her hold and plopped down next to me. I could feel her eyes on me, but I ignored her.

"What was that about?" her voice was soft and concerned.

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer.

"You kind of lost it back there."

I hung my head as her words sunk in. I turned into a complete ass in the security office. I had no right to treat Mrs. Cope like that. I had planned on going in there and sweet talking her into furnishing me information. But the deer in the headlights stare she was giving me and coupled with my building aggravation after Alice told me I shouldn't see Bella tonight, totally engulfed the sensible side of my brain. Add to that the protective feelings I was developing for Bella and I just basically snapped.

"Edward. What is going on?"

"Well. Shit. Alice," I said, finally finding my voice. "I have no clue. Not a fucking clue." I ran my fingers through my hair.

Alice let me stew in silence for a few moments. She knew I would answer; she was showing me the patience and understanding I needed.

"I can't really explain it. This morning seeing her so upset and her screams. I have been hearing them ringing in my ears all day." My shoulders slumped slightly, my hands still pulling my hair. Somehow my spoken words lifted some of the weight I've been carrying around. It felt good to talk.

"I can understand that. Finding her this morning really shook me up too. The thing is.... I'm her best friend. I've known her since freshman year. I know we all used to hang out together when Jazz and I started dating. I just... didn't think you cared so much about Bella."

I knew Alice wasn't being accusatory, but for some reason her questioning my motivation set me on edge again. I rounded on her, my eyes blazing. The tiniest flicker of alarm flashed in her eyes.

"She's my resident, Alice. I'm supposed to keep an eye on everyone on my hall, make sure everyone is safe. Worse yet, I was on duty last night. I should have noticed something, anything. God, I must have passed her room at least five times when I made my rounds through the dorm. Something just isn't right about this."

Alice's eyes softened and we both turned back to staring at the students walking around the quad to the various college buildings. The silence between us was comforting. The peace of the day coupled by the presence of a good friend helped again to calm me down.

I don't know how long we sat there, both in silence, but sharing the same concern. A light breeze rustled the maple's trees, sending a natural calm through us both.

"She wouldn't say anything to me," Alice said after a while, breaking the stillness. "I tried to get her to talk about whatever her dream was. She told me she couldn't remember; that she was fine. But I know something's up. Her responses were automatic and she was staring at me while she talked, but I don't think she was really looking at me."

I let those words linger for a moment, making a visual picture of Bella, her brown eyes staring straight through me. My stomach clenched at the mental image.

"What happened after I left?"

"Well, I just sat with her on the bed for a while. She was still a little green when I left. I tried to get her to come out with me and get some food or at least take a shower, but she refused, reminding me she was fine and that I was over-reacting." Alice let out a long sigh. "Today, I finally realized why Jazz gets so pissed when he asks me how I'm doing and I tell him 'I'm Fine'. Fine does not really equal fine."

I couldn't help but smile at her insight. For some reason it had become common knowledge to men involved with women that use the word 'fine' knew it was a blazing red flag. It was ironic that women were ignorant to this fact.

"How did she look when you left?" hoping to get some answers, any answers that would let me know that Bella was doing better. It was Alice's turn to search for an answer to my questions. She stared ahead, just like I had done a few moments before.

Her silence normally would have me on edge, my mind wondering about all the infinite possibilities, making me more nervous by the moment. But somehow I knew that Alice was looking, hunting for the right words. She didn't want to sugar coat her concern but also didn't want to alarm me anymore that I was. She was being a good friend.

"You would think she just had a really shitty dream. But I really can't describe it. She had this look of shame and emptiness about her. I know she was totally embarrassed about this morning."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it, dummy. She has a nightmare, screams her head off, wakes up the whole frickin dorm. We come barging into her room and then security comes to knock on her door. How the hell would you feel?"

"Yeah, I get your point."

"That's why I texted you. I didn't want you stopping in to check on her. She hates attention and you knocking on her door after this morning would have totally freaked her out. She would have avoided you like the plague."

"Wait, why would she avoid me?" Alice's last statement threw me off.

"Oh. My. God. You really are an idiot."

"What?"

"Edward, she's had a crush on you since sophomore year. It kind of hurt her when you ditched us for your.... screw and leave 'em crap you pulled last year.

I sat back against the bench, taken aback by the information Alice was relaying to me. My mouth formed a small 'O' in response.

"So you can imagine how she felt this morning having you there and how she would feel if you just knocked on her door. Like I said, I know something is up but she's not ready to talk to me. But maybe, just maybe, if you don't act like an ass she may talk to you, or at least open up a little to let us know what is going on."

"What makes you think she'll even talk to me?"

"I saw the way she looked at you when you went to grab her the bottled water," Alice paused. Again, I could see her struggle to find the right words. "You being in the room with us, helped her calm down even more, than if it was just me. I don't know. I really can't explain it. It's more of an intuition. Like knowing you were there, made things better. I think you made her feel safe."

"I hope you're right, Alice," turning again to look at her.

"I am." Her mouth turned slightly upward, looking devilish. "I also saw the way you were looking at her."

A/N Man I love Alice. just remember, more reviews makes me write faster. BTW have to give a shout out to My Brothers Best Friend by Jennlynn. Awesome story. check it out.

Again, all my love to TZ and lavanyaSix. You make me better


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N still don't own Twilight.**

This is exactly why being around Alice sent shivers spiraling through my limbs. She was being cryptic and covert and perfectly Alice. She left me sitting on the bench to stew over her enigmatic lyrics. Why can't girls just say shit straight out? There is this entire cloak and dagger crap and you need a dictionary, thesaurus and a Freudian manual just to decipher it.

Fuck it, I'll sort through her psycho-babble later. Right now the only thing echoed with me was that I really didn't know Bella anymore. And she didn't even say that. It was totally implied. Like I said, I need a fucking manual.

The absolute hysterical thing about this is that if Alice had bluntly told me 'don't knock on her door because you don't really know her' I would have bitched and moaned. I would have said 'the hell with it' and fucking knocked on her door anyway. And then I would have blown it.

Alice is the absolute master of communicating and even though she played me, I got it.

A quick glance at my watch told me I had ten minutes to make it to my second and last class of the day. Jasper had somehow persuaded me to take a philosophy class. I baulked at first but then he convinced me, actually using philosophical arguments. He wasn't in my class seeing as I was just dabbling and he was majoring in it.

I wasn't in the mood to defend my existence to my professor, but it would have been worse to continue sitting on this bench and stew and wallow about my ruined plans to see Bella. I also realized that, even though Alice had some pretty valid points and was looking out for her best friend, my resentment for her interference was increasing. So off to philosophy I went, because I seriously needed the distraction. And philosophy is definitely a distraction.

After an hour and a half of trying to grapple with the concept of "I think, therefore I am," I left the building half believing I was really living in the Matrix. How did Jazz handle all this crap? Now, instead of Bella, I was expecting Neo to appear out of one of the campus security blue phones.

I was successfully preoccupied and therefore didn't notice the towering block that was Emmett standing in my path.

There were no words, just a loud "oomph" on my part as I walked into my friend.

"Geez, walk much Edward?"

"Yeah, I just can't walk through walls."

He smiled and clapped me on the shoulder. It was more like a 50-pound weight than his hand. "So you coming over tonight?" He was smiling. I couldn't help but smile too. Emmett was contagious.

"Naw, I'm not really up for it."

"Ah dude. I already told Jake you were coming over. Didn't we plan this at lunch?"

I thought back to our conversation this morning. Now that I thought about it, Emmett really didn't catch much of it. Rosalie did, because she's naturally a nosy pain in the ass. What an awesome detective she could be. She caught every inflection and expression I displayed when I questioned them about Bella and last night. Emmett, on the other hand, no fucking clue.

"I'm really not up for it, Em. I got a ton of work to do," I lied.

"Hey. It will only be for a bit. We really need your help." Emmett hesitated. "I really could use your help."

I stopped walking and looked at him. Emmett was suddenly fidgeting with his backpack strap and looking anywhere but at me.

"What's up?"

"I um… I want to pin Rosie."

I let out a smirk. I couldn't help it. Emmett looked like his parents just found his porn stash, embarrassed and bashful. Emmett noticed and glared at me.

"Sorry"

He must have accepted my pathetic apology because he started walking again. Giving a girl your fraternity pin was supposed to be this very serious thing. It didn't happen often and the house usually had a big ceremony for the guy and girl. I always considered Emmett in the same category as me. Frat life was as important anymore.

"I didn't think you cared about your pin?" I asked, trying to understand where this was coming from.

"I don't. I mean it's not a big deal to me any more. It's just that I don't have a lot of money and I want to give Rosie something. I want her to know that she's it for me. I can't give her a ring, but I can give her my pin. She can wear it, and people will know. I want her to know that she is mine. Besides, the pomp and circumstance of getting pinned will be really special for her."

"She's never asked for it and we've been together for two years now. Soon we'll be graduating. She's my world and this is the only world I can give her right now."

I let his words sink in. Emmett had never talked to me about his feelings for Rosalie. Yeah, he was talk about their kinky sex life, but this was new. This was love. This was more. This was commitment.

I reached out and gave him a quick slap on his shoulder, conveying my understanding. "Yeah, man. I'll come over tonight."

Emmett and I decided to hit the cafeteria instead of the pub for dinner. You could get seconds or in Emmett's case thirds, without wiping out your meal card. Since it was early, another advantage was that it wasn't crowded. It was perfect for the mood I was in. Somehow between his first and fourth serving of meatloaf, Emmett explained how he wanted Friday night to work.

Of course the house was still having a party, but that started at 10pm. Emmett wanted the ceremony to be at eight. We would all walk over to Rosalie's sorority house with torches and candles and bring her and her sisters back for the ritual. If there is one thing my fraternity knows, it's how to make a big production for a brother's girl. This would be perfect for Rosalie.

I left Emmett after dinner and headed back to my room. I was going to meet him in Jakes room at 8pm. This would give me just enough time to go over my labs and notes for classes tomorrow. My job was setting up the music. It's been this way since freshman year, when I introduced my friends to bands that weren't found on the radio. I think I was the first one at St. Lawrence to understand the significance of having an IPod.

I was slightly giddy from listening to all of Emmett's plans. When someone is genuinely happy, it's hard not to follow suit. I was halfway to my dorm when another thought occurred to me. It made me fucking want to skip. Bella would be at the pinning. They were sorority sisters, so of course she would be there. The gathering before the party would be small. No loud music, everyone pretty much still sober. I could talk to her, or just hang out. I could get to know Bella again.

_God. What am I, seventeen years old again? I'm pathetic_.

I'm fucking pathetic.

Another word to describe me right now would be lame, because after I got back to my dorm and went into my room to do some work, I left my door open. I never leave my door open. But today I did. Even though I was following Alice's advice, I longed for Bella to walk past my door. She had to do it eventually. My door was between hers and the girl's bathroom.

I even paused by her door before heading to my room, hoping to hear something, anything. I needed an indication that she was in there, to keep my aspiration alive that I might see her tonight. Just because I wasn't going to knock on her door didn't mean I had to close the proverbial door on fate, kismet, cosmic coincidence, karma, whatever the fuck you called it these days.

So do you think I got a lot of work done as I waited for destiny to show up? Fuck no.

I think I read the same page of my Native American religion book 8 times. Because, not only was I preoccupied with willing a certain someone to walk past my door, it seemed that everyone else on my hall decided to stopped by to "chat". It felt like open season on Edward.

It was getting close to 8 and reluctantly I closed my door. I hated to do it. There was no hope when my door was closed. But I wasn't going to wear my cargo pants over to a place where people vomited on a regular basis. Jake's room isn't half as bad as some of the other frat rooms. He actually had a slip cover for his sofa that he occasionally washed.

It was the end of September and the weather was starting to cool. Normally, I'd wear my carhartt jacket, but tonight, I wanted to feel the bitter air. After my epiphany with Alice, I need to just feel. The disappointment of not seeing Bella was creeping over me again and maybe the brisk night air would help my feeling of loss. I felt like a balloon. I need something, anything to fill me up, even though I can't have helium to take me to the stars.

Ironically, there were very few stars out and for the first time, I realized how dark the path from my dorm to my frat house is. The security lamps are too spread out. I can see an emergency blue phone, but it is way off the path. The wind and the clump of my boots on the pavement are the only sounds.

_Is this was it was like for Bella to walk home last night?_

Mentally I made a pledge to volunteer for the safe walk program that security sponsors. It's a great idea. Call a number and two students will walk you from point A to point B. It just puts a big crimp in your plans when you are a notorious junior whore, as I was last year.

The frat house is just pasted a few bushes and across a very unused street. It's interesting. No one drives around campus. You only drive away from it.

I approach the front entrance hoping to enter unnoticed. But as Murphy's Law prevails, I am not so fortunate. James is just walking up the path away from the house with his cohort, hanging on him.

"Edward, what brings you by tonight?" His tone couldn't be more arrogant.

"Just stopping by," I muster.

I loathe James, for no apparent reason than his superiority complex and his 'in your fucking face" attitude.

"I heard McCarty is gonna get some this weekend?"

I didn't respond. He was baiting me and I knew it. He just wanted to get a rise out of me by goading me about Emmett's plans for Rosalie. I walked right pass him and the skank that was attached to his arm, Victoria. They have been fuck buddies since freshmen year. It was a consensual relationship, but fucked up beyond normal comprehension. She had her boy toys and he had his conquests, but they always ended up together when the sun rose. It was sick. Beyond sick.

"Hey, you're the RA over in Dean Eaton right?"

I was passed him and almost in the house when he called out to me. I stopped and turned around of pure curiosity.

"Yeah, why?"

James stood quiet while Victoria answered. "I did safe walks last night."

"You, do safe walks?" I chuckled, absolutely amused by the prospect that self centered Victoria volunteered to help others.

"Yeah, dip shit. I'm taking Feminist Theory. It's a requirement."

James pulled her tighter to him, in a show of support. "We got a call last night for an escort to that dorm, but when we showed up, no one was there."

"Maybe they felt safer in the dark than with you." I sneered.

Victoria just held her head higher. "Well, I hope they made home safely."

"Yeah, it's a long walk," James added.

I didn't give them another thought as I pulled the door open to the house and entered. I could hear them laughing as the door closed behind me. Assholes.

There was a mixed medley of music floating from various rooms. To anyone else, it was just noise. To me, I heard Hendrix, Marley, Phish and the Stones. I thought I could faintly make out Elvis. At least someone in the house knew about the origins of modern day Rock n' Roll.

Jake's room was up the stairs and to the left. I knocked and Emmett greeted me along with Jake and Ben. Emmett came prepared. He had a list of Rosalie's favorite songs. Together, we mixed a pretty good collection of songs that connected Rose and Emmett. These were going to be played after he pinned her. My all time favorite was Faithfully by Journey. Emmett, of course, didn't understand it's significance, but I assured him that Rose would melt when it came on. It is a little known fact the girls love this song. It's ageless, like Elvis.

It was a little after 11 when I headed back. I had to promise Emmett his own "seduction CD" along with agreeing to return on Thursday to help with the house party mix before they'd release me.

The walk back to the dorm was colder now. I was still glad I didn't have a coat. There is something about the sensation of air pulling through your clothes and chilling your skin. It's frigid, and sharp and lingering, even after you come in from the cold. Your bones still ache from the sensation.

My hall was quiet. The only sound was coming from the hum of the fluorescent lights above. I entered my room and stood there in the dark. I could have turned on a light, but I didn't. I didn't want to ruin the lingering feel of the night air on my face with the harsh lights. I found my favorite sweats and undershirt and settled on my bed. I think I sat there for about five minutes before I realized my mind wasn't going to allow me to sleep just yet.

My thoughts were swirling, from this morning's catalyst of events and my yearning to help Bella, to my talk with Alice and my understanding of Emmett and Rosalie and commitment. Unconsciously, I was clenching and unclenching my fists, trying to assuage the building frustration that was building in my body. Thank God I'm an RA, because I knew exactly what I needed and had the means to do it.

I grabbed my keys and opened the door, following the same path I did this morning. Instead of turning into the RA office, I took out the master key and opened a pair of locked double doors.

Dean Eaton was an upper class dorm in the shape of a mid-evil castle with an enclosed courtyard. Being one of the older buildings on campus, it contained a large formal reception area that was used when the dorms were still segregated by sex. In the past decade, the room was transformed into a faculty lounge, where small groups gathered and faculty lectures were held. It also contained a baby grand piano.

Giving silent thanks for the key in my hand, I wondered over to the piano. The room was surrounded by curtain-less windows and I was able to find my way by the moonlight that streamed through the rectangle windows. I turned on the lamp that was situated just over the keys and pulled the bench out.

I can't really remember learning to play the piano. I was just always playing it, even in my earliest memories. I would sit by my Grandmother and listen to her play hymns on our old upright. It wasn't until later that my parents realized my passion for the instrument and they bought me a better piano and encouraged me with lessons.

I was good. I'll admit. I was probably better that good. But playing the piano was private. I wasn't a music major and I didn't want to be. Having the notes vibrate through my fingers as they danced over the keys was enough for me. It was also where I found solace and peace. It was a place where my nervous energy and twitchy fingers could exercise away their demons.

So with only a dim light from the lamp on the piano, I began playing. I started out with scales, letting my fingers loosen. Then came Bach with Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. That was one of my grandmothers' favorites. After that I just played, picking whatever song popped into my head. I used to drive my piano teachers insane. I learned by ear and memorized the music. I could never use a metronome. She perpetually tried to get me to read music. But it would just screw me up.

I was well into some of Davis Lanz's work when I heard one of the double doors close softly. I didn't stop. Someone was probably passing through the hall and wanted to shut the door so I wouldn't wake up any residents. I continued to tap out the flowing melody. My muscles started to relax, my breathing becoming calmer. I pushed from my thoughts all the memories that plagued me and just let the music take me.

I had just started on a piece by Bach, when a rustle from the corner of the room caught my attention. I stopped and peered into the darken room.

"Don't stop." The voice that came from the darkness was soft, feminine.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize anyone was in here," I spouted out, totally caught of guard.

Her voice was almost a whisper now. " I didn't mean to interrupt. I couldn't sleep and …it's calming."

My eyes were adjusted enough to the darkened room to where I could make out a figure. On a sofa near the far edge of the room, lay a crumpled body on a sofa. Her head seemed to be resting on her arm. I think she had a blanket covering her.

Embarrassed now that my late night retreat had intruded someone else's sleep, I started with the apologies. The quiet voice from the corner shushed me.

"I like hearing you play."

"What?" Completely caught off guard by her admission.

"The windows are normally open, in here. My room is across the courtyard. I can hear you sometimes when you play. It's beautiful."

"Thank you." It was all I could think to say. It was the first time that anyone in the dorm has acknowledge hearing me play. I wasn't dumb enough to think that no one noticed the music coming from the lounge; I just never had someone actually compliment me on it before.

"Please continue," she pleaded.

It was in that instant, that moment, when I absorbed the sound of her voice that I realized who it was across the room from me. Bella.

My heart started to beat faster at being in such close proximity to her. All day, I had been thinking of her, wanting to see her, to talk to her. And finally here she was, cloaked in darkness, a few feet away from me.

I wanted to move towards her, say something, say anything, but I couldn't. I wanted to see her, and silently cursed the dark room. Her voice was pleading though, with hints of sadness. As much as I wanted to go to her, I couldn't deny her request.

So I continued playing, starting this time with Beethoven and then moving on to more modern compositions. I poured my feeling and longing into the notes of the instrument. My fingers felt renewed and I was no longer playing to appease my soul, but to help hers. I silently prayed that the music would sooth her as it always soothed me.

I don't know how long I played. It really didn't matter. Minutes. Hours. Time seemed paused for us. It was only when I caught the repetitive yawns coming from her side of the room that I halted. I didn't want the evening to end, but I knew she was tired. She had to be exhausted. I also couldn't deny my longing to hear her voice again.

"What was that last piece?" she questioned before I could speak.

"The one I just played?"

"Yeah, I've heard if before." Her voice sounded lighter.

"Promise you won't laugh?" I questioned, not being at all serious.

She giggled. It was music to my ears. "I promise," she called from across the room. God, what I wouldn't give to see her face right now.

"It's called The Prayer. It was in 'A Quest for Camelot'. It's my mom's favorite song."

Another giggle. "Why would I laugh at that?"

"I don't know. Maybe because it's from a cartoon movie and I play it because of my mom. It's kind of embarrassing" I was hoping the single lamp on the piano wasn't showing my flushed cheeks.

"My favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast."

My smile grew, and all the tension and mystery surrounding my apprehension about talking to Bella melted away. Sharing this most mundane piece of personal information made me relax. I was no longer stressing about what I would say to her, afraid that I would make her nervous. I wasn't going to bring up this morning, but this effortless exchange renewed my resolve. She was talking to me, just like Alice had predicted.

God, I love Alice.

"Think we should probably head back," I muttered.

Bella hesitated before sitting up on the couch.

It was more of a question, than statement on my part. I sensed she didn't want to return to her room, but I longed to walk her towards that destination. I craved looking at her eyes.

"We do have class tomorrow," I reminded her, but my voice held no conviction.

"Did you do the reading?"

"No." I didn't even entertain the thought of lying to her. I couldn't find it in me.

We were both stalling, not wanting to leave the comfort of the lounge. But I wanted to see her. The dim outline of her on the couch wasn't enough. I needed to see her face again. I needed to see that she was okay. So I did the only thing I could think of and for the second time today, I abused my position as a RA.

"Can I walk you back? I kind of have to lock the lounge back up."

"Yeah, sure." She stood up from the sofa and pulled what looked like a handmade blanket around her arms. Her eyes were looking down. "I didn't mean to keep you." Her voice sounded broken as she passed by me, heading towards the door.

"Bella." I must have spoken louder that I thought, because she turned abruptly back to me. "It's nice to have an audience… Thank you." I must have looked like an idiot. My smile couldn't get any bigger. I needed her to believe that I wanted her there without making her uncomfortable.

It worked. In the dim light hovering over the piano, I saw her smile. It didn't reach her eyes, but it was soft and genuine.

I waited till she reached the doors before turning off the only light. I made my way to where she was waiting. We backed up into the hall as I locked the doors. The hall lights were brighter and when I turned, I finally got a good look at her.

Her brown hair was wavy and everywhere, absolutely unkempt. Strands were cascading down the sides of her face, covering her blushing cheeks. Her lips were cracked and her skin extremely pale. Her eyes just held a tinge of red in them as if she had spent the day crying. Her button nose was also pink.

She was wearing a baby blue tank top and cotton sleep pants with extremely fuzzy pink socks. It wasn't a big knit blanket covering her arms. It was more like a wrap.

"My grandmother made it."

"Huh?" She lifted up the wrap slightly. My face burned as I realized she caught me staring at her.

"It's beautiful."

"Thanks,"

Slowly, we started walking back towards our rooms. The silence between us was nice, but a swirling sensation began building in my stomach with each step we took. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want her to be alone. As if she sensed my unease, she turned towards me and I caught a slight spark in her deep brown eyes. Maybe it was the overhead fluorescents, maybe not. But she still looked lost and I wanted to help. Her mouth opened to say something, but then she tripped. There were three innocuous steps situated in the middle of the hall. I remembered but she didn't.

I reached out to grab her, but she quickly caught herself with both hands on the railing. The knit blanket fell to the floor.

I stood there shocked as I saw her bend over to retrieve her cover. Her arm closest to me was purple and blue. There was a sickening looking bruise that lay squarely between her shoulder and elbow and circled her entire arm. But that wasn't what caused me to bite my cheek to keep from grasping. When she tripped, her hair fell away from her shoulders and neck revealing several deep long penetrating scratches. They were bright red, puffy and just starting to scab over.

I let her get the blanket situated around her before I was able to meet her eyes. There was no way to cover up what I saw. The only thing I could do was not call attention to it. She knew the bruises were there. She didn't need me to remind her or make her feel even more self-conscious. So silently I waited for her to collect herself and we continued our journey to our rooms. I prayed my silence would help put her at ease.

We reached her door and we both lingered.

"Thank you," she said, looking up through her thick lashes.

I knew what she meant. I had helped her this morning and I didn't question her few moments ago. Her words penetrated me, making me blush again.

"You're welcome, Bella." I wanted to touch her, to reach across the small space between us, but I didn't dare.

I was right in thinking something had happened last night to Bella. I was also placing my bets on Alice and her premonition that Bella would open up to me. I just had to be patient. Suddenly, that was something I had no problem doing. I sent her my warmest smile before turning towards my door, two spaces down. I was just about to open it, when her soft voice caught me.

"Edward?"

"Yes."

"How did you get into my room this morning?"

Again, I couldn't lie to her. "There is a master key in the RA office. I used it to get in your room."

"Do you still have it?"

"Yeah, I forgot to put it back."

"Can you keep it? Tonight? I don't want to wake up the dorm again." Her voice was pleading and again, I couldn't deny her.

"I'll keep it," my voice strong, as if I could send her my strength. "You'll be safe." I passed a crooked smile her way, desperately wanting her to know she was safe.

She smiled in return, and entered her room. With the soft click of her door, she was gone.

I lingered in the hallway, absolutely torn. Every instinct pushed me to knock on her door and hold her. Comfort her. Whisper into her ear that I would protect her.

But I didn't. A voice spoke to me from deep within my subconscious.

_Be patient_

I would be. I would wait. I would be her friend. I would watch over her, defend her, even though I had no idea what I was protecting her from.

I entered my room and sunk into the bed. I kept my door open and gingerly played with the master key.

Bella would be safe. I would make sure of it. I also would be there, in case she cried out again in the night.

For the first time in 4 years, I kept my room door open, laid on my bed and waited.

**A/N Sorry this took so long to post. RL sucks sometimes. I hoped you liked this chapter. It was hard to write because I wanted their meeting to be perfect.**

**So let me know what you think. Review Review Review. The more I get, the faster I write. Coming up soon, is the party at the Frat house. How do you think Bella will handle it?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Again, wish I owned these great characters but I don't. It's all SM.**

I heard noises in the hallway. Didn't I hear this same shit yesterday morning?

Well crap. My door is open. That's why it's so noisy. But why is my door open.

Bella.

The events of yesterday flooded my brain. Crap, did I sleep through her screams? Was she all right? Some protector I am. Fuck.

A soft giggle sounded to the right of my head. My eyes snapped open and then immediately closed. I must have said that out loud. Bringing my hand to my face to rub away my exhaustion, I couldn't hold in my annoyance.

"What are you doing here, Alice?"

She was sitting at my desk, reading over the latest copy of Victoria's secret. She had to have brought it. Underwear models did nothing for me.

"Just waiting," she replied, like that was sufficient enough. She continued reading her magazine, noisily flipping pages and completely ignoring me.

"Alice."

"What?" Her cavalier attitude was pissing me off.

"Why the hell are you in my room?"

"I'm waiting for Bella."

Of course she was waiting for Bella, in my room. That made total sense. Her response and attitude implied that I should have mind reading abilities.

I gave her a look. Even though she never turned towards me, I knew I was burning a hole in her thick skull.

"She kicked me out," She continued as if that clarified everything.

I shifted on my bed, rising up on my pillow and just waited. I even 'humphed' loudly, hoping she'd get the hint.

"We have class together this morning. I stopped in to see if she wanted to walk over together. I caught her just out of the shower and she kicked me out so she could get dressed." At first glance it would seem that this was a normal occurrence. I don't know too many girls that feel comfortable naked in the presence of others. But then, I measured Alice's eyes, her posture, and the tone of her voice. She was looking at me. Intensely looking at me, like I had the answer and her stare would drag it out of me.

Shit, they were roommates for two years. Of course this wasn't normal, at least where Alice was concerned.

Unfortunately I did know this answer. It was hard enough last night not to call attention to the marks and bruises imprinted on Bella's body. There was no way Alice would have let them slide. She would have given Bella the third, forth and fifth degree to obtain answers.

Last night I couldn't lie to Bella, but this morning I had no problem playing dumb to Alice.

"She probably didn't want to play dress up for you." I tried unsuccessfully to deflect Alice's curiosity, but she was too damn good. Her eyes said it all. Fortunately she let the subject drop and I honestly didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to purge the frustration and anger I felt when I saw Bella's arms and neck. I wanted someone else in this with me also, to help, to work with, and to confide in. But I didn't. Even though Alice was suspicious, I felt like confirming anything would have betrayed Bella.

The fact that Alice didn't have a snappy retort to my dress up comment did lead me to believe one thing.

I wasn't the only one concerned with Bella.

"Did you hear about Emmett and Rosalie?" Alice asked. I was relieved at the change in the conversation. We think we both were.

"What do you mean?" I asked. Emmett had strictly forbidden me from discussing his plans with Alice. Actually, I think everyone of our friends had a clue except Alice and Rosalie. It's frat stuff after all. We're really not supposed to divulge all the shit we have planned. I also didn't want to give Alice the satisfaction of knowing. It was a wonderful game to keep Alice in the dark. She seldom goes there anyway.

"I'm not an idiot, you know."

"Idiot about what?" I asked, humoring her.

Her black eyes contorted somehow, letting me know that I had the upper hand. She was grasping at straws and really had no idea what was planned. I loved watching her squirm.

"Well maybe I'll take Rose away on a shopping trip to Massena on Friday."

"Have fun. Maybe you should stay the night." I love screwing with Alice. This was the most fun I've had in days.

"What a great idea." Alice played along. "I'll have to make sure Emmett doesn't mind me taking his girlfriend for a day and night."

Can't say that Alice isn't tenacious.

"I don't think he'll give a shit. We have a party on Friday anyway. I think he'll be too busy and drunk to miss Rosie. Besides, do you really think you can get her to stay away from him for a night? There's a reason they live off campus."

"Prick. She'll come with me. No one can resist when I pout. I'll just make the arrangements anyway, seeing as you guys just have a stupid house party." Alice was going for the kill.

"Hey, will you buy me something?" I chuckled.

Her eyes became piercing, showing signs of her frustration. Thank God we were both stubborn. Alice had finally met her match. After that last exchange, we were now locked in stare down.

I was winning, as Alice started shifting and bouncing her leg in anticipation. She had too much energy. I had more patience.

Her expression flipped suddenly, and her eyes became wide, bright and full of victory.

Shit.

"What's going on?" Bella's soft voice cut through the tension.

I turned from my bed to see her standing in the entrance of my room. Her hair was damp from her shower and her cheeks were still flushed. She was wearing a long blue shirt and light jacket. Her jeans were over-worn and a backpack was slung over her shoulder.

"I was just telling Edward that Rosalie and I are planning a shopping trip this Friday. It will be so much fun. We're going to make a night of it." Alice could not contain the devilish smile that spread over her face. She could smell defeat. "Please. Please. Please. Will you come with us this weekend?

My face fell. I couldn't help it. My Achilles Heel just walked in. There was no way I was going to forfeit my opportunity with Bella this weekend.

Alice noticed my defeated look and started bouncy a little victory dance.

I am fucking going to kill Alice. Chop her into bits and feed her to the wolves.

"Thanks, but…. I really have a lot of work to catch up on." Bella stood there, leaning against the door, her eyes looking anywhere but at the faces in front of her.

The silence in the room was deafening

She gave a reason, but it was an excuse. I knew it. Alice knew it. Neither of us called her on it. Her eyes were empty, her figured slightly hunched, but we didn't call her out. She looked fragile and we wanted to protect her.

The petty one upmanship that Alice and I were playing evaporated. Our focus turned solely to the broken creature leaning in my doorway.

"Well, I'll just have to change your mind," Alice chirped, jumping up to hug Bella, as if hoping to squeeze her confidence into her friend. As her arms encircled Bella, I saw a grimace cross her face. It was so faint it was hardly recognizable. Alice didn't notice, she was too busy causing it.

Bouncing by Bella's side now, Alice turned towards me. "So you just have fun this weekend with _whatever_ you're doing." She was trying to lighten the mood, return the atmosphere back by continuing our playful banter.

Unfortunately, I didn't hear a word she said. I was too concentrated on Bella. She was still looking anywhere but us. I would have guessed she was trying to figure out a way out of Alice's plans. But as I noticed before, something was lying underneath. Something she didn't want anyone to know.

_Change the subject. Quick._

"Did you ever get the reading done?" I asked her, desperate to draw her out.

"No." Her face shifted slightly upward, but I still couldn't see her eyes.

"Good."

"Huh?" Bingo. Now she was looking at me.

"I don't want to be the only one who will fail if Professor Clark gives us a pop quiz. I like company in my academic pitfalls."

"Well then, glad to be of service." Her features lifted a little with a small smile.

"You ready?" Alice piped in.

"Yeah. I guess I'll see you in class, Edward."

"See you then, Bella," I called they retreated out of my room and down the hallway.

She smiled. It wasn't big. It wasn't bright. It was small and timid, but it was there. I made her smile. I could have launched off the bed from this euphoric feeling racing through my veins. At least I didn't giggle like a girl in to my pillow. I did have a shit-eating grin plastered on my face though. I wonder if I could make her smile again? Suddenly, I knew what my mission was today. I was going to see how many times I could make her smile.

I looked at my clock and realized I only had twenty minutes to make my class. I couldn't shower, but I definitely had to change. I could never understand how some students could go to class in three-day old jeans or sweats. My mother would kill me. First household chore I learned was laundry. I was just about to close my door, when a tiny foot in black flats stopped it.

"I'm trying to get dressed" I sneered at Alice, whose foot was blocking my door. She was alone.

"We are going to be eating lunch in the dining hall around noon."

"So." I was still trying to close the door on her. Now I wouldn't be able to clearly remember Bella's voice on my walk to my first class. Whining Alice voice would now cloud my head.

Her face became snooty. She even flicked her hair back from her eyes, for added affect. It didn't work. Her hair was too short.

"Oh, I thought you had Religion after lunch. I guess you can walk to class alone then." She turned swiftly on her heal and was out of my door.

I couldn't help it. I slammed the door. I swear I could hear Alice laughing down the hallway. What a conniving little twit. Shit, now I really wanted to take a shower if I was going to take Alice's not so subtle hint and join her and Bella for lunch.

_Shower or no shower. Late or not late. Fuck. _

I couldn't be late. It was Biology lab. So I did the next best thing. I grabbed a towel and rushed into the bathroom. A few minutes later I was back in my room, pulling on a clean shirt and jeans. I then used my towel to dry my crazy hair. I never thought I would be caught dead washing my hair in the sink. But desperate times call for desperate measures. It was the only way to look presentable. Besides I hate wearing baseball hats.

Actually, it's purely out of vanity that I rarely wear hats. My mother repeatedly told me that wearing hats all the time would cause baldness. I'm pretty sure that mom-ism falls somewhere between 'your face will freeze like that' or 'it's going to fall off if you hold it all the time'. Anyway, the point was drilled home, and I avoid hats like the plague. Besides my hair was one of the few features I like about myself.

I made it to lab and forced myself to concentrate. It was a losing battle. Her one small smile was consuming me. Thoughts of last night were bombarding me. Her cautious posture as we walked. Her sighs of contentment that I occasionally heard over the soft twinkling of the piano. The apprehension of her eyes when she realized I saw her bruises. The torturous sound of her voice as she asked me to watch over her.

But that was last night. This morning she smiled and suddenly I was counting down the minutes until I would meet them for lunch.

* * *

They were already seated at a table in the far corner of the dining room. I was happy to notice Rosalie and Jasper were with them. A circle of friends with Bella in the middle. I grabbed a couple grilled cheese sandwiches and a Coke and headed to them.

"Don't ruin it, Alice." Jasper voice was stern and totally out of character. Jasper was always calm. Now he sounded commanding.

"But"

"Enough, or I won't take you to Montreal next weekend." Jasper's threat worked, because Alice sunk down in her chair pulling off a serious pout.

"What's going on?" I asked trying to follow the conversation.

"Jasper knows something that involves me and won't tell Alice. And now she's all pissed because he threatened to not take her shopping next week in Canada," Rosalie explained.

"Aren't you even curious?" Alice began pleading with Rosalie.

"No. If he wants to surprise me, then let him."

I thought Rose's reply would knock Alice off her seat.

"How? How can you not want to know, Rose?"

"Because, it's really important to Emmett. He's going to a lot of trouble and I want him to have this."

"Argh," was the only reply Alice could think of. It was loud and I think half the cafeteria heard her.

Jasper was actually chuckling at the frustration Alice was emitting. It looked like he was about to say something sarcastic, but thought better of it when she turned her glare on him. He may have held her off, but you knew she still held his strings.

Bella gave a small smile at the scene. I almost forgot I was still standing with my tray until Alice kicked a chair out for me. It was located right across from Bella. I returned a smile to Bella, hoping hers would last longer. It didn't.

"How was lab today," Jasper asked me.

"Pretty disgusting. We're preparing for our dissections. I can't imagine how Jessica is going to get through it. She turned green just watching the film."

"Are you doing fetal pigs or…"

"STOP!" Rosalie shouted at us. "You science nerds know better. We're eating."

Jasper just shrugged his shoulders at her.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh I forgot, you prefer brake fluid over embalming fluid. You know it is easier to get out of your clothes. It also doesn't leave a greasy film in your hair. Now we all know how you feel about bodily fluid"

Rose threw an empty can of soda in retaliation. Everyone laughed when she missed and hit Jessica Stanley who was sitting behind us. Bella didn't laugh, but she did smile, a little brighter this time.

_That's three smiles. Yeah!_

The rest of lunch was relatively quiet. Every so often, Alice would try to resurrect her questioning of this weekend's events, but Jasper held her at bay by just jingling his car keys. I knew not having her car was driving her insane.

Over the summer, her parents got her a yellow Porsche, but refused to allow her to have it at school. Northern New York gets too much snow and her parents didn't want it to rust from all the salt from the roads for the ice. She hated riding in Jaspers Forerunner, but really had no choice.

Everyone started getting ready to head to classes. I caught Bella standing up and putting her bag over her shoulder. The strap must have grazed her neck, because she gave a small hiss from pain. This time I wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Bella, can I borrow you notes from government?"

"Sure." Bella lowered her bag off her shoulder. I almost wanted to slap Alice for making Bella put the thing back on again.

"I'll get it. Do you mind dumping my tray?"

"No problem." Bella grabbed her and Alice's tray and headed over to dump them. I was just about to say something to Alice, when I got a clue.

She not only was taking out a notebook, but two other text books from the satchel. Quickly she shoved them into her sack and zipped up Bella's bag as she was returning.

"Here," Alice said handing Bella her bag back. This time Bella smoothly situated the bag on her shoulders without wincing. Then her face became confused as she realized her bag was lighter.

"I also grabbed some books from class. I hope you don't mind? I didn't want to have to go back to my room to get them before Jazz and I head to the library. I hope that's okay?" Alice asked in her smoothest voice ever. She then handed her overstuffed bag to Jasper, like it was a done deal. He was about to say something, but with one look from her and he thought better of it.

_Yep, Alice wore the pants._

"Yeah, no problem. I'll grab them from you later."

"Thanks, Bella. You're a life saver." Alice smiled kindly at her. I stood there in awe of my smooth talking, shrewd, little friend.

"So you ready for religion?" I asked Bella, drawing her attention away from Alice.

"Yeah, let me just run to the bathroom and I'll meet you in the hall."

We said our good-byes to Rose and Jasper as they headed off. Alice hung back with me briefly while waiting for Bella, telling Jasper she'd meet him at the library.

"You have your own books, don't you?" I quietly asked.

"Yeah. But her bag was too heavy." There was a pause as Alice stared right into me. "She's hurt, isn't she?"

I didn't know what to say, so I let the silence say everything.

"That's why she didn't want me in her room this morning." Her voice cracked. "Oh God Edward, what happened to her?"

All at once I felt sick and relieved. Something really had happened. It was said out loud. For some stupid reason, that made it real. Being real made me sick. But then Alice had said it and I was relieved. I was no longer alone. Together we would work to figure this out. That, along with Bella's three smiles, gave me more hope today than I started out with.

* * *

The walk to class was quiet, but not uncomfortable. It was nice walking next to Bella. When a breeze would blow, I caught whiffs of strawberries and Downy. My mom always used fabric softener when doing laundry. The strawberries I can only guess came from her shampoo or body wash.

"I want to thank you again for last night," her soft voice called to me. We were taking our time getting to class. Even though she spoke, she didn't look at me.

"You're very welcome, Bella." I looked at her profile. I couldn't help myself. I was please so see a faint blush brighten her pale cheeks. No smile. But a blush. I wanted to pat myself on the back.

"How long have you been playing?" she asked.

"Since I was six. My grandmother lived with us and would let me sit with her while she played. She encouraged me even though I had no idea what I was doing. My mom would cover her ears and laugh at us. Soon after I started lessons."

"How come you're not taking music?"

"I don't know. I always considered playing as kind of private. I never wanted to perform in front of a large group. I mainly play for myself and my family." I turned to watch her. Her eyes were suddenly focused on the path we were on. "And close friends." I gently nudged her shoulder, hoping she get my inference. She was still looking down, but now smiling.

_That's four._

"You know it's much easier to walk when you're not looking down." I teased her. Her head snapped up. A small giggle coming through her lips.

_Damn, I'm on a roll._

"I'm kind of a klutz, if you can remember."

I couldn't help but laugh. "You're the only person I know that can trip riding up an escalator."

"Hey that wasn't my fault. How was I supposed to know the rail moves faster than the stairs.?"Bella's face was now pink from remembering the incident our sophomore year when Alice, Jasper, Bella and I went to the mall.

"Good think Alice wasn't standing in front of you. You would have taken her out too." I gently nudged her again, playfully.

"Yeah, it just made my day to fall into Jasper. Did you know that Alice used that same technique a few weeks later? Jasper and her went shopping alone and she purposely fell into him on the escalator. He caught her, but gave me credit for the practice." Bella was truly smiling now as she recalled Alice's recount of her first solo-shopping trip with Jasper.

"Was she upset that you upstaged her?"

"Naw. She said his reply was worth a thousand escalator trips."

"What was it?"

"He said he's been waiting forever to catch her."

We both laughed. It was a wonderful sound, our verbal expressions melding together.

I was watching her in utter amazement. Her face was relaxed for the first time since that morning. Her brown eyes were bright and full of cheer. Her step even had a little bounce. I was totally captured. How had I not truly take notice of her before now.

To soon we reached our building and were heading up the stairs to class. I casually reminded her that she was lucking these stairs didn't move. She giggled again and I fell in love with the sound.

I didn't want it to end, but class was starting and we took our seats. Thank God for classes without assigned seating. Even though, Bella took a seat with no spares around her, I was able to procure a chair kiddy corner to her. I was behind her and even though I couldn't see her face, I began recognizing her subtle body language.

When something of interest was being discussed, her shoulders would hunch forward slightly and she would start scribing in her notes. It appeared she wasn't even watching her paper as she wrote. If an opinion was voiced that she didn't agree with, her head tilted vaguely to the right, as if trying to understand the speaker's logic. My favorite was when she was called upon to give her thoughts. She always looked down first, causing her long brown hair to shield a portion of her face before answering in a light but firm voice.

Before I knew it, class was over and I was watching her pack her bag to leave.

"Want to walk back to the dorm?" I asked, almost desperate to keep her near me.

"I actually have to work."

"Oh! Where do you work?"

"The library."

"They let you stack books?" I teased, grasping at another attempt to make her smile.

"Yeah, amazing isn't it? At least I never knocked over the stacks in the reserve section." Her smile was amazing as she remember the one pledging incident I hopelessly tried to erase from St. Lawrence memory.

"You know, I wasn't the only one. Half the pledge class was involved." I haphazardly tried to defend myself. "We did clean it up."

"Yeah and who was in charge of putting them back in order?"

"Had to be Newton or Ben. I actually know my alphabet."

The laughter between us spread and it made the breathtaking weather outside pale in comparison.

Unconsciously I was walking Bella to the library. I would have followed her anywhere just to keep her smiling. It was such a miraculous transformation from the person I witnessed yesterday.

We were almost to the library when she noticed I was still next to her.

"Are you going to the library too?"

I could have just said yes, but I was overcome by a ferocious case of bashfulness. "No, I'm actually heading over to the house. Jake wants my help with the music for this weekend." I don't know where that came from. I was actually planning on going over there tomorrow. Being around Bella sent my mind into a tizzy.

_Oh My God. I'm now using my mother's vocabulary._

"Oh." It was a single syllable word, but her lightness turned black when it passed her lips. The blush was gone. The smile disappeared. All that was left were her deep brown eyes that stared at me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Are you … I mean… do you really like being in your house?"

I realized it took an incredible amount of effort on her part to ask that question. I could also sense it was a pivotal one for her. She was searching for something so I gave her the only thing I could at the moment, honesty.

"Not anymore."

She let out a breath we both didn't know she was holding. "Why?"

"I don't really know. It's just not me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I'm really glad I joined… at the time. I got to know Emmett and Jake and Ben. But. I guess that… Well I think I just outgrew it."

"Why are you going over there?"

"I promised Jake I would help him pick music out for Friday's party. I don't like breaking promises."

"Are you close to everyone in the house?"

"No."

Somehow, my answers seemed to calm her. Her smile wasn't back, but her shoulders were more relaxed, like a weight had lifted. I didn't understand it, but I wasn't going to question it. I was just glad I could ease whatever anxiety overcame her a moment ago.

"Do you want me to swing by on my way back? To see if you want to walk back?" It was totally forward of me to ask, but I had to.

"No, Angela is working with me. We'll walk back together."

"Oh." I failed miserably at trying not to sound disappointed. She didn't miss a beat.

"Thank you for asking though. I really appreciate it, Edward." It still wasn't a smile, but I could have sworn her eyes lit up a little when she said my name.

"Well. Then, I'll see you back at the dorm."

"Yeah, see you then."

With that she turned up the path to the library and disappeared through the revolving doors. The desire to follow was undeniable. But I couldn't. I told her I was going over to my Frat. Appearing in the library would just prove I lied to her. That was something I could never do.

So with reservations, I continued on the path, crossed the street and headed towards the house. It was still early. Jake was probably at dinner. It didn't matter. I knew how to get into his room. I would just start without him. I wanted to get it done and over with. I didn't want to come back her tomorrow. I wanted to be back in my dorm. I really wanted to wait for Bella to return.

* * *

Ok, thinking back I should have asked her what time she got off work. It was 9:30. The library doesn't close until 11:00. So. Crap. I could be waiting a while. I also felt like an ass waiting. I have never really waited for anyone in my life. Well, with the exception of Tanya. Every time someone walked down the hall, I'd find myself listening at the door. All that was missing was the upturned glass.

9:45. Time to turn to plan B. I can't believe I even have a plan B. I had already changed into comfortable sleep pants and a navy blue tee. I headed out my door and down the familiar hallway towards my destination. I was pinning my hopes that she would come like she had last night. I was actually praying for it.

The lounge was locked as usual. With the master key that now permanently resided in my pocket, I opened the double doors. It was dark and stuffy. I found the lamp on the piano and with its' light, I opened up several of the windows. I wanted her to know I was in here. I got comfortable at the bench and began warming up.

I tried not to jump at every noise I heard from the hallway. I was too preoccupied. I seldom hit wrong notes, but tonight I felt like I was all thumbs. I continued my scales until my fingers fell into a familiar pattern. I used the soothing melodies to calm me. I knew I was anxious. I knew I was nervous. What if she didn't come? What if something happened on the walk home? What if she needed help?

Breath. Breath in. Breath out.

She was walking back with Angela, so she wasn't alone. If she was with Angela, then she probably didn't need help. What if she didn't come?

_I'll think about that later._

I felt marginally better and started on a piece from Yiruma. I concentrated on the rise and fall of the notes and how they pushed the song forward. I kept my foot on the sustain pedal, just to feel the notes vibrates stronger through my fingers. The steady hum of the chords trembled with my muscles.

I was on the fifth song when I heard the familiar door lounge door open and close. I didn't look up. I didn't want to seem to eager. I also didn't want to be disappointed if it wasn't her.

I noticed that whoever had entered the room was still standing at its entrance. I soften the tune so I could hear their breathing. At first I didn't notice anything. Then I caught the sound of shallow pants and… a distinctive sniff from a nose. I stopped playing and looked at the person I knew to be crying by the door.

The dim light didn't fully illuminate her face, but I recognized the shawl. It was Bella and something was very wrong.

**A/N. Sorry to leave you hanging. If you are dying to know what is going on inside Bella's head, check out her my other story, Bella's Journal. It will give you some clues as to what's going on. Again I love getting reviews. I live for them. I'm constantly checking my mail, waiting, hoping, praying to get your comments. Ask me questions, and I'll answer. This story touches on a tough subject. I want to know I'm doing a good job telling it.**

**P.S. I won't leave you hanging for long. Next chapter is almost done.**


	7. Chapter 7

A/N. All characters belong to SM.

A gasp. A cry. A shudder. These were all the things her body did as she stood in the closed doorway of the lounge. My fingers were suspended over the keys. I found myself mimicking her shaky breath and trembling limbs.

I stood up. The bench I was sitting on fell. In six strides my arms encompassed her small frame. She didn't sag as some do when finally held in the arms of someone strong. She continued standing, on her own two feet.

I wanted to sweep her up. I wanted to wipe away her tears, but the herculean grip she held me in kept me from moving. As fiercely as she held me, I return that strength ten fold. Her sobs were quiet, as if she was afraid to let the dam burst. I thought about running my hands up and down her back in a soothing motion, but decided not to. I didn't want to lose claim to the skin that was already purchased under my palms.

The light from the piano lamp was the only illumination. I could barely make out her face. I didn't see any new marks on her body as I rushed towards her. Yet she was trembling, quivering in my arms. Our knees were pressed together. That's how close we held each other.

She stood there shaking and I shook with her. I started to get slightly dizzy when I realized I was still matching her scattered breaths. After a minute, an hour, a thousand years, her arms started to loosen from their death grip around my waist. She may have waned her hold, but I didn't. She would have to push me away or say something to break the grip I had on her.

She didn't pull away. Instead, she buried her face even further into my shirt, inhaling and exhaling my scent. I followed and let the aroma of her hair envelope my senses. I was right about the strawberry shampoo.

"Bella."

Her shoulders tensed again and her head shook in reply. It was killing me not knowing what was wrong. A hundred questions ran through my head. Why was she crying? Did someone hurt her again? Was she finally going to let me in?

I prayed that she would give me some clue. A hint. Anything I could use to help her. I also prayed that she'd never no how satisfied I was at this moment. A pure selfish thought repeated in my mind. She didn't go to someone else. She came to me. I was the one holding her. I was the one comforting her.

"Bella…. Please tell me?"

Again she shook her head into my chest.

It was torture. Not knowing. Not hearing her voice. Worse, I couldn't look into her deep eyes. But I couldn't push her. I had to be patient, so I continued my course and just held her.

Her erratic breathing soon began to surrender to a more peaceful rhythm. Her feet started to shuffle, looking for a sense of balance and I knew she would soon pull away from me. I loosed my hold. Her forehead was still pressed into my chest as she brought her hands up to rub her face.

I moved my hand to her chin and raised her face to mine. Her skin was blotchy and streaked with tears. Her lips were pale and chapped and her eyes were glassy and red. We stared at each other for a moment. Unspoken words flowed between us, until I broke the silence for a third time.

"Bella?"

She didn't pull away. She didn't look away. Her facial features began this odd dance. Eyebrow furrowed. Lips parting then closing. Eyes trying to find another object to stare at, to avoid my questioning gaze. I could visibly see the resolve seize her face.

"Please." Her plea cracked at my heart. "I can't. I just can't." Another tear fell from her eyes. "Please don't make me."

I released her chin and pulled her head back into my chest cradling it. "It's all right. It's okay. You don't have to say anything tonight." I ran my palm down her head and hair. Hearing her beg made me realize that I couldn't push her. She needed to feel safe and protected before she could let her demons out. As heartbreaking as it was to see this beautiful person so broken, forcing her to talk right now would be devastating.

"It there anything I can do?" I asked giving control solely over to her.

"Will you play for me?"

"I'll do anything for you."

I released her and took her small hand in mine and lead her over to the couch that was closest to the piano. I motioned for her to sit as I went back to the instrument and righted the fallen bench. I sat down and looked back over to her.

She had curled herself onto the couch using her arm as a pillow. Her eyes were closed, as if trying to find some peace.

I began playing softly. The twinkling of the notes carried through the air creating a type of calm serenity and encasing us both. Halfway through the song, I glanced back at the beauty lying near me. Her face was tranquil now and held a tiny smile. I decided then, that I would play for her all night if I had to, just keep her soul at ease.

Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy. Winston, Yost, Yiruma. When I had run out of my favorite classical and contemporary composers, I switched to musicals, my favorites being Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables.

The music surrounded us just like Andrew Lloyd Webber's lyrics dictated. I would occasionally look over at the beautiful creature still curled up on the thirty-year old sofa. She seemed to be able to sense me, because her eyes met mine every time.

I was half way through my favorite song from Les Miserables when I became aware of her rhythmic breathing. I looked over again and she didn't return my glance. I finished out the song on an exhilarated high. It was totally irrational, but I was beyond myself with satisfaction and excitement.

My presence, my music allowed Bella to succumb to the most therapeutic human phenomenon in the world. I had lulled her to sleep. I could only presume that it was peaceful from her creaseless skin and upturned lips. Her limbs did not twitch, which sometimes occurs when dreams are restless. Her eyes lids did not flutter. She was still and she was beautiful.

I started a final song. A lullaby. I was almost afraid to stop playing, thinking that the lack of music would stir her. It didn't. As the last sustained note lingered, a deep sigh escaped her lips as if to applaud.

I glanced at my watch. It was close to midnight. I knew we should head back to our rooms. But that was too rational and unselfish. I didn't want to lose her behind two doors and a hallway. So I did something absurd.

I left Bella asleep on the couch and made my way back to my room. I grabbed my comforter, a blanket and two pillows and walked back to the lounge. I locked the double doors behind me, in an effort to prevent anyone from entering our sanctuary.

I had left the piano light on and was able to maneuver one pillow under Bella's precious head. I thought my heart would stop when I saw her brown hair cascading over my blue pillowcase. I then took my comforter and tucked it around her form. She hummed several times in contentment.

I set my watch alarm, before putting a pillow on the floor below her head. It was stupid. There were five other couches I could have claimed. But that would have placed me to far from the person I wanted to be close to. I settled myself on the carpeted floor and pulled the blanket over me.

My recent lack of sleep left me exhausted and Bella's deep breaths were like a sedative. Soon I could no longer keep my eyelids open. I finally allowed myself to fall into a comforting sleep, knowing that Bella was safe and only an arm's length away.

* * *

I could tell it was morning from the pale light that filtered through my thin eyelids. My body was heavy and stiff, like I hadn't moved all night. The carpet gave the floor some cushion, making it hard but not unbearable. I opened my eyes and my breath caught in my throat.

Bella was still asleep and if I had thought her beautiful before, I was wrong. The morning sun that just cracked through the window behind her silhouetted her face and coffee hair. The light brought out the sparkling hue of her blushed cheeks and red lips. I could see now how long and curled her eyelashes were. They were a perfect compliment to her big brown eyes. I was in a trance, just staring at her. I took in every line, mark, detail of face and burned it into memory. I was so consumed that I didn't realize the time, until my watch alarm started beeping. With that, she stirred. And the spell I was under broke.

Her eyes were heavy with sleep as she tried to rub them awake with her palms. I didn't notice before, but Bella bit her nails. I wondered vaguely if it was a nervous habit. I couldn't fault her at this slight imperfection. I'm surprised I wasn't loosing hair from all the times I dragged my fingers across my head. I was beginning to realize that it was the culmination of these unique things that made her Bella.

I was lost in thought when I realized Bella was staring at me, making me nervous. The idea of cuddling on the floor next to her in the formal dorm lounge was brilliant last night. Now in the daylight, I began to seriously rethink my decision. Feeling like an utter idiot, I let the word escape my lips that said it all in guy college language. "Hey there."

She smiled. Thank God she smiled.

"You know, I'm pretty sure the floor is not that comfortable." Her voice was light and … perfect.

"Yeah, I hadn't really thought about that last night." I would have buried my head in my pillow if it wouldn't look like such a girl thing to do.

_Why does my mouth filter not work around her?_

"Why didn't you just wake me up?

"I didn't want to."

Her head fell back on the pillow as she giggled at my honesty. I, on the other hand wanted to strangle myself.

"I like this," she said, resting her head on the crook of her elbow when she looked back at me. My face must have screamed confusion because she continued. "You. Your bluntness. The way you say whatever comes to your mind. You haven't done that in a long time. It's nice." Her smile widened. "It's nice to see you again."

"Again?"

She leaned back, looking again towards the ceiling. I wish she would stop looking away. "Well… Okay… don't be mad, but you kind of turned into a real jerk last year." Her bashful eye returned to my face.

I was floored. Leveled. Screwed. I had no idea she was paying attention to me during 'wish I could forget' my junior year. I didn't try to close the gaping hole my mouth created when my jaw dropped.

"I mean. I could tell it was just. I don't know. A phase. But… it wasn't you." Her brown eyes were shining with some epiphany. "I'm just glad you're back."

Still working without the useful connection between my brain and mouth, I uttered the only thing I could. "Thank you."

The air was charged between us as all these new revelations overwhelmed me. She saw me. She saw through me. More importantly, she saw into me. Into my past. Into my present. Into the person I created last year and the man I returned to this year.

_I got up from the floor, knowing this was a moment I could not pass up. I lightly tapped her hip for her to scoot over and took a precarious perch on the edge of the sofa._

_"Bella." I placed my arm on the back of the sofa and leaned slightly towards her. "I saw your arms. I saw them the other day."_

_Her eyes widened in horror. Her lips parted to contradict me._

_"Wait." I pleaded, hoping to buy me the time I needed to say this. "I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to pressure you. But I know." _

_Her eyes became wide in fear. Tears began pooling in the crease of her lids._

_"I know something happened. I know you were hurt. That you are hurt."_

_I brought my hand to gently cup her face._

_"When you are ready. When you want to. I will be here. I will listen. I will help you. You are safe with me… I will always be here."_

_She pressed her cheek into my hand, and I accepted her silent answer. The answer that if converted to verbal form would say "Thank you."_

"Aren't you going to get up?" Bella said looking at me with a puzzled expression.

"What?"

"We should probably get back to our rooms. Don't you have class today?"

Oh Shit. I blanked out. Wait. What. The. Fuck. I didn't have anything to drink last night. What the hell happen to the last few minutes?

"Huh?"

"You know. Our rooms. Classes. We're still in the lounge."

"Crap. Yeah. I'm sorry." I rolled out from under my blanket and kneeled. Slowly folding the blanket, I tried to decipher what part of the conversation I just had with Bella was real. Because, obviously my version was wrong based on the fact that she was looking at me like I had two heads.

"Are you alright?" she asked me.

"Yeah. Fine," I answered again, the diarrhea with the mouth extremely prominent.

She gathered my comforter and pillow and stood, heading towards the doors. I followed suit because I didn't know what else to do.

I unlocked and opened the doors and soon, we were walking down the hall towards our rooms. My mind became awash with déjà vu. The same silence as yesterday filled the space between us.

"I'm sorry." Her voice came out no louder than a whisper.

"What?" I stopped at the small stairs. The same stairs that she slipped down yesterday. "Sorry for what?"

"Well. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Upset me?" I was a skipping record. Fuck.

"I kind of called you a jerk. I didn't mean to make you mad."

"Wait… You think I'm mad because you called me a jerk?" I was … totally confused.

"Yeah." She hung her head, allowing her bed hair to obstruct half of her face.

God. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm having hallucinations. I rewound the last few words she said and put the pieces together. She was referring to her comment about my wonderful personality last year.

"I was a jerk." I was so nonplussed that I thought my reaction would bowl her over. "Bella, last year I was a jerk. And an ass. And, well, pretty much every crappy thing under the sun. You're right."

Her shoulders relaxed and she tucked that long curtain of hair behind her ear. She smiled and again, I couldn't help but be caught by her simplistic beauty. And her honestly. The imaginary conversation popped back to the forefront of my brain.

Her being honest made me want to be honest. I wanted to tell her that I saw the marks. That she didn't have to hide from me. I wanted the elephant that sat squarely between us to be uncovered. She was candid and I wanted to so the same.

We had almost reached her door, before my determination took affect.

"Bella, I know about the…"

"Stop!" Her abrupt termination of my sentence left me floundering. "Please don't. I don't want to. I don't want to know what you know. I just…." She dropped her head, so I couldn't see her eyes. "I can't. Please. I just can't."

I wanted to grab her. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to scream to her that it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I knew she was bruised. It didn't matter that she was marked. I wanted to force her to accept that it made no difference if I said it or not. I knew what was coloring her skin and it didn't change a thing.

I needed her to know that I knew and that… I was still here. That I was still standing next to her. That… That she was still… beautiful.

"Edward." Her voice was no more that a whimper, projected solely to the floor and not to me. It was a pleading voice. "Please don't."

Staring at her head, her hair haphazardly dangling forward as her eyes looked down in profound shame, I got it. I wanted to tell her. But she needed my silence. She needed me to say nothing.

My fantasy conversation was wrong. Absolutely, totally wrong. How could I have ever thought that just voicing my intuition would make everything all right? That she would be relieved. I would be relieved. Everything would end happy.

What an idiot.

She continued staring at the floor while my brain processed this new revelation. Finally I found my voice. "It's okay, Bella." I reached between us and lightly grasped her wrist. "It's alright."

At my touch, her head lifted and her eyes met mine. I gave her a small crooked smile in a vain attempt to sooth her worries. It worked, I think. Her brown orbs seemed brighter, even though they were brimming with unspent tears. She returned a tentative smile before turning and opening her door.

It softly closed behind her, as I stood square in the middle of the hallway. After a moment, I walked to my room and entered.

For some unfathomable reason I felt like I was drowning. But I wasn't drowning alone. Bella had been in the water longer, was more tired, more battered. I was out there to help her. But I just couldn't reach her. And without reaching her, I would never swim back to shore.

Bella needed help. I needed help.

I walked over to my desk and opened my cell phone and dialed the one person I knew could throw me a life preserver. On the third ring, voicemail picked up, but it didn't matter. I knew she would return my call.

A/N Because I have such awesome readers and reviews I am giving you two chapters in one day. So show me some love. Lots and lots of reviewing love.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Having a stamp made that says - still don't own these awesome characters.

Halfway through philosophy class, my cell beeped, indicating someone left me a voice mail. I was relieved when I saw the caller id. I just had to wait until after class to listen to the message.

I hated the idea of asking for help, but after my real attempt at talking to Bella backfired, I knew I didn't have a choice. I couldn't believe how foolish I was to think my little hallucinatory conversation could become blissful reality. Bella's plea, when I broached the subject was a loud warning bell. She was by no means broken, but whatever happened had cracked her enough that one wrong word and she would shatter.

I didn't even wait to leave the classroom after the professor dismissed us. I dialed my voicemail and was relieved to find I could head right over to the center. Grabbing my bags, I started fast-tracking across campus. The hurried pace accomplished two things. First, it prevented anyone from hailing me. Who really would interrupt someone who's speed-walking like their ass is on fire. Second, I was so focused on not tripping, I couldn't think about the conversation I was about to have. Besides, isn't that what waiting rooms were for.

I was almost to the door of the building when I saw the sign. I stopped, read it twice as always and laughed. It was an inside joke that only seniors were privy to. The building that holds the counseling center also contains an alternative and holistic health center. The irony being that before it's current occupants, it housed the number one pot smoking, drug dealing fraternity on campus. They got shut down my freshman year. To add to the irony, incense was still burned in an effort to add to the holistic ambiance.

"Hi Edward," Dotty greeted me from behind the reception desk when I entered. "What brings you by?"

"Just coming to see Esme."

"She's a lucky lady to have your company today."

"Ah, you know I only come here for you, Dotty." I gave her a wicked smile, and her wonderfully aged face blushed. I had met her my first week on campus and she was by far the sweetest little old lady alive. She reminded me completely of my grandmother. Which is exactly why I went around the desk separating us and planted a sweet kiss on her cheek.

"You're going to make Henry jealous," she teased. Henry being her husband.

"Good. Give him an incentive to treat you right. Competition is healthy."

"Oh you devil. Now you get out of here. Save some of that sugar for your aunt." She shooed me towards the offices down the hall but not without tossing me a wink. I gave her a chivalrous bow before knocking on Esme's door.

"Come on in," a soft voice called from behind the door. I entered the office and took a seat on the sofa. Esme was on the phone, so the family hug would have to wait.

I looked across her messy desk and immediately was homesick. The facial structures and the reddish hair was the same as my mom's, only Esme kept her hair long, where my mom's was cropped. They share the same hazel eyes, but my aunt's face is fuller, not as gaunt as her sister. They were both beautiful women, but my own mother tried too hard, where Esme's beauty was more natural.

I was actually surprised to find out my aunt worked at the school I was going to attend. I knew her profession and that she worked at a college, but for some vague reason, the name of her employer never came up. That was actually a small roost my parents concocted. They didn't want me to reject St. Lawrence just because family worked there.

I was actually grateful for the deception. It's not like I could just drive home to Chicago for the weekend if I found myself homesick. It was great to have family in walking distance, but the more remarkable thing was the latitude she gave me. She didn't check up on me, her only nephew. Never pulled strings or called in favors for me. Actually I think the only people on campus that knew of our biological connection were my uncle and Dotty. Maybe someone in admissions knew, but they really didn't count.

It was because of this respectful relationship that I felt comfortable coming to her. When I came to her house, I was her nephew. But when I came to her office, I was a student. As now, as a student in her office, I waited patiently for her to conclude her phone call.

"Ok, Yeah that sounds great. I'll see you at home….. Love you too. Bye." She hung up the phone and turned towards me. Her cheeks flamed red when she noticed I was watching her. "What?" She questioned me, trying to buy some time for her face to return to normal color.

"Nothing" I smirked. I loved teasing my aunt.

"Yeah, and your face isn't covered in bullshit or anything."

"Boy. What would mom say if she heard you use such language in front of her impressionable child."

"She would congratulate me for not putting up with the Masen charm. You totally got that smart ass gene from your dad."

I couldn't help but laugh and she joined me too.

She gave me a moment for the kidding to die down, before she transformed into counselor mode. It was such a distinct change that I knew the moment for hugs had passed.

"How are you doing, Edward"

I knew the question was not really relevant to me. She was letting me lead. This is why she is so good at her job.

I sat for a few minutes, formulating sentences in my head, picking what information to share and what to withhold. I needed her advice but at the same time refused to identify Bella.

"I could really use some help with one of my residents." Yeah, that was vague and still direct.

"Okay."

The next part was harder and I took a few moments to shore up my willpower. This is important. This is serious. This is for Bella. This soon became my mantra.

"I think one of my residents was … assaulted."

"You think or you know?"

Again, silence. But Esme was patient and understanding and I knew she was the right person to talk to.

"I saw bruises on her arms and scratches on her neck. She woke up screaming in terror and… Well she hasn't said anything, but I know something happened to her."

"Has she said anything to you?"

"No. I tried to bring it up this morning, but she just froze up. Asked me not to ask her. I don't get it. If something happened and she told me, I could help her."

"Maybe she's not ready to talk to anyone."

"Yeah. I thought about that. She hasn't said anything. Not even to her best friend. I mean, why wouldn't she say anything. She's not stupid. She's not weak. She is smart and beautiful and is just letting this tear her apart. Somebody hurt her and she just keeps quiet. How can she keep quiet? I don't get it.

"Edward, what do you think happened?"

"Damn, Esme. I don't want to think about what happened. I just want to know what to do. How do I talk to her? What do I say?"

At my defensive response, she pulled away from her desk, walked around and took a seat next to me on the couch. The next thing she did must be an aunt thing because she took my hand into hers.

"Edward. I want to tell you a few things. But I need you to listen."

"Of course, " I snapped back at her. That was the whole reason I was here.

"There are many things that happened on a college campus."

I couldn't help be roll my eyes. This was practically the same shit the handed out at resident assistant training. "I know all this, Esme." I couldn't help but let my frustration slip out.

"Ok, shut up or I'm not going to talk to you. Edward," she demanded and to emphasize her point, she squeezed my hand.

"Fine," I relented.

"Random non-sexual assaults between men and women on campus are actually relatively small. Sexual assaults are more prevalent and assaults committed by someone the victim knows is high."

"One out of four women on this campus will be sexually assaulted. One in eight women will be raped before they graduate and 84% of those raped, knew their assailant. Of those raped, over 75% involves alcohol."

"I know all this, Esme. I know that could be a possibility. But it doesn't make sense. She would have fought. She would have reported it. There is no way she could have… she's responsible… she's just… she's smarter than that."

Suddenly, Esme's face contorted into a version of my mothers, conveying a strong disgust at what I said.

"Please tell me you are not saying only the irresponsible and ignorant get raped? I swear I'll knock you across the head. And let me tell you. Your mom will hit you harder when I tell her."

"No I'm not saying that. I just… Why would she keep it a secret? Why wouldn't she tell someone? I mean, I understand not wanting to say anything to me But she has great friends. She could talk to them or you or one of the campus advocates. There are so many people who are out there."

I couldn't help but yank my hand away from her tender touch. This conversation was not going where I wanted it to go. Deep down, I knew Bella had been assaulted. It was really the only explanation for the bruises and scratches and the nightmare. But she couldn't have been raped. She wouldn't let herself be raped. It was ridiculous. Unfathomable. It just… couldn't have happened.

Bella's too strong, too confident to allow it. And even if it did… well even if that did happen, she would have reported it. She would have wanted the bastard to fry.

I didn't realize I was lost in my own thought process until Esme gently took my hand again. She squeezed it to call my attention back to her.

"Will you try something with me Edward. It won't hurt. I just need you to trust me and to be honest and answer the questions I'm going to ask you. Do you think you can do that?"

I turned my head up to look her square in the eye. What ever she was trying, whatever exercise she made me do, wasn't going to change that fact that Bella couldn't have been raped. I just had to prove to Esme that she was wrong and then we could get back to the actually reason I came to see her. To find out how to best talk to Bella.

"Edward, have you ever gotten drunk?"

"It's college, Esme."

"Have you ever had sex with someone while you were drunk?"

"Do I have to answer that." That was too much information to share with a relative.

"Yeah, that pretty much was a yes, my dear nephew," she chided me. "Have you ever gotten so drunk that you passed out?" She gave me a very sympathetic look and I had to remind myself that this was counselor Esme and not my aunt.

"Yeah, a few times."

"This next question is hard, but I need you to be honest with me. There is no judging here, okay?"

"Okay."

"Have you ever gotten so drunk that you blacked out and when you woke up there was someone with you and you realized you had sex and couldn't remember it?"

I had to look down before I could mutter my response. It had only happened twice and as much as I hated sharing, I promised her I would be honest.

"Yeah."

Esme reached over and brought my face parallel to hers again. There was a moment of silence before she continued.

"Now with this last question, I need you to think about your feelings. Concentrate on what your reactions would be. Okay?"  
"Okay."

"You have one of those nights, where you are so drunk that you black out. You don't know what went on or what happened. When you wake up you are in a strange place, in a strange bed and you are not alone. You know something sexual happened because you know your body. You feel sore, you can tell you are bruised. And when you look to see who is next to you, and you see him."

It took a minute to process her last word and then I corrected her. "Esme, don't you mean her? There wouldn't be a him. There is no way in hell I'd let a guy screw me. That's just crazy." I practically jump up from the couch. "It's fucking embarrassing that you would even say that."

"Edward. That is the point."

"Huh?"

"Think about what you just said to me. There's no way that would happen. That's crazy. I'd never let that happened. It's too embarrassing even to discuss it. That is what a person who has been sexually assaulted or raped feels like."

I couldn't help but shake my head in denial and return to my perch on the couch.

"If that did happen to you, would you tell anyone?"

"Esme. That's just fucking different. That would never happen."

"Edward. Every person on this campus, male or female believes it will never happen. And the feelings you just spoke about. Those are the reason a victim stays silent. If your resident was assaulted and from what you said, I believe she was, she probably knows who did it, she sees him constantly around campus. If he's part of a larger social group, then not only does she feel violated but also threatened and embarrassed. With all those feelings and fears stacked against her, do you really think she would come forward and tell someone?"

And just like that I was beaten. I just hit the matt after going 12 rounds with George Forman. All of my reasons, excuses, the unattainable pedestal I had inadvertently put Bella on, were wiped away by my aunt's honest truth. Not only was I down for the count, but I was also sinking. If Bella was sexually assaulted, if she was… How was I going to talk to her? How could I help her? How could I even face her?

She would see that I knew. She would comprehend the look in my eyes when I caught her gaze. She would…. Oh God. She would avoid me. She would be embarrassed. I would lose her.

I would lose her? Is she even mine?

"Edward, are you friends with this resident?" Esme's voice brought me back from my thoughts.

"Yes."

"Do you think you could convince her to come talk to me?"

"No."

"Edward, you are going to have to be very careful how you handle this. The best thing you could do is convince her to come talk to me. And that will be really hard to do."

I could only shake my head as reality sunk into my bones.

"Edward, what is her name?"

"What?"

"What is her name, Edward?"

I knew how to answer that. All the training I've received said, if you suspect a crime has been committed, to report it. I knew that Esme would protect that information and do what ever she could to help Bella, but…

"I can't tell you her name, Esme."

"Edward. This is serious. It's very important that I know who she is."

"I'm sorry. I just can't."

I could tell the she was about to argue with me. Her eyebrows even converged to tell me that wasn't the answer she wanted. It must be a genetic defect. My mother could do the same thing whenever I refused her.

To spare a lecture that I'm sure was in my forecast; I quickly stood and grabbed the office door. I couldn't just leave her hanging though, so as I stood with handle in my hand, I turned back to my aunt.

"Esme, I really appreciate this. But please know I can't tell you right now. I can't betray her."

"Edward, wait." Esme followed my movement and was now standing with me at the door. She brought up her delicate hand and grasped my shoulder. "You must remember that she…your resident is a victim and even though your first instinct is to confront her, that is not the best way to handle it. You have to be patient and respectful and above all else non-judgmental. You also need to reassure her and be supportive. If you can gained enough of her trust than you can advise her to seek help."

Before I could stop it, she pulled me into a tight hug. Without pulling away, she spoke into my ear. "Please. Please know that all I want to do is help. I am here for her and for you. I love you, Edward,"

I couldn't help but squeeze her back. "I love you too, Esme." One more squeeze and I silently pulled away and was out the door. If she held me any longer I would have spilled out Bella's name. That was another family trait, the longer the hug, the more is revealed.

The walk back towards the dorm was much slower. I was letting my conversation with my aunt sink in. The stupid part of this equation was that every word was already ingrained. It was the comprehension that was agonizingly difficult.

Bella had been hurt. Bella might have been assaulted. Bella might have been sexually assaulted. Bella might have been raped. Might have been. Probably. Those words were easier to swallow than the all encompassing, gigantic word that was definitely.

How was I ever going to talk to her if she…

Might have been…

Probably….

Oh God. Definitely….

Stop.

What word comes before all those scenarios?????

Bella.

Bella comes before all those words. Her name leads every one of those sentences. Written down, her name is capitalized, not because it's a proper noun, but because it is first. And what ever comes after that beautiful, name, really doesn't mean much. Because even though those things might have, probably, definitely happened, Bella was more important then all of them.

A/N A few things you should know. First the stats that Esme gives Edward are true. I gathered them from the U.S department of Justice. I understand that this is a fanfiction, but I take this topic very serious.

Second, I hope everyone understood where I was going when Esme said Him and not Her. 92% of victims of date rape are females. Date rape is very difficult for men to empathize with and I wanted to give a scenario that would help a male relate better to the topic.

Third, the health center at St. Lawrence University actually did house the worst drug using frat on campus, until they lost their charter and house.

So, you all get two chapters in 1 day. Yeah, I know you are so happy now. Please show me your happiness. Review Reveiw, send me lots of lovin' reviews.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N The powers that be have informed me that I do not own these characters, which I already knew. I think they just wanted to bug me.

I was standing under a tree again. People must think I have a tree fetish. Across the quad by the student union, Bella and Alice were sitting on a bench, the same piece of wood that supported my ass a few days ago. I wondered if there was plaque nailed to it saying "Donated in honor of Alice Brandon'. I wouldn't put it past her. She could forever lay claim to a part of St. Lawrence.

After speaking to Esme, I was a man on a mission. She might have, could have, definitely been raped but she was still Bella. And I could help her. I could touch her in such an innocuous way to subconsciously remind her that my touch was different. My touch could replace, erase, and eliminate all other. I could send her silent messages through my eyes, telling her that I knew and that it was going to be all right. I could just walk up to her and help It disappear.

But then I saw Alice with her, and my feet grew roots by the old maple. And now I was screwed, looking like a total idiot staring at the brown-eyed girl on the bench next to her pixie best friend.

Esme could have told me.

Esme should have told me.

She should have warned me that nobody has a life altering epiphany on the way home from the college-counseling center. It was no wonder my feet cemented themselves into the moist earth. Because the earth had moisture, water and nutrients, and standing under this tree, I was the proverbial fish out of water.

I went to Esme for help. She gave me help. It was supposed to point me in the right direction, lead my horse to water. It was supposed to be … momentous.

But it wasn't. She didn't show me the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the yellow brick road. Like Dorothy, I expected her to lead me in the general direction of the road. In reality, all she did was point out the ruby slippers and they weren't even on my feet. I had to find my own yellow brick road and take the girl on my right, who was wearing the ruby slippers, down the path with me.

Because Esme is a fucking genius and knows that Dorothy can't take the road alone.

I was dazed and confused and lost in the Land of Oz, when the sound of Bella's grasp snapped me back to reality. My attention focused just in time to see Alice's fingers clench around Bella's arm. It was the spot right above her elbow. The skin was most likely now an ugly shade of purple-green and very tender. Bella yelped and Alice pulled her hand away.

My muscles tensed in an involuntary reaction. I was just about to break my bonds with the earth when a strong hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Let her do this," Jasper commanded into my ear. I jerked my shoulder at my asinine intruder, but his fingers just dug further into my flesh.

"This is between Bella and Alice."

I couldn't help it. My tension eased at the sound of her name, but not my frustration and I rounded on Jasper.

He immediately took the defensive and placed his other hand on my unoccupied shoulder. His face was calm but his eyes demanding. "This is between Bella and Alice," he repeated.

"What the fuck, Jazz?" I couldn't help it. My mouth spoke before my brain engaged. I spun around so I could regain the view I previously had of Alice and Bella.

Bella was standing now, towering over Alice. She was talking, no arguing and Alice just remained on the bench listening. Alice then leaned towards her slightly, stretching her hand out to her friend. Bella snapped, "No. Just leave me alone." Her loud words cut across the quad to Jasper and me.

As Bella stalked away, I felt Jaspers grasp loosen. His demeanor mimicked Alice's distraught form. I couldn't help but feel the weight of defeat hang in the air around us.

Instinctively, my eyes followed Bella as she walked away from Alice, her best friend for 4 years. She walked almost parallel to me before shifting her weight and halting. She readjusted her bag and in doing so turned directly at me. Her face was flushed and red. I didn't need a magnifying glass to see the tears threatening to blur her vision. For a moment, we looked at each other, and then she turned back towards Alice.

When she brought her face to mine again, she no longer looked broken. She looked mad and I could feel the heat flowing from her accusatory eyes. She steadied her bag, straightened her back and stormed away.

Oh, shit.

I have been around the opposite sex long enough to know that look. Alice said something to piss her off. And that glare I just received told me that in Bella's feminine mind, I was somehow to blame. I instantly became the asshole. Not her pushy, perky friend, but the piano playing resident assistant.

Now what the hell do I do?

I couldn't just run after Bella. That would definitely make her angrier. So I did the next best thing, I turned on Alice as she walked up to Jasper.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"That," I pointed my finger in Bella's last known direction "was. Not. Nothing."

"Hey," Jasper piped in. "Don't take this out on Alice."

"Why not?" I snapped. "Why did you have to push her?"

"Because she's my friend," Alice threw back at me, while taking a step closer. "She needs to tell me what happened."

"She doesn't need to tell you anything. Do you even know what you are talking about, Alice?"

"Look, I know something happened. I know she was hurt. She needs to tell me so we can fix this. So I can help her fix it."

"You grabbed her arm, Alice? You hurt her."

"I didn't hurt her. I just want her to stop pretending that everything is fine. She is not fine, Edward. She can't hide it anymore. I won't let her."

"You won't let her?"

"Look, Edward. I've known Bella a lot longer. She doesn't share her problems. She lets them eat at her because she doesn't want to burden others. She keeps everything inside. She's kept this in too long. It's time for her to face it."

"I forced her to face it and once she's cooled off, I can talk to her. It's the best way to deal with this." Alice lightly touched my arm in an effort to cool my temper. It didn't work.

I could literally feel the blood boil in my veins.

"The best way to deal with it. Do you even know what the fuck you are dealing with? Do you have any idea what really happened? Or is this some psychic intuition of yours that's telling you that… forcing her… hurting her, is the best way to help?" I couldn't help but pinch the bridge of my nose in an effort to reign in the rage that was flowing inside of me. "You really think she's gonna fucking talk to you after that!"

"Hey man, back off. Alice is just trying to help." Jasper was playing mediator and failing miserably.

"Look, why the hell are you even yelling at me?" It was Alice's turn to throw the verbal punches. "You're her R.A. and you haven't paid her shit since sophomore year. And now all of the sudden YOU are telling ME how to talk to my best friend. You think you know what's best for Bella? You don't know shit, Edward. She's not a problem that needs to be rescued and saved."

"No Alice, she's not. But she's not some doll that will talk if you pull her string hard enough."

"ENOUGH!" Jasper growled at us before taking a firm stand between us. "This is bullshit. Knock it off." He turned on both of us but I couldn't help feeling that his rant was directed more towards me than his girlfriend. "You are both on the same side and I swear to God, if Bella heard any of this crap, you would both be screwed."

"Alice, I know you want to help. She's your best friend." When her venomous eyes turned on Jasper, he added, "You've known her a long time. She trusts you. But maybe pushing her right now is not the best move. I know she needs to get it out, but you can't force her."

"And Edward. Alice is right. She knows Bella. Christ, they were roommates and are best friends. Why are you being such an over protective prick? Why do you care so much?" Jasper volleyed his eyes between the two of us before finally settling on me. It was like being reprimanded by my father. "I know you guys were friends."

"Are friends," I snapped out.

"Okay… are friends. But jumping down Alice's throat is not going to help. You must have had to deal with this stuff before being an R.A. Has she said anything to you? Do you have any idea what might have happened?"

And here enters the big conundrum. Do I share my newfound knowledge of what could have, might have, definitely happened to Bella, or do I continue to play the ignorance card? I honestly didn't know what was better. I knew that Jasper, and most of all Alice, cared about Bella and they were only trying to help. But I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that sharing with them that Bella could have been raped was strictly taboo. It was too personal, and it wasn't my secret to share. It was the same feeling of protectiveness that overcame me in Esme's office. Even if I knew precisely what had happened, I would not betray Bella.

So I did something totally out of the norm for me. I conceded and lied. "I don't know what happened," trying to sound oblivious. I turned directly to Alice, semi-remorseful, "I'm sorry, I snapped at you. I just don't like seeing her hurt."

Alice stared at me for a moment and then unexpectedly gave me a hug. "I know you care about her, but just let me talk to her. I know I pissed her off, but Bella doesn't know how to stay mad. She'll calm down, and then I'll talk to her."

I pulled away from her tiny arms and looked her dead in the face. "I really hope you're right, Alice." I had to say it, even as my gut seized at the words. I turned, giving Jasper a pat on the back in the customary male form of communicating 'no hard feelings?" He slapped my back in return, reassuring me that things were cool. Then I walked away, because I had to.

There were so many things wrong with this situation. I truly wanted to verbally pound Alice into the ground. How could she possibly know how to talk to a victim of rape? Even if that person was her best friend. I should have said something.

But I didn't. I couldn't. Jazz was right. Bella would be devastated to know Alice and I were arguing over her. That was the only reason I swallowed my pride and apologized. Bella was suffering enough. I would never add to that by allowing her to know that her friends were fighting over her.

I was her friend. I was protecting my friend. I just wanted to help Bella. But that was just…bullshit. Jasper' blatant accusation hit me deep and it reverberated in my bones and blood.

"_Why are you being such an over protective prick? Why do you care so much?"_

Why did I care so much? Why was I so protective? Why was I so worried about her being hurt? Why was I being such an ass to the people Bella was closest to? Why was I so invested?

Why?

Why?

And then it hit me. She was important. Not because she was my resident. Not because she was the beautiful person I knew two years ago. She was just…

Important.

To me…

I followed on the path that Bella had headed down. I didn't know where she was going when she gave me her ocular version of a death ray. All I knew was the direction and my body and mind were demanding that I follow it. She was important. Too important not to follow.

A half a mile down the path the gravel split, one way leading to the campus bookstore, the other to the university equestrian stables. I veered towards the bookstore. Bella was not a horse person.

I entered and caught her brown locks by the literature section. I didn't approach her, because to be honest, I was too much of a chicken-shit and had no clue what I would say. I walked around the store, trying to collect my thoughts. I meandered through the music aisles glancing at artists I haven't paid attention to in years, all the while keeping a close watch on those brown tresses that were calling me. She hovered by the classics. I could only imagine the books she was looking at.

Suddenly she grabbed one and headed towards the checkout. Unfortunately, the music section I was firmly entrenched in was between her and the checkout. Fate hated me, because she turned down my aisle to get to the cashier.

"Bella, please." I made the first move, not having any other choice.

"Get away from me."

"Bella, I swear I didn't do anything."

"If you didn't do anything, then why the hell are you following me? You told her. You are the only one who could have said anything." She took a breath trying to steady herself. "I trusted you. I wanted to trust you and you fucking told her. I'm not an idiot…"

"I never said you were an idiot." It was the stupidest reply I could come up with.

"I saw your face when I tripped that night. You tried so hard not to say anything about my arm. You tried so hard to be nice. And then when I wouldn't talk to you about it this morning, you went to Alice. You fucking told Alice," she hissed at me.

I wanted the ground to suck me into hell. She thought I told Alice. I didn't tell a soul, but she thought I betrayed her.

"Bella, I didn't…"

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I thought you had changed. I thought I could…" Her shoulders slumped at those last words. She cast her eyes toward the floor, defeated. Before I could utter another word, she dropped her intended purchase and bolted out the door, leaving me sinking.

I didn't move. I couldn't. I just stood there in the bookstore's T-Z section of CD's looking at the novel she discarded at my feet.

The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne.

My conversation with Esme flooded back to me. Victims are embarrassed. Victims are scared. Victims are silent.

But Hester Prynne couldn't be silent. She was forced to wear the emboldened letter A for the entire world to see. That's why Bella picked the book. Even though her letter was invisible, she would always feel that R burned upon her chest.

I choked back the bile that rose in the back of my throat.

Alice was wrong in her approach, but right in her intentions. Bella would never share this. She would keep this hidden. What happened to her would eat at her soul until only tiny pockets of her sanity were left. And without help and support, that too would wither.

I wanted to yell out an apology to Alice, but that would have to wait. I had to find Bella. And unlike Alice, I would not let her walk away.

I stopped by her dorm. There was no answer. I even opened her door with the master key that I refused to return.

I called Alice. She hadn't heard from Bella.

I checked the campus pub, only to get berated by Emmett and Jake for refusing to come over to the house and finish up the music mix for tomorrows after pinning party.

I went to the library, and God finally shone upon me.

Bella was working the checkout along with her friend Angela. I slipped in and hurried over to hide in the reserved section. I heard a loud moan of annoyance signifying she caught me, but I ignored it.

I found a table that was just out of her visual range, but gave me a solid view of most of the check out desk and exit. She was located farthest away from the door, so I would immediately know if she was leaving. I sent up a silent prayer that she wouldn't use any employee entrances. I grabbed an insignificant book off the shelf and settled in.

It seemed like ages before she finally prepared to leave the library. I noticed Angela grabbing her bag, too. This should have frustrated me, but it didn't. I wanted to talk to Bella alone, but beggars can't be choosers. I grabbed my jacket and stood, waiting for her to make the first move.

She saw me and gave me a look so fierce I felt my resolve waver. They were out the library door before I recovered.

I should just let her go. She was still furious. She needed more time to cool off. This can wait.

No. This can't wait. This is important. She is important. She is important to me, and I will not let her think for another moment that I betrayed her. I will not let her wear that letter alone.

I caught up to her fifty yards from the library.

"Bella," I called.

"Get away from me."

"Please. I just want to talk to you."

"You did enough talking for one day." Her words stung and her step stayed constant. She was walking straight down the path away from the library with Angela at her side.

She was walking away. She was getting away, and I needed her to listen, so I did something utterly desperate.

I ran around them and blocked their path, dropping my backpack in a vain attempt to block her exit.

"Christ Edward, what the hell are you doing?" Bella's voice was pure hatred.

I directed my next words to Angela. I didn't want to embarrass Bella any further then I already had.

"Angela. Please give me a few minutes. You don't have to go far," I pleaded.

Angela stood steadfast by her friend, until Bella nodded. Then she stepped back a few paces but stayed within hearing distance.

It was now or never, and I could not live with never. I looked at Bella.

"I'm in front of you because I need to talk to you. I didn't tell Alice anything, because what she did today hurt you."

"She loves you and cares about you but she was wrong. She was wrong to push you. She was wrong to grab you."

"You have no idea how much I want to hold you, to stop you and make you believe me. But I won't touch you, because touching you right now would hurt you. I could never hurt you. I could never cause you pain."

Her breath hitched.

"I would never do that, Bella. I will never do that to you. So as much as I want to hold you, and comfort you, I won't. I'm here because it is the only thing I know to do to make you listen. I care about you too much." My eyes pleaded with her.

"You are too beautiful to ever be marked by pain."

The autumn silence was deafening, until a weary cry broke through the stillness. Her knees wobbled slightly as her internal damn broke over her. I was to her in an instant, just in time to catch her as she sagged towards the ground.

The last time I held her as she cried, she held her own. This time her grief was overpowering and I tightened my arms around her, shouldering her weight and burden as it finally consumed her.

A/N I have an awesome Beta in Twilightzoner and I just wanted you all to know.

I only wish real life provided all of us with a knight in shining armour with gorgeous green eyes, but alast, reality is cruel. That's why we read fanfic. I love you all for reading and reviewing. This is a tough subject and you all give me support and strength to continue.

Thank you thank you thank you.

BellaBeth


	10. Chapter 10

A/N Stephenie Meyers sat in a chair. Stephenie had a great tale to share. So Twi-ction, and TZ, Angstgoddess and me. Could all write great stories. For you all to read.

I always thought that "cry yourself to sleep" was just a thing moms referenced in stories about their crazy cranking infants. My mom often used the phrase at family gatherings when people would ask if I was a good sleeper as a baby.

"Oh, yes. He sleeps through the night, once he's cried himself to sleep" she would always cheerfully reply as if she was vying for the mother of the year award for accomplishing the amazing feat of having her 5-month old sleep through the night.

Tonight I understood the phrase and I have to say I will never let my own child cry itself to sleep, alone in a bed with bars like a prison.

It was well past midnight before Bella finally succumbed to slumber and only after I gave my word to her insistent pleading not to leave her alone. How could I ever leave her alone? We were in my room, curled up on my bed.

Angela and I had tried to get her into her room, but her convulsive hysterics quickly ended that plan.

"Please don't. Please, don't leave me alone."

Those were the only discernable words we could comprehend as Angela and I stood bracing her at her doorway. I bent at every command she uttered. Besides, there was no way in hell I was going to search her for her key. It was also the one night I didn't have the master building key on me, not like it would have made a difference.

Angela was awesome. Angela is awesome. I need to smack some sense into Ben. He has a damn good thing looking straight at him and he's just oblivious.

At the first sob from Bella, Angela was at her side, helping me hold her up, grabbing my backpack from the ground. She spoke softly to Bella, hushing her, reassuring her as we both brought her away from the library. If I hadn't been so preoccupied I would have been at awe in how calm and collected Angela was. She was the safety room during a tornado and I for one grabbed on to her grounding strength. It was her constancy that made me rethink my next actions.

I so wanted to just pick Bella up and cradle her in my arms. But Angela's presence halted my actions and not because carrying Bella would be slightly embarrassing to us both.

I didn't follow my instinct because a disturbing thought passed though me. What if He had picked her up? Would holding her bring about a flash of memory and cause her even more pain? Was it even okay to put my arms around her? I already subconsciously avoided handling her upper arms. I don't think I could ever touch her there again after seeing her reaction to Alice this afternoon.

And that's when it hit me. Angela and I were helping Bella back to the dorm when the hatred washed over me.

He fucked everything up. He destroyed her trust in anyone who could and would love her. I wanted to touch her, but I couldn't. I wanted to console her, but didn't know where to put my hands. I wanted to say something, but didn't want to say something already spoken. And then the bile of revulsion crept up my throat as I accepted the fact that he shattered so many firsts that could have been.

On the walk back to the dorm, holding onto a precious creature that was so traumatized, I realized that I could truly hate. I allowed myself these few moments of fierce loathing, knowing that Angela, a person I didn't really know, would pick up the slack and sooth and comfort Bella. And honestly if I opened my mouth, I would not be able to hide my anger.

I hated him. I hated the person that could break such a beautiful light. I hated that he touched her first. I hated that his scent would forever linger in her pores, in her memory. The feeling that this created in the pit of my stomach was indescribable. Only her sobs and tears only dampened the fire that was trying to consume me.

I had to keep control. I had to keep calm. I had to concentrate on the only true thing that mattered right now. Bella. Knowing her, she would pick up on my emotions and automatically blame herself. I needed to prevent that at all cost.

Once we got Bella into my room, I stood back and allowed Angela to continue to console her. Her whispers were calming as she stroked Bella's sweaty hair away from her face. "It's okay sweetie. It's okay. You are going to be all right. It's going to be okay." I let her words flow through me helping me to further control my feelings.

"Edward, could you get some water, please?" Angela asked. I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. Angela was leading and I was relieved to be given a task to perform.

"I don't have any here. I'll run down to the dorm store and be right back." I grabbed my wallet from my backpack and left the room, leaving Bella curled up on my bed with her head in Angela's lap.

Thank God I didn't have to go far. It was another huge benefit of my dorm. It had its own mini store in the basement. While I was getting the water, I decided a few other items might be needed - a box of Kleenex, two bottles of coke, some sour cream and onion chips and a few chocolate bars. Packed with my comfort food supplies, I headed back to my room.

I turned the corner to my hall and was surprised to see Emmett walking towards my door.

"Emmett," I called over to him.

"There you are. What the hell, Edward. You were supposed to help me out for tomorrow night."

I actually hit my hand on my head in a physical representation of my forgotten obligation. "Dude, I am really sorry. Something came up."

He eyed me suspiciously. "Something came up the required you to buy a shit load of crap food?"

Crap. Emmett was mad and that was not an emotion he expressed often. I had to somehow smooth this over without spilling the beans.

"Look, man. I really am sorry. Something is going on with my hall and I really needed to take care of it." I could tell my semi-honest explanation was working, but he still looked annoyed.

"Do you at least have that CD you promised to make?"

"Yeah. I got it right in my room. I'll get it for you." Then something occurred to me. "Do you mind waiting out here while I go get it."

"Why?" Suddenly, Emmett's gaze flashed in anger. "You have a girl in there. You fucking blew me off for a girl."

My stomach tensed at his accusation and immediately jumped to the defensive. "No, I didn't blow you off for a girl. I told you, I have some resident shit to deal with. Don't be an ass, Emmett. You know me better than that."

"Yeah, because your track record last year really puts you on a high celibacy pedestal," he snapped back.

Just as my snotty retort lay on the tip of my tongue, Murphy's Law showed up. Angela opened my dorm room door, and I seriously thought that Emmett was going to swing one at me. His face was furious, because he and everyone in our fraternity knew of Ben's obsession with Angela.

"We can hear you, and it's really not helping," she quipped. I caught on to her usage of the plural pronoun immediately. It took Emmett a moment longer. As if to verify that his hearing was up to par, he glanced into my room. On my bed, Bella was still curled into a ball, only now my pillow cushioned her head instead of Angela. There was no misinterpretation of the red streaks down her cheeks and the gasping of her breath.

"Did you get the water?" Angela asked, obviously still in command of the situation. I nodded and handed her my over-stuffed snack bag. She took it and quickly disappeared back into my room, closing the door behind her.

I stared at Emmett, waiting. I was actually surprised. It took a full minute for him to digest the situation and find his vocal chords to again. "Edward. What's going on?"

I took a deep breath, then another in the hopes of buying more time to formulate my response.

"I told you. I have some resident stuff to take care of."

"Bullshit. Bella is crying on your bed with Angela. Is she okay? Is she hurt? What the hell happened, Eddie?"

Whoa, the explicative didn't catch my attention. No, he had to use my forbidden nickname. Other idiot friends of mine used that term to tease and torment. Emmett on the other hand only called me Eddie when he was truly serious and troubled as he was tonight.

"Look Em, I really can't get into it. Please understand." I placed my hand on his shoulder in a show of my complete sincerity. He nodded in understanding. Emmett was smart and intuitive. I could never understand how so many people underestimated him.

"Do you want me to get Alice or Rose?"

I couldn't help but squeeze his shoulder in a silent gesture of camaraderie. He, too, wanted to help, but I wasn't ready to let anyone else into the tiny circle of support that Angela and I had established outside the library.

"I don't think now is a good time." His face fell at my dismissal but I couldn't have that so I threw him a lifeline. "I will call you if I need anything. I promise" I proclaimed, giving his shoulder another masculine squeeze.

"Okay." He was resigned in slight defeat, but some how understood the gravity of the situation. This is why Emmett is such a good friend. He didn't push. He accepted, and he perpetually hung out in the background ready to jump if asked.

"I have to get back in there."

"It's okay. Go. I understand, Edward." It was his turn to grasp my shoulder. He sent me an encouraging smile before turning back down the hall.

"Oh, wait, Emmett, I have your CD. Give me a minute, and I'll get it for you."

"You can give it to me tomorrow. I can wait." And with that he vanished through the fire doors.

I entered my room to find the familiar scene Angela sitting on my bed with Bella's tear-leaking face resting in her lap again. Angela was holding the opened bottle of Fuji water I just bought, but its contents were still at the brim.

There was a flow of silent words that flowed between us. But because we were both too afraid to verbalize them out loud, Angela gently lifted Bella's head and placed under it one of my blue pillows. Bella let out a sigh of relief as she buried her face in my pillow. It reminded me of last night.

Angela gestured for us to move outside, but I was too leery of leaving Bella alone. As if telepathic, Angela left the door cracked as we entered the hall.

"Thank you so…" I started, but was cut off.

"Edward, Bella hasn't said anything to me. But I have picked up a lot in her actions. Last night, she freaked out at work, asking me to cover so she could leave early. Tonight, she's all upset because you perched yourself in the reserve section watching her."  
"I wasn't spying."

"I know you weren't. I heard what you said to her outside of the library. The point is, she has been holding something in and it's really starting to scare me. The way she left work yesterday was not right, and if I weren't working tonight, I would have been in the reserve section too.

I didn't voice my own concerns but nodded, letting Angela know we were on the same path.

"I could take her back to my room. But I think she should stay here."

"But she didn't want to go to her room."

"I know. I think she should stay here…with you."

"Huh?"

"Edward, Bella feels safe with you and right now that is what she needs. She needs that more than a sleepover with me."

"I'm not really sure about that," I admitted to Angela. "You were the one who was comforting her. I really think she would be more at ease with you." I tried blurring the underlining truth to my statement. There was no way I was going to tell Angela that Bella might not want to be in a room, alone, with a guy, on a bed, behind a door.

"Sometimes it is better to have someone near you that you're not close to." She paused, seeming to choose her next words carefully. "You tend to be more honest when it isn't your best friend. Does that make sense?"

Strangely enough, what Angela said did make sense. Why else do bartenders know the personal lives of their patrons and people share intimate secrets in a chat room but not with their families.

On one side, I was in awe at Angela's intuitiveness. The other side was scared shitless because she was entrusting me with Bella. She had been in such command of the evening that I felt like the leader was abandoning the troops.

"Just let me know how it goes," she requested, driving the final nail in.

"Wait? You can't just leave." I began a true girly mini-panic attack. "You should stay for a bit. At least say good-bye to Bella." Did I actually possess a whiny bitch voice?

Angela leaned close and gave me a hug. It was quick and strong, but most importantly reassuring. "You're going to be fine. If you need anything, just call." She handed me a piece of paper with scribbled numbers on it. "Tell Bella I'll see her in the morning." She then followed the same path outlined by Emmett and was soon gone.

I honestly wanted to meld with the hall paint and forget what was behind door number one. But I couldn't. I refused. And so I turned the knob and entered.

Bella hadn't really moved except to cradle my pillow to her head instead of just lay on it. She was holding it with all her strength, and the sight made my limbs move without conscious thought.

I was by her side, kneeling, my hand was softly stroking her hair in a meager attempt to imitate Angela. Her eyes closed at my touch and her sweet breath washed over me.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked, continuing my ministrations.

"Please stay." Her voice was so weak. I could feel my eyes start to sting from the salt infiltrating my orbs.

"I'm not leaving." It was with extreme effort that my voice was steady.

Moments passed. The wall clock my uncle had gotten me was a metronome of time, words unspoken, chances passed.

420 clicks. "Will you lie with me?"

After 120 clicks, I replied, "Yes." I crawled over her, as she was closest to the outer edge. I made sure there was clearance between our bodies before settling hard against the wall, terrified of what the contact could trigger.

60 clicks and she reached her hand back and found mine, bringing it across her waist to be cradled to her chest, folded under her arm. Her one hand was nestling her head, the other pulled mine towards her heart.

40 clicks before she emitted a burden laden sigh. I couldn't help but pull her closer to me.

20 clicks and she spoke again. "Edward."

I held my breath, waiting, until her soft whisper broke the silence.

"I was raped."

She said it.

She said the words.

She said those words.

My mind raced as the verbal impulses of my brain connected to the muscular neurotransmitters and I literally felt myself drowning. There was no water and air still surrounded me, but the urge to twitch, to grasp, to struggle towards the surface was so completely overwhelming that I felt if I didn't give in to these needs and urges, I would die.

But then a sniff and a breath and a shudder of a warm body so tightly pressed to mine brought me focus and suddenly I didn't need air anymore. Because it was more important for the being next to me to never know my internal screams and struggles.

Angela said she needed to feel safe. I needed her to feel safe, and against every instinct and nerve and thought in my body, I held fast and did not waver, gasp or even flinch when those words were uttered.

I let them hang in the air for a moment or two, 120 clicks to be precise, before my brain even fired a synapse allowing my limbs to move. And then all my muscles did was pull her closer to me.

Her confession brought back the sobbing torrent of tears, but I was focusing on the metronomic clock and soon, with time, her breaths fell in synch with mine.

When enough time had passed, when I was hopeful that anything I did or said would be beneficial and not detrimental, I spoke. Not words of reassurance or helpfulness. I didn't quote from a poem or even the bible. These were four words not ones you'd expect, but still so utterly important.

"You are still beautiful," I whispered into her ear.

Her clutch on my hand became painful as she curled herself under my arm, almost burying herself underneath me. Her cries returned, but there was almost a sense of relief in the rhythm of her sobs. It was like she was relieved to say the words and find the right reply.

And so she cried. She cried and shuddered and purged. And finally when she had nothing else to give, she passed into sleep. And I just held her never, ever wanting to let her go.

A/N First of all, thank you goddess of Beta's Twilightzoner and huge hugs and shouts to all you awesome readers and reviewers. I'm not known for always replying to your great reviews, but I read, reread, and re-reread them. They help so much when I'm stuck or having a tough day. So thank you.

now go forth and review.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N To all my awesome readers and reviews. I'm sorry this took so long, but I think it was well worth the wait and as a special treat I am almost done with the next chappy, so keep an eye out. Also, stephenie meyers owns these characters.

Bella woke up some time after five in the morning. She wanted to go home, briefly explaining her need for comfy clothes and her own blankets. My idiot mouth almost told her she was home. But my male ego said to put a sock in it.

I understood. There were countless times after my one night stands that I longed for the comforts of my room. Interesting enough, Bella was the first person to spend the night here with me. I was anal about not bringing my sex partners back to my place. It was my space, my bed. I really didn't want any of my sexual exploits tainting my sanctuary.

As the door closed behind her, I couldn't help but feel the void she left in her absence. Having her in my room was nice. It was more than nice. It was like she just fit within all my belongings and personal possessions. And now that she was gone, there was this hollowness around me.

Alone again, it would have been a perfect opportunity to put my 'comfy' clothes on, but I didn't. My shirt smelled like a strawberry patch and was still warm from her body. I grabbed a spare pillow out of my closet and used that for my head. I then pulled the blanket back around me and cuddled the pillow we shared to my chest, taking deep inhaling breaths of Bella's sweet scent

I don't know how long I lay there. I was so content to have her in my arms that snuggling with a pillow was a total letdown. I tried to sleep, dreaming of her soft hands clenching mine, mimicking the deep breaths she took while sleeping. I waited for my eyes to grow heavy, but they never did. Sleep was eluding me.

As I focused on the way she perfectly curled into my body, my imagination started down a very dark road. My mind soon became stuck on spin cycle and I couldn't find the off button. Who did it? Was it someone on campus? When did it happen? Shit, that's a pretty obvious answer. Had to be Monday night. Where did it happen? Was any protection used? My stomach lurched at that thought and I had to swallow back down the bile. Oh God, I can't go _there_. _I will not go there now_.

Was she drunk? Was he drunk? Was. Was. Was. The list of questions went on and on. No wonder Esme had a job.

There was so much I could think about, dwell on, and agonize over. If this was what my mind was doing to me, I couldn't even imagine what was going through Bella's head.

I grabbed my IPod, hoping music would silence my brain. It too failed. I actually became more frustrated flipping through my playlist, unsatisfied with everything that came across the earphones. Nothing was working and I could feel the kinetic energy pulsing through my muscles.

Unable to take it any more, I changed into shorts and a pull over and put my sneakers on. I was never overly athletic or obsessed with weightlifting like Emmett, but I always enjoyed a run. And right now I could run the Boston Marathon with the pent up energy flowing inside me. I was just about to pocket my IPod, when thought better of it. If music didn't help me 10 minutes ago, it wasn't going to help me 10 minutes from now.

Oddly enough, I waited until I was across campus to the outdoor track stadium before I started running. The walk over gave me time to acclimate to the cold morning air. It was still dark with some security lights illuminating the track. I could see the faint line of day in the east. The sky was clear and the stars were still bright. They reminded me of stubborn birthday candles that won't go out. Only when your breath is right above them, will they finally submit. The stars were being as persistent as the nagging questions in my head.

Of course I was the only one on the track. Who else would be out here at 6 in the morning? I set my pace slow at first, letting my legs and lungs adjust. By the second lap I was at a good clip and I finally let my mind go free. My legs began to burn and the initial side cramp that always appears at the onset of a run had dissipated. The air was silent except for my even pants and rhythmic footfalls. I couldn't shut off my thoughts. I couldn't contain my imagination, but I could run it out of my system, at least temporarily.

With each pound of the pavement I pushed through the myriad of emotions and questions and insecurities that plagued me since Bella left my room. Did I do the right thing? Did I say the right words? Did I really help or only make things worse? I couldn't help the doubt that was starting to hang over me creating a heavy feeling in my chest. It was so important to do the right thing, but how do I even know what that is. Maybe I need to have another talk with Esme. I'm pretty sure though if I want back to her, she would enact some family torture technique to get me to reveal Bella's name. I was not ready to do that.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't even realize I was no longer alone. Somewhere after my 7th lap, Emmett had joined me. Silently he paced me and together we just ran.

The sky was light and the sun was just breaking when we stopped. Walking around the track cooling down, Emmett finally broke the stillness. "How is she doing?"

Physically and mentally exhausted, I laid my cards out on the table, "I don't know."

Emmett didn't question, he just gripped my shoulder in understanding. It was moments like this that I truly appreciated him as a friend.

"I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing?" I said after a moment. Emmett gave me another squeeze before releasing my arm. I felt a sense of relief that comes from just having someone truly listen.

"Just be there," Emmett finally replied. "Look. I don't know what's going on and I'm not gonna pry. But the best thing you can do is just be there for her, no matter what she wants."

"What you're a psychologist now?" I teased, unsuccessfully trying to lighten the mood.

"No. I just… I know where you're at. I've been there before. Trying to help someone who was going through a really shitty time. It's not easy and it sucks. The only thing you can really do is just listen and accept and. Well. Just be there," Emmett reassured me. I didn't need to look at his face to grasp his sincerity. It was written all over his body language and laced in his words.

I suddenly felt the weight of Bella's secret shift within me. I may be the only one who knows the truth, but I'm no longer carrying this burden alone. Even through he didn't know, Emmett understood. And that said volumes to me.

"Thanks man," I said as I gave him a kind slap on the back. That was male speak for 'you're a good friend.' We headed back towards the dorm when the thought occurred to me. "What the fuck are you doing out here so early? Rose is going to be pissed if you conk out on her early tonight."

"I'm gonna take a nap after lunch."

I couldn't help but laugh. "You know, first comes naps, then you have to get dentures and pretty soon, you'll be needing a prescription for those little blue pills."

"Fuck Off! Mister I have my own stock pile of penicillin for all the dirt skanks you fucked last year," Emmett snapped before playfully punching me in the arm. Guys have such easy relationships. We can totally rag on each other and still be the best of friends.

Emmett followed me back to my room where I gave him his 'fucking Rosalie' cd. He almost punched me again when he saw those words scribbled on the disc. I laughed at his supposedly menacing glare and shoved him on his way, telling him to "have a nice nap." I swore he growled back at me before he left my hall.

I was just about to open my door when I realized with utter amazement how lighter I felt. The questions and concerns plaguing my mind before I left the dorm were still there, but they somehow seemed more manageable. They weren't as suffocating. It gave me some perspective and allowed me to concentrate on one thing at a time. And the most important thing right now was seeing Bella again.

After my biology lab, I headed to the cafeteria.

I entered the place and started my search. Thank goodness for small colleges. I couldn't imagine having to search through thousands of students for the brown haired beauty I sought. But I couldn't find her and was starting to feel self -conscience just gawking around the room. I grabbed some fajitas from the lunch line before weaving my way thru the tables. I was hoping I looked less obvious with a tray of food.

I saw Angela. I found Alice. But no Bella. Maybe she was late. It is a fairly common phenomenon with females. I started towards Alice because if Bella did show, she would sit with Alice. Unless she was still pissed over the little stunt Alice pulled yesterday. Actually, I still should have been upset with her too, but the lost look on her face made me feel guilty for my behavior yesterday. She was Bella's best friend and my close friend. I didn't really have any right to take my frustrations out on her. So I decided that some peace making was in order. She was looking around the room so I grabbed the seat next to her before she could object.

"Alice. I am really sorry for being such a prick yesterday. I didn't mean to bitch at you like that," I sputtered out quickly, internally bracing myself for retaliation. But Alice just stared at me, sizing up my sincerity. After a moment, she spoke.

"How is she doing?"

I think my mouth was hanging open with in confusion. I had expected to be scolded, yelled at, ignored, or even slapped. But I had no clue where this question came from.

"How is she doing, Edward?" She repeated, looking at me like I had two heads.

"Huh?"

"Ok. Let's start again. Slower this time so you can understand." She turned her body towards me as if she was addressing a child. I should have back-handed her. But that would have negated the purpose of apologizing.

"How is Bella doing this morning? I assumed you found her last night."

A shiver went up my spine at her uncanny intuition. "Wait. How the hell did you know that?"

"I just know."

_God damn cryptic pain in the ass._

"Look. After you got all cave-man on me yesterday, I knew you wouldn't let it go until you talked to her. So I'm guessing that you ran around campus looking for her. You must have found her because she didn't go back to her dorm last night."

"God, Alice. Are you fucking spying on me or something?"

"I prefer 'or something'," she smirked, her facial feature snarky for a moment before turning soft. "Edward. You were right yesterday. I was being too pushy with Bella. If you haven't noticed I'm not a really patient person and it was making me a little crazy seeing her all bottled up like that. So I did something stupid. I pushed her buttons."

I stared at her and remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

"Two things were either going to happen. One. Bella would have told me what was going on when I cornered her or, two, she would have told me later when I showed up at her room last night to apologize. I honestly didn't know her arm was bruised or I would never have grabbed her."

"But you being there put option three into play. Giving me a good bitch slapping and knowing that Bella was pissed at you, I knew you would just have to go after her to explain."

"I'm assuming because she didn't go home last night and you aren't frantically searching for her now, that you found her and that she may have talked to you. So back to my original question. How is she doing?"

Holy shit.

I should have been pissed. Royally pissed that she was playing mind games with Bella and I, but I couldn't bring myself to feel that emotion. I knew Alice had an freaky knack of understanding people, especially her friends, but she is a mentalistic genius. She should have followers bowing down to her along with her one 1-900 psychic hotline.

"I think she's doing okay," I said when I found my voice again. "She left pretty early. Wait. How did you know she wasn't in her room?"

"I stopped by there last night."

"Maybe she was just avoiding you." I couldn't resist getting some verbal slap in. I did have some pride left.

"Dork. She wasn't in her room. I checked."

"How?"

"I copied her key."

"Alice!!"

"What? It's not like you aren't still carrying around that master key. Now I don't have to rely on your lazy R.A. ass to get in her room."

"Alice, that is so wrong."

"What are you going to do? Tell the R.A." With that she threw a crumpled napkin at me.

"No. I'll just tell Bella." If this were a game of chess, I would have called "check."

"Go ahead. I'm sure she would love to know you have a key to her room too."

"She already knows."

At this bit of information, Alice choked on her drink. I wanted to yell "checkmate" to her smug little face. Instead I did an internal happy dance.

She turned to me with a look that at first was shock, then amusement and then devious. Shit. This just became a whole other game. I only had two choices, damage control or redirection. I chose the latter.

"Have you talked to her this morning?"

"Yeah. I apologized to her. She forgave me for being such a bitch yesterday, but I knew she would. She seemed a little better. I told her I would always be there if she needed to talk, but that I wouldn't push her anymore."

"If you saw her this morning then why the hell were you asking me how she was doing?"

"I wanted to find out what you knew. You must have realized by now that how she talks to you is different from how she talks to me."

"Alice, You're not going to get into this shit again about Bella liking me freshman year. That was four years ago. A lot has changed."

"Yeah, and some things never change," she grinned. Damn she was really starting to piss me off.

"Well smart ass, if you and her talked this morning and just came from class together, why didn't she join you for lunch?"

Alice's face turned somber again. "I honestly don't know. We were actually in line, when she suddenly bolted saying something about needing to get a book from her room. Did she know you were going to be here for lunch?"

"Yeah, I mentioned it before she left.

"Can I ask you something, Edward?"

I nodded my head as Alice turned her entire body towards me. Her posture stiffened and I could feel a serious discussion approaching. "Do you like Bella?"

Wow. Alice is just full of surprises today.

I sat there quietly, thinking, grateful for the silence Alice gave me. Did I like Bella? Yes. Of course I liked her. We had been friends before all this happened. Thinking back, we shared some great times before junior year. But I know this was not really the question Alice was asking me.

"Why are you asking, Alice?"

I wasn't trying to be evasive, just trying to understand what she was really getting at. It was a loaded question. Women don't just ask pointed questions without a reason.

"I don't want you to hurt her." My mental defensive shield went up immediately at the insinuation that I could ever hurt Bella. Alice took my hand to reassure me I didn't need to get defensive and I began to see the road she was taking me on.

"She's been hurt and she is precious to me. I don't want you to confuse her with some damsel in distress that needs saving. She doesn't need to be saved. She needs to be loved. She deserves it. So I'm asking. Do you like Bella? I hope you do. I think you do. But I just want to make sure you like her for the right reasons."

I knew I liked Bella. She was a great person, but did I like her for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. I wanted to be there and comfort her. I wanted her to lean on me as she had last night. I wanted to help her. I felt like I needed to help her. I was drawn to her. But why?

As I sat there, thinking over the last few days and my desires to reach out to this beautiful creature, I began reminiscing about older memories of Bella. Ones that weren't tainted by recent horrific events.

The two of us throwing popcorn at Alice and Jasper when we all went to the movies together. Listening to her talk with such passion about classic novels. She once recited lines from Romeo and Juliet from memory. The way she blushed when she fell up the escalator the one time we all went shopping. The more I thought about it, the more memories came flooding back to me. The way she looked after her friends. The time I caught her lying under a maple tree, watching the autumn leaves flutter to the ground around her. She fascinated me then, but I never thought of her as anything more than a friend. But not she totally captivated me. I no longer wanted to rescue her or save her. I just wanted to be around her. What happened to Bella wasn't the reason I was enamored with her. It was only a catalyst; bring her to the forefront of my mind and now my heart.

"Yes, Alice. I do. And I'm not going to hurt her."

"Good. Because I would seriously have to kick your ass."

I couldn't help but laugh at her comment. "Yeah, you and what army, pip squeak."

"You'd be surprised, my dear Edward. You'd be surprised." At that, she placed her garbage on her tray and grabbed her coat. Noting she was getting ready to leave, I looked at my watch. 10 minutes before class. 10 minutes before I saw Bella. 10 minutes too long when you've just realized that the person you want to see, is no longer just a friend in your eyes.

I grabbed my bag, dumped my trash and said good-bye to Alice. All she did was give me a huge smile.

A/N I haven't gotten my Review stamp yet, so I"ll just have to repetatively type it. Review Review Review.

I know you guys can push me past the 150 review mark, because I have awesome readers.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N I wish I had a witty rhyme to give. The most I could ask is that Stephenie forgives. Because without her wonderful literary players to mimic, I would have long given up on this writing gimmic.

On the walk over to class, my mind and body were on turbo drive. Not third, fourth, or fifth. No, my legs had their own fucking gear with a nitrous button that would put Vin Diesel to shame. The only problem was that the faster my body moved, the more my emotional brain tried to get the fucking emergency brake to work. This was crazy, but this felt right. I liked Bella. Okay, I really liked Bella. But how that hell do you care for someone who has been *&^$. Damn, I can't even say the word right now.

I knew she accepted my friendship. She came to listen to me play at night. She laughed a dozen times for me a few days ago. But that's where the line was drawn. Even her sleeping next to me last night, that boundary was never crossed.

I don't think she would, could, ever put her faith in a man again, even if that man, person, friend was me. How could she? I just had to take whatever I could get. I would give her my shoulder, my hand, my music. I would take anything she offered and reconcile what she couldn't. I would live with that. I would work at living for that, because maybe someday something would change and I wouldn't have to wait forever.

I mean how long does it take for a victim to want to be with another male.

Holy Shit. Fucking A. Did I just really let that thought enter my brain? Christ. What a fucking ass of a person to even think that thought. Maybe Emmett could clock me a good one as some sort of penance.

She would take as long as she needed. And I would just be there for her.

I was now outside the building now. Waiting. Thinking. Having imaginary conversations in my head of what I would say to Bella once I saw her. Damn Alice for meddling with my emotions and pointing out the obvious. These new feelings coursing through me were so different and terrifyingly foreign. Now my head was spinning, my stomach was in turmoil, and my coordination must be tied to my brain function because I fucking tripped and almost landed on my ass outside the building. The gods must be on my side, no one saw me almost make an ass of myself.

Five minutes of standing like an idiot outside the building, I had given up and entered the building to go to class. If hanging outside the building was bad enough, entrenching myself outside the classroom door was even more humiliating. Can anyone say demented stalker. I received 3 freaky stares from girls and 2 menacing looks from two guys who I assumed were on the wrestling team. They were fucking huge. Thank goodness, Emmett is on my side. Well he would be unless I confessed my impure thoughts of Bella. The professor was coming up behind them and I had no choice but to enter the room. The teacher followed me in closing the door with a click

Fuck. Shit. My hope sank to the bottom of my stomach. Bella wasn't coming to class.

My mind started again with a whirlwind of questions, this time focusing on everything I said and did that pertained to last night. Bella was never one to skip class. She didn't skip government with Alice, even though they had a blow out yesterday. My self-confidence was bottoming out. Her skipping class. Her avoiding me at lunch even though I told her I'd see her there. Her leaving my room at the crack of dawn. Being self-centered as all men are, I couldn't help feeling like I did something wrong. And this feeling was so much more depressing after my enlightening confession to Alice.

My mind was consumed and again I wasn't watching where I was going, resulting with my knee plowing into an empty desk. What the hell happened to my coordination?

Snickers from my classmates would have embarrassed me, but my thoughts were elsewhere. It was then as I looked around in embarrassment that I saw her. Bella was already in the class, having taken a seat in the far back corner. My heart jumped in my chest. I waited for her to return it. Maybe another game of how many times can I make her smile. But something was wrong and there was no smile. She didn't even look at me.

I couldn't help looking at her though. Her eyes were abnormally wide as she started at the book in front of her. And her face was extremely pale. It triggered a vague memory. But before I could send her a questioning look, her head dropped down, causing her long hair to fall towards, completely obscuring my view.

Something was wrong and I began racking my brain to figure it out. I took a seat two row across from her, in hopes that I would be able to see her eyes again. But when I couldn't see her face I put my analytical male brain to work.

Was she mad when she left this morning? No, she seemed fine. But then there was that word again _fine_, so I dropped that question off my mental list.

Did her talk with Alice not go well? No. Alice outright told me that she talked to Bella and that things were better between them.

I shot her another glance, hoping for some clue.

Then it happened. I got it. For a split second I caught her looking back at me. The wide eyes and translucent complexion. Even her lips were pale as if she was sick. My heart twisted. It was the same expression she had the morning Alice and I barged in her room. It was a complete look of humiliation but twinged with…with something else.

There could only be one cause, one reason. And fuck. It did revolve around me. She left my room early this morning. She skipped lunch because I said I would be there. She showed up to class early, just to avoid me.

But why? Why? Why? Why?

Did I say something wrong last night? Was I, to use Alice's words, too pushy. Did I make things worse for her? God, I slept next to her with my arms around her. That alone could have brought up a hundred reasons why she couldn't even look at me.

My rational side tried to reason that last bit of information with my over-emotional side. She asked me to lie next to her. She was the one that took my hand.

If I were a cartoon, I would have a devil on one shoulder, an angel on that other. The devil would be shouting hoorah in an Al Pacino voice for sleeping next to a beautiful girl. The angel would be hitting me with a cast iron skillet for taking advantage of such a vulnerable person. Fucking A. I was really starting to hate philosophy. Id, Ego, Ying Yang. What the hell happened to simplicity? This is the whole reason why men are so confused by women. Women are born with a million switches to a million emotions and they are not labeled.

I could either tie myself into preverbal knots trying to come up with my own reason Bella was looked so embarrassed and shameful at me or I could do the total male thing and avoid her until she was ready to talk to me.

Okay. Crap.

Where do men come up with this shit? Avoiding the situation is just stupid. Fuck it. I decided to just ask her. How hard could it be?

For the remainder of class, I mentally practiced what I would say. I even wrote a few lines in my notebook. How pathetic is that? It shouldn't be this hard. It should be easy. It was easy up until last night. Finding the right words was harder now that I realized how I felt about Bella. She was upset, most likely at something I did and the last thing I wanted was to make it worse.

The teacher started talking about next class's assignment and I knew I only had moments. I took another glance at Bella and realized her things were already packed away and her bag slung over her shoulder. She was ready to bolt the minute class was over.

My assumption was right .The second the words "dismissed" came out of the professor's mouth, Bella was out the door. Screw it. I left my books and notes on the desk and took off after her. I wasn't going to waste time packing my shit up.

"Bella! Wait," I called after her. She was down the stairwell before the words were out. I pushed past students in an attempt to catch up with her. I knew once she got out the building, I'd be screwed.

Taking the steps two at a time, I reached the bottom level just in time to see Bella's backpack glide through a back door. "Bella. Please" I yelled again.

I ran at full steam and crashed through the door. I frantically searched the area in front of me but it was difficult. The sun was bright and my eyes needed time to adjust. I swept the area, looking for any sign of which direction she took. "Bella!"

I finally noticed something. There was something bulky laying on the ground partially obscured behind the trunk of a huge oak about 70 yards away. It was her backpack. I jogged over to the tree. A few steps away, still hidden behind it's massive size, I heard her muffled cries. My paced slowed and before I knew it, I was crouching on the ground in front of her.

Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she was gripping them for dear life. I couldn't see her face; her head was buried in her arms and covered by her long hair.

I reached to touch her arm, but she recoiled. Remembering how successful Alice was at forcing Bella to talk yesterday, I sat down across from her and just waited.

It was agony. Listening to her sobs and her difficulty in breathing between them. Her shoulder quivered and I notice her hands were turning white from the grip she had on her legs. I wanted so much to reach across the space between us, but I didn't think she could handle any contact yet. Truthfully, I didn't know if I could handle her flinching away from me again. Together we sat beneath the oak and let time pass us.

The wind was fluttering the tree above and every once in a while a leaf would tumble to the ground. If I were a poet I would say the tree was crying with Bella. Writers and poets have such a wonderful way with words and saying that would be very appropriate at a time like this. But I was neither and all I could offer was my presence.

"Why are you here, Edward?" She finally spoke but her head was still buried in her harms and her words were muffled. Not truly understanding her garble, I remained silent and prayed she would speak again.

She did, bringing her face parallel to mine. "Why are you here?

"Because I want to."

"Please don't," her voice pleaded.

"What?" I asked trying to understand.

"I need you to leave. I need you to stop looking at me. I can't handle you looking at me like that."

I was taken aback and hurt. She wanted me to go and for a split second I thought maybe that would be best. After all, this is what she wanted and I would do anything for her. I also wished I had a mirror because I had no idea what look was on my face.

But I couldn't. I couldn't leave her. "I don't want to... but she cut me off "How can you stand to be near me? How can you even look at me...after…" her voice broke and she buried her head again.

In my mind it was like finding the final puzzle piece and snapping it into place. Those few words she spoke were enough. And they gave me a big fucking clue. An indication as to why Bella was crying. Why she flinched from my touch. Why she had avoided me most of the day. Why she wanted me to leave. She confessed a deep dark horror to me and somehow believed that would change how I looked at her. It was starting to click. Like that damn clock in my room. She truly felt she was marked. That she was ruined. That people would see her only as a rape victim. That I would only see her as a victim.

My heart broke. It broke into a million pieces.

"I don't want to go anywhere, Bella. I want to be right here." I repeated, gauging her reaction. "I meant what I said last night. You're beautiful. And I can't really tell you about the look on my face because I don't have a mirror. Guys really don't carry around compact mirrors," I teased hoping to lighten the mood.

I didn't imagine it would make her cry harder, but she did. Her shoulder still shaking, but now her whole body trembled. It was too much for me to bear and I took a chance, laying my hand on her forearm. She didn't shy away this time, but brought her other hand on top of mine and squeezed. And there we sat, the short distance between us bridged by an arm and a hand.

When her sob deteriorated into sniffles, I took another chance to sit beside her, leaning together against the tree the ancient oak. My legs had begun to cramp from my previous position, but that was nothing compared to the shame that was ravaging Bella. Even with my adjustment, my hand never left her arm and her grip didn't lessen. In time, Bella even leaned her head against my shoulder.

I remember during my training as an R.A. being instructed on the usefulness of non-communicative techniques. A touch, a sigh, or simply silence could be more powerful then words. Today I experienced it. There were no words of comfort or encouragement. The most important thing I did, was say nothing at all.

"I can't handle your pity," she finally said.

"You don't have my pity."

"How can you have pity for me. Poor defenseless, and weak. How can you not see me differently now?"

"Because you're not really different." She was about to argue to I quickly continued. "Remember when we went out with Alice and Jasper a few weeks after they met. We were walking behind them laughing at them. The two of them were so pathetic, each moving their hand towards the others, but never actually making contact. They were trying to be so coy but the both of them were to chicken shit to make the first more. The way you laughed at their idiocy was precious. You did that two days ago when we were walking to class. It was the same laugh. You had a beautiful laugh then, and an even more gorgeous laugh now." I couldn't help but squeeze her hard tighter as the words flowed from my mouth.

"And I know what he did to you. I saw the bruises, the scratches, all the marks on your arms. You were not defenseless. He was just bigger.

"Aren't you going to say he was stronger too?"

"No. He wasn't stronger. You survived. That makes you stronger."

"Do you have a manual that you read from? Because the things that come out of your mouth never ceases to amaze me."

"Yeah. It's called the Idiot's Guide to Girls. That little tidbit was covered in chapter 5. Seriously though, my brain filter fails every time I'm around you."

A tiny twinkling of a laugh slipped through her lips. For me, the sound represented water to a man dying of thirst. I just sat there and drank it up.

"Are you going to be there tonight?" She asked, her head lowered to her previous position. She was nervous. No she was terrified. And her voice sounded so small and meek.

"I have to. It's this thing we do, where the brother pinning the girl has to have a best man. I get to give a tiny speech and everything." Another giggle erupted from her.

"You think they were actually getting married or something."

"If Emmett could. I think he would. But right now, it's really important for him to give Rosalie this special night." I paused, trying to find the right words for my next concern. "Are you going to go?"

But she didn't even need to answer. The look she gave me said everything. Her eyes bore into mine and I could feel the tension and apprehension, but most of all fear in her gaze. "I don't have a choice."

I realized over the last few days that I was getting to know Bella pretty well, but her desire to go to the pinning, be around the person who could have, might have, done this to her, was beyond my understanding.

"You don't have to go. I'm sure everyone would understand."

In an instant, Bella pulled away from me and gave me the full force of her brown eyes.

"Yeah, they'd understand," Bella snapped, bitterness tainting her voice. "They would totally understand why I would ditch the pinning of one of my best friends. That I would give up my part in a trivial ceremony we do and no one would even ask why. There would be no questions, conversations, and interventions. They would just totally let it slide."

"You know I would be cornered and it would be Alice leading the charge. I have to go. You don't understand." Her voice softening, the pleading becoming apparent again, "And tonight isn't about me. It's about Rosalie and Emmett. And this means the world to them. I can't let them down."

Her head nuzzled back into my shoulder.

The silence hung between us again. Her admission of not wanting to go to my fraternity house, gave more credibility to my theory. I wanted to know. I really needed to know who the fucker was, so I could beat the living shit out of him. Actually so we could beat the shit out of him. I had no doubts that when the truth came out, Emmett and Jasper would be right by my side.

But aside from this vengeful murderous need I felt, I was utterly caught off guard by Bella strength. She would endure the memories, possibly face the vile piece of shit that did this to her, because of her friends. She fascinated me. Captured me with her devotion. She was an enigma to me and now more than anything I wanted to be with her, around her, stay close to her.

I had no right to pull more information out of Bella when she wasn't ready. Patience. Everyone was telling me to have patience. Alice, Emmett, Esme. And all I could do was be patient. I didn't have a choice. I had listen and comfort and refrain from beating the shit out of this motherfucker. Patience. I fucking hated it. To regain some control of my emotions, I turned back to Bella.

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

"It depends." With that response, I knew I had to tread lightly.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No." The finality of her response left me no room for further silent moments passed between us. The quiet. The serenity. The comfort of her body close to mine, was… I don't think they have a word in the English dictionary for what was flowing between us.

Unfortunately something was gnawing at me and I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Why did you tell me?"

I expected her to pull away, become defensive again and upset. But she didn't move. Well she did, but only to stroke my fingers with her own.

"I don't really know. It's not like I planned it. I wanted to just forget it. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. Maybe if I pretended hard enough, I could convince myself that it was all a horrible nightmare. And then Alice started in with the Spanish inquisition, grabbing my arm, bringing attention to the bruises around my neck that I forgot to cover up and throwing that wonderful screaming fit that woke the whole dorm. I was so pissed. I was angry. I was angry with everyone. And I was so pissed at you. I thought you betrayed me."

"I was trying so hard to be so strong, but then you had to act like an ass in front of the library and say those things. The anger, the fear, the guilt and embarrassment were just too much. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't handle it. And when you brought me back to you room, I…I felt safe. For the first time I felt safe…protected."

"I wish I could always make you feel safe."

She didn't say anything, just nestled her head further into my shoulder. I was so absolutely drawn to her that I squeezed her closer to my chest.

_Take what you can get. Take what you can get._

I wanted to stay by that tree forever. Forget about the pinning, and the party, and all the drunken jackasses we'd have to clean up after when the party was over. I had to go to the pinning. Emmett had asked me to stand up with him and I wouldn't let him down but I'll be damned if I was going to stay for the party.

"Can I ask you a question?" Bella's timidly asked.

"Well that depends," I tried being playful. It helped ease the tension between us some more.

"What do you have to do for the pinning?"

"Well, good thing this isn't Mission Impossible, or I would have to kill you after I told you."

She playfully hit my arm. I loved it.

"I have to do a little thing for Emmett." I hesitated to ask her my next questions. "Would you help me with my part?" Her eyes widened and I sensed she was nervous. "It's really nothing. It would just really help me out. And since you and Rose are such good friends, it makes sense."

"Well are you going to tell me what I have to do?"

"Nah. I like keeping you on your toes. You're cute this way."

She blushed, and threw me a devilish grin.

I moved to get up, not wanting to leave, but inspiration had just and I didn't have much time to put my plan into place.

"Where are you going?" She called after me. But I was too impatient. I had a ton to do in little time, and my first stop in putting my plan into action would be to talk to Emmett.

A/N Sorry for the slight cliffy, but it will be worth the wait. As always, I love Twilightzoner. She is the best. Also check out my companion piece to this story called Stages: Bella's Journal.

It give a lot of insight into Bella's mind.

As always please review. they are the only things that keep me writing. actually they make me write faster so you get more chapter faster.......so get to it.

Bellabeth


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Hate me. Love me. It's all relative. I posted a version of this chapter a week ago, but realized it was shit. So with Twilightzoner, I have reworked it, and fixed it and added so much stuff and lemony likeness that you won't remember what I wrote before. Now I am happy and now I can share. Because you deserve better than a half ass attempt. And I have learned that it is okay to take your time to write a well written story then one that fits everyone else's times constraints. Stephenie owns all. I own a big red pen that TZ gave me. All I ask is that you forgive me.  
**

When I was little, I was in love with the ice cream truck. No matter where I was or what I was doing, the second I heard its ridiculous but compelling tune, I would run out of the house in pure anticipation. One time I even ran out of the house naked. I was four years old and don't remember it, but my mom repeated the incident enough for me to get a good mental picture.

It was like my mind heard the ice cream truck again. One minute I was sitting next to this beautiful girl and the next I was running off to find Emmett. I was so giddy and excited about making Bella feel better that I didn't even realize I had left her under the tree. It hit me about half way to the frat house. I just fucking ditched Bella because I wanted to find an ice cream truck, get her a creamsicle and make her smile.

I should have gone back. I could have gone back -- asked her if she wanted to have dinner before the pinning, maybe talk a little bit more about her helping me with my part of the ceremony for tonight. But I didn't. I felt too much like a moron. What the hell is wrong with me? I am such an idiot.

_Well, maybe I could make it up to her tonight._

I mentally repeated that several times in my head trying make myself feel better. By the time I found Emmett sitting in his room, roses, chocolates, and jewelry were floating in my head as perfect ways make Bella forget about my earlier abandonment. But Emmett was pale. And sweaty. And so fucking nervous that I remembered what this night was about… my best friend was giving his girl his pin.

"You look like you're going to puke?" I asked taking a seat next to him on the couch.

"Gee, aren't you all fucking observant and shit," he snorted back to me.

"Want a distraction?" I asked tentatively, unsure of how to proceed knowing I was probably being a self-centered ass for asking for his help.

"Shoot" he replied before releasing a nasty, rank belch.

I waved my arm around in a lame attempt to disperse the gastrointestinal fumes.

"Dude, What kind of shit are you growing in your stomach?"

He belched again this time blowing it directly in my face. I had to wait a few moments before I opened my mouth to speak.

"That nervous?"

"Thought you were going to distract me." With that, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

"I want to do something nice for Bella and I kind of need your help," I started.

"Okay. What do you have in mind?"

"Well…you know how… tonight…you're supposed to present Rosalie with…"

"Yeah," Emmett interrupted.

"Well I was thinking…that…"

"Fucking spit it out, Edward, or I'm gonna puke on you." That's Emmett, direct and to the point. I explained my little deviation from our typical ceremony that just happened to pop into my head.

"Damn. That's pretty romantic. I like it," Emmett crooned to me. "Thanks, bro."

"Why are you thanking me?"

"Because I'm glad I can help." And with that, he clapped me on the shoulder and turned on his stereo, signaling the end of this discussion. For several songs we just sat there in silence. His eyes were closed and if I had to guess, his thoughts were filled with tonight and Rosalie.

Not wanting to intrude anymore, I left. I also had to stop procrastinating. Now that Emmett was on board, I had to find Alice and I totally didn't want to talk to her. She'd ask questions and want to know what my feelings are. She'd also want to know why I wanted to do this tonight. It wasn't like I was going to tell her anything right now. Maybe I could just bribe her.

A few hours later, I had run my errands, ate a quick dinner with Jasper, and had successfully avoided the third degree with Alice once I discovered her weakness. It was painful sacrifice. I gave her unlimited use of my car for one weekend of her choosing. She was so excited that she didn't even think twice when I imposed a mileage limit. Once she agreed to help, I basically ran away. Her euphoric haze would soon evaporate, and I knew she would torture me. I never let anyone drive my car and here I was giving it to Alice because she was helping me help Bella. Talk about a declaration of my feelings.

I shouldn't have ran away from Alice though. I deserved to be interrogated. I should have let her do it instead of avoiding her. I haven't been really fair to Alice over the last few days. She loves Bella and I know she cares about me. Hell, she's the one that pushed me towards Bella in the first place. If I had to admit it, I'm scared to talk to Alice. She's perceptive and inquisitive and so trusting that I know I would eventually tell her everything. In a way I want to tell her, but I can't. Having Bella accuse me already of confiding in Alice was enough. I had to keep this to myself. I had to protect Bella.

I met up again with Emmett at the house. He was still slightly green but not as pale. He reminded me of a dead man walking even though I'm totally basing that on what I saw in the movies. Maybe he'd let me pinch his checks to give him some color. Scarlett O'Hara do that in Gone with the Wind.

"You know it's just a pin." I teased him.

He belched in response.

"Here, take this," I handed him a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Are you fucking crazy? Rosalie will have my head if I show up drunk."

"I didn't say empty it. Just take a pull, and here," I tossed Emmett a roll of Tums. He looked at the roll for a moment before taking a hearty swig from the bottle and popping a few Tums in his mouth. I quickly relieved him of the alcohol and handed it off to Jake, who appreciated the gesture by taking a few guzzles.

"Now. Feel better?" I asked Emmett.

"Yeah. But next time can you the fruity flavor. I hate this original shit," he said tossing the roll back to me.

Soon, things got busy. Jake barked orders on how we were going to march over to the girls' house. Ben handed out the torches and was just about to light them when someone reminded him we were still inside. No wonder the kid was clueless about Angela.

Once outside the flames began spreading among the tiki torches, and I had to admit it was a perfect night for our flaming parade. There were no clouds. The stars were shining. It was a clear, windless perfect night. The distance between our houses was around 300 yards, and at the half-way mark, we started singing.

We continued chanting our sweetheart song until we reached the front lawn of the sorority. The massive white house with its full front porch was ideal, and we were able to create two columns leading up the long walk to the porch stairs.

Once we were all situated, I knocked on the door. "Sisters of Omega Chi, the brothers of Sigma Tau request permission to speak to Miss Hale." I actually hated all this formal shit. But this was important to Rose. And therefore important to Emmett.

Normally a pledge or younger brother did this part. But Alice wouldn't have it. She wanted a front row seat to this event. Personally I think she wanted to observe me and Bella, because instinctively she knew I was avoiding talking to her. Just as expected, Alice was the one to open the door. A devilish smirk crossed her face.

"I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

Her ridiculous smile told me she was thoroughly enjoying this.

"The brothers of Sigma Tau would like to speak to your sister Rosalie Hale," I bellowed. A dog barked in the distance. God, I was making a fool of myself and Alice was enjoying every minute.

Noise erupted from inside the house -- squeals, giggles, and laughter. You could feel the vibrations of every sister stampeding to the front door. Alice pulled the door shut in self preservation, not theatrics. I could hear a rebel yell from inside the house telling everyone to shut it. A few seconds later the door knob was ripped from Alice's hand and Rosalie appear in the doorway. Her eyes searched desperately for the one person she expected to find on the porch. Alice grabbed her and pulled her to her side. The rest of the girls filed out of the door and lined up along the wide Victorian porch, all except for Bella. Alice had snagged her arm aligning Bella to Alice's vacant side. I couldn't help stare at the three of them perched in the center of the porch at the top of the stairs. One was excited, one was pretentious, and the last had no idea why she had been pulled center stage.

"Rosalie, there is someone who would like to speak with you," I said, making a sweeping motion to my right. At the end of our torch lit aisle, Emmett appeared, carrying flowers and a bottle of champaigne. All eyes were on him as he made his way towards Rosalie. It was a frickin' fairy tale. He reached the bottom of the porch stairs and paused before accending the five steps to Rosalie.

He didn't get past the third one. Alice, with her flair for dramatics, jumped down to his level, stopping him in his tracks. Rosalie's eyes widened in shock, but then relaxed. Angela put a hand on her shoulder, but Rosalie didn't need it. She may now know the game plan, but she trusted Alice. Instantly I felt guilty for avoiding Alice.

"Now. Now. Now. My dear brother of Sigma Tau. We love Rosalie very much and won't just hand her over without knowing what your intentions are?"

"My intentions are and always have been honorable where my dear Rose is concerned," Emmett declared. Several snickers erupted from the crowd, knowing full well what Emmett deemed honorable. Rosalie was loving every minute of it.

"To prove my worthiness, I offer you this bottle of champagne in honor of this celebration," Emmett proclaimed as he handed Alice a vintage bottle of Perrier Jouet Belle. Emmett had no idea what he was giving Alice, but she sure did. Her eyes just about jumped out of her head.. Alice would definitely relate to Rosalie the value of the bottle, and Emmett would get the reward.

"And to honor your house's traditions and beauty, I give you these flowers." Emmett presented the massive bouquet of white carnations right to Bella, who was utterly shocked and confused.

"Me?" she whispered, totally unsure of what Emmett was doing.

"You," Emmett reassured her. "Bella is beauty."

Bella took the blooms from Emmett and looked at him with such gratitude and warmth that my heart did a flip.

Without a word, Alice and Bella stepped off to the side and Emmett crossed the last two steps to Rosalie.

"I am in love with you. I always have been. You fit into all my missing pieces. Will you please wear this? Will you promise me forever?" Before Rosalie could answer, Emmett brought a white box from his pocket. Tears began to pool in her eyes as she opened the small box that Emmett presented to her.

Three things happened then: Rosalie gasped, Emmett dropped to one knee, And the box fell to the floor. Alice, always on her toes, grabbed the jewelry and placed it in Emmett hand, while everyone's mouths dropped open at the scene before them.

"This ring was given to my grandmother from my grandfather when they first started dating. She was the most beautiful girl in town, and even though they were too young to get married, he wanted everyone to know she was his. So he gave her this," he explained as he held of the small silver and sapphire ring to Rosalie. "The pin is for my present. The ring is for my past. I want my future to wear each of them."

With tears streaming down her cheeks, Rosalie extended her right hand and allowed Emmett to slip the ring on her finger. He then stood up and placed his pin right above her heart.

Rosalie sniffled. Emmett sniffled. Christ, I think everyone was sniffling.

The noise must have broken her trance, because Rose jumped into Emmett's arms and tried to devour his face. Cat calls, clapping, and a whistle here and there, broke the silence, and soon Emmett was guiding a radiant Rosalie down the torch lit aisle. As she passed, every brother extended a red rose to her. Buy the time they reached the road, Emmett was carrying some of the stems, as there were so many.

As everyone started to walk back to our house, I noticed Bella lingering on the porch, cradling the flowers to her face.

"I'm glad you like them. They're one of my favorite flowers," I said walking up the steps to her.

"You don't really fit the carnation loving type," she teased, her brown eyes sparkling in the porch light.

"My mom loves flowers. She turned most of our back yard into an arboretum. We always had fresh but flowers. I can wait for you if you want to put those inside?"

"No. I want to bring them." She turned to walk down the steps. I put my hand on the small of her back. It felt like a magnet was pulling me to her. She fit in nicely by my side as we made our way.

"Why did you pick carnations?" Bella questioned. I chanced a glance at her. Her head was lowered as she cradled the bouquet to her chest. Her long hair created a partial curtain between us. She seemed unsure and pensive. I wanted to grab her in my arms and crush those feelings away. Instead, I just answered her questions, with complete honesty.

"Carnations are strong. They've been around for centuries. They are the longest lasting fresh cut flower and they never lose a petal, unless it's plucked."

She didn't say anything when I was done with my floral word vomit. Maybe I said too much? Maybe I was speaking like a pansy? Our footfalls were the only sound, and with every step my stomach sank deeper into hell. Everyone else had already made it to the house.

I began to feel awkward and self-conscious for even opening my mouth and just as I was about to make some lame ass joke to break the tension she whispered in my ear, like she was sharing a cherished secret between the two of us.

"Thank you." Her breath washed over my check just before her soft moist lips made contact with my cheek. I hadn't even realized we had stopped walking. Her lips hovered for a moment above my skin, grazing the miniscule hairs along my jaw line. Our bodies were so close, I could feel the heat of her skin.

We were stuck, both frozen in the moment. Our bodies were not quite side by side or face to face. Her head and eyes were level with my chest. I wanted to tilt her chin upwards so I could see her eyes. I wanted to know what was going through her head. But I remained immobile, fearing that if I moved, this spell encompassing us would be broken. My skin still seared from her kiss.

"We should go in," Bella murmured. I distinctly got the impression that was the last thing she wanted to do. And just as I was going to respond otherwise, Jake yelled for us from the door to the house.

"Edward come on. Emmett is waiting for you."

His yell startled Bella, who's heel caught the edge of the curb. She started to tilt backwards, but my hand was still on her back. I pulled her to me and safety, crushing the carnations that she still clutched to her chest.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just feeling clumsier than usual." She still wasn't looking at me, and just as I reached to pull her chin up, she turned away from me. "We should go."

She sounded defeated, but pulled her shoulders back in a confident facade. I was reminded of our conversation under the tree and in an effort to help, I slipped my hand into hers and together we walked into the house. She squeezed my fingers when we crossed the threshold.

"So what do you have to do?"

"I have to give a toast and swear to kick Emmett's ass if he fucks around on Rosalie," I replied trying to lighten the atmosphere between us.

"I think Rose would beat you to it," she smiled. It was small but genuine.

The lounge was packed and everyone had a drink. Jake motioned me to the middle of the room where Emmett and Rosalie were. Bringing Bella with me, I found a spot next to Emmett, just as Jake began to speak.

"First of all, Emmett, you just screwed the rest of us with that pinning. Now, all the girls will be expecting rings and flowers and romantic shit. So I just wanted to say thanks a fucking lot."

The whole room vibrated with laughter. I squeezed the delicate hand in mine as fleeting imagines of pinning Bella popped in my head.

"Next. Who here will stand up for Emmett? Make sure his body parts don't stray and vow to beat the shit out of him if he ever screws around on this beautiful girl."

"I will…" I announced. "But I think Rose would do more damage." More laughter, this time Bella's giggles floated to my ears. I looked at her and was relieved to find her blushing and relaxed. The last few moments having eased whatever trepidation she had felt earlier outside.

"Now. Who here will stand up for Rosalie? Making sure she doesn't abuse and torment our brother and will reminder her that he can be quite the romantic, even if he's acting like an ogre most of the time?

It was quiet and I suddenly remembered I was supposed to tell Bella about this part. Shit.

"Bella, will you stand up with me?" Rosalie jumped in. Emmett must have told her about this on the walk over.

Bella was now three shades of red and her glorious brown eyes were shining. Normally she would shy away from attention, and boy did she have everyone's attention now. I was discovering though, for her friends, Bella would do anything. And as she told me this afternoon, tonight was for her friends.

"Yes. I'll remind you what a great sap of a boyfriend you have." Laughter erupted again and this time Emmett was blushing too.

"Now in order to bind this pledge of yours, you all must all drink from the sacred chalice," Jake announced as a pledge brought over a large pewter goblet that was already filled with God knows what. Seeing that Emmett picked it, he was handed the goblet first.

After a healthy gulp, he passed it to Rosalie, who tentatively sniffed the liquid. Her face turned sour but she dutifully took a sip before handing it to me. I brought it to my lips and let the harsh liquid flow down my throat. Now I knew why she had the sour look. Jagermeister wasn't my favorite either.

"Its Jager," I informed Bella, giving her a heads up. She took a swift gulp. Her face puckered as she swallowed. I wished I had a camera. Even with her nose scrunched up she was beautiful.

Cheers broke out along with a few whistles. I looked over, and Emmett had Rosalie bent backwards as he ferociously attacked her lips. When they came up for air, Alice and Jasper were with us, giving hugs and words of congratulations. Still holding Bella's hand, I leaned over and gave Rosalie a hug.

"Keep an eye on her okay?" she asked quietly in my ear.

I looked at her questioningly, suddenly wondering what she knew or was thinking. I didn't get a chance to ask, because Bella's hand was tugged away as Emmett gave her a bone crushing hug. Her face was bright and happy but when he released her, she stumbled and all the color drained from her face. She was staring oddly over Emmett's shoulder. Alice was in my way, but Jasper was behind her in an instant, steadying her. At his touch, her features softened and relaxed.

My stomach twisted and a memory came back to me -- the morning she woke up screaming. It was the look of terror on her face when she saw me. That was the same look she just had. Without thinking, I found her hand and began pulling her out the back door onto the deck.

Once we were outside, I was finally able to touch her chin and bring her eyes to mine. Some color had returned to her face, but her eyes were watery. She was nibbling on her bottom lip.

"Do you want to go home?"  
"I'm fine," she replied with absolutely no conviction. I was just about to take the option away from her and escort her home when Alice bounced through the back door, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie in tow.

"There you guys are. Here," Alice said handing me a cup. Bella got one, too. "We need a toast"

"More like we need to get rid of the lingering taste of Jager. I can't believe you picked that. What the fuck were you thinking?" Rosalie gave Emmett a playful slap.

"Hey I didn't pick it," Emmett tried to defend himself.

"Yeah, right, and I'm not a natural blonde."

"Okay. Before you guys share too much information, lets have a toast." Alice passed around a bottle of tequila she produced from thin air and waited for everyone to fill their cups.

"To Rose and Emmett!"

"To Rose and Emmett!" we all echoed. The four of us downed our shots. We were waiting for Rose and Emmett to drink when Emmett produced two slices of lemons and a shaker of salt.

"I only do body shots, so get over here, baby," Emmett growled at Rose. She took a wedge and the salt and motioned for Emmett to pick his spot. He eyed her thoroughly before kneeling and pulling her foot up to rest on his knee. He then raised her skirt just high enough so she wasn't flashing anyone and licked a spot on her inner thigh. Sprinkling some salt on her skin and placing the wedge on her knee, he licked, drank and sucked the whole slice into his mouth as his lips stayed in contact with her skin.

"That was the fucking sexiest thing I have ever seen," Jasper muttered. I had to agree. Alice and Bella just laughed.

"My turn," Rosalie smirked, taking the shaker back from Emmett. She then told him to bend over. She pulled the back of his shirt up so you could see curve of his lower back. With a lick, she moistened his skin and then sprinkled the salt. I could just picture Emmett's eyes bulging out of his head as her long hair brushed against his exposed hips. In one smooth motion, she lapped up the salt, threw back the tequila and then popped the wedge into her mouth and bit down on it letting the lemon juice trickle onto his skin.

"You two need to get a fucking room," Alice announced.

"I second that," Emmett smirked grabbing Rosalie and giving her a loud wet smack on her lips.

The music was now going full blast from the house. The stereo system Jake jacked up was causing the deck slats to vibrate.

"Oh, music. Come on girls. Lets hit the basement." Rhythm and Alice went hand in hand, so I wasn't surprised when Alice grabbed Bella's hand and dragged her back into the house with Rose right on their tail. Emmett followed them like a fucking puppy dog.

I would have stopped her. But that little display of body shots left me wanting some time to readjust.

"Things seem to be going good," Jasper speculated me as he was the only left outside. I looked his way and realized he purposely stayed behind.

"Huh?"

"You and Bella. Things seem to be going good," Jasper continued as I stared at the door where Bella disappeared.

"Yeah." I think my brain left the deck with Bella, as I couldn't form a complete sentence to respond to Jasper.

"Edward?" Jasper laid a hand on my shoulder, bringing my focus back to him. "Just take your time. Whatever is going on with her, I can tell she takes comfort in being around you."

"I know, Jazz… I know."

Jasper prodded me into the house without another word. For a moment, I thought the world has shifted, and I was in a different dimension, where Alice was psychic, Jasper was an empath and Rosalie was just plain scary. Twice in the span of twenty minutes I had been reminded that our friends were concerned about Bella, as well, and they trusted me to watch over her.

It's not like I hadn't already been doing it. But now there was a certain amount of pressure involved as well as, a kind of a safety net. They may not know what was really going on, but I knew they'd have my back. I'm not alone in this.

Everyone had pretty much moved to the basement to dance, so Jasper and I headed in that direction. As I passed the entry to the stairs, Paul hands Jasper and I a cup.

"What is this?" I ask.

"Fubar Juice," Paul replies. Instinctively I took a sip and realized there was enough fruit juice to mask an obscene amount of alcohol. Jasper didn't even take a sip. The look on my face told him all he needed to know.

"Who made it?"

"James."

"Make sure this is the last batch," I told Paul.

"Yeah. Sure," he replied, but the sneer on his face told me he's full of shit.

By the time we found the girls, their punch cups were empty

"Fuck," Jasper hissed. I understood his concern. A similar pang hit my stomach at the site of Bella's empty red cup. A silent communication passed between Jasper and I, signaling who would take the first watch. As Alice chose this moment to notice her boyfriend, he was up first. I slid back through the crowd and headed towards the bar. What better place to observe than the spot where everyone eventually comes.

Perched up on the bar I had a perfect view of Bella. Watching her was mesmerizing. Bella would close her eyes and her limbs would sway to the beat, her long hair swaying around her face and shoulders. Every once in a while, a strand would get caught in her eyes. She would sweep it away with a delicate gester. She was entranced by the music, her body momentarily fusing with the notes, its pulse slowly wiping out her memories and pain. It was such a subtle change. Anyone who didn't know the truth would never have caught it.

A few of the guys came over to talk, but I wasn't really paying attention. One or two even commented on my lack of party participation. I laughed it off, saying it had been a long week. I kept a steady eye on the group. Jasper and now Emmett were attempting to surround the girls. Bella was in the middle, and I couldn't help thinking that was intentional.

Soon more people were entering the house, bringing the house party into full swing. The tap was pouring. The lights were flashing. The music was cranked. I caught site of Angela and Jessica coming up to the bar for drinks. Embry filled their cups from a pitcher he pulled from under the bar. Four cups for two girls. My fucking RA senses started to tingle.

"What the hell are you serving," I yelled over to Embry.

"Punch," he replied, before filling another empty cup.

It quickly got so crowded I lost sight of Bella. I totally unnerved me. I had to relax. Friends surrounded her. She was safe.

For a moment, I thought about joining them not to watch over, but to participate, to use the music and dancing to be closer to Bella. I was just about to hop down from the bar when her words came back to haunt me.

"_How can you look at me…after…?"_

"_I can't handle your pity."_

And even though we covered that under the tree and the evening had turned around, I just hated the thought that I might remind her of ????. The music, the friends, even the alcohol had freed her for a time from that horrible memory. I swung my antsy feet and cracked my muscles. I did everything and anything to dispel the incredible desire to go to her because I dreaded what my presence would remind her of.

"Hello, Edward."

I turned towards the voice, seeing James sidling up to the bar.

"Glad you could finally make it," I snapped. Fucker skipped the pinning. Must have thought it was beneath him. It worked out for the best, though. Emmett and he had clashed a few too many times, sometimes so badly that it took a few people to break them up. Emmett is strong, but James fights dirty. I could just imagine James trying to fuck with Emmett before the pinning. I know he would have made a scene with Jasper being at the house, seeing that he's not a brother.

"Sorry about that. I was a little busy. At least I made it to the party." His snide tone made the hair on my arms bristle.

"Of course. We all know you can't pass up free alcohol."

"Don't forget the scenery, Edward," his hand gesturing out towards the dancing crowd. My stomach lurched at the thought.

"What. You and Victoria taking the night off?"

"No. She's actually upstairs. Just looking for some appetizers. Variety is good," he revealed before grabbing a bottle of vodka from under the bar and taking his leave.

"Fucking ass," I mumbled to myself. The more he talked, the more I hated him. Thank God I didn't live at the house. I'd have to fucking share a shower and shit where his ass touched. The less I saw of him, the better.

"Yo, Edward. You wanna beer?" Embry called from behind the bar.

"Naw. Just grab me a water bottle from the blue cooler."

Embry complied and tossed me the water. I didn't have anything more than the two shots earlier and a beer. I was glad. Knowing about the punch and listening to James made me incredibly edgy, and I wanted to keep an eye on him. Drinking the water, I decided I couldn't sit on the sidelines any longer. I hopped down and searched the crowd for Bella. Emmett and Rose were happily groping each other. Angela was now dancing with Ben, but Alice, Jasper and Bella were nowhere to be seen.

I figured they probably went out for some air and some quiet. The noise level in the basement was enough to make your ears ring for a week. I hopped down and started making my way through the crowd to the stairs. As I turned the corner, Alice plowed right into me.

"Have you seen Bella?" she asked before I could speak.

"What!"

"Have you seen her? She went off to use the bathroom and now I can't find her."

"Shit!" Panic started constricting my chest. I whipped my head around the basement. Emmett. Rosalie. Ben. Angela. Jake. Jessica. James. No Bella. "She's not down here. Where have you looked?"

"Bathroom. Front porch. Lounge.."

"Did you check the upstairs bathroom or the pool room? What about Emmett's room?"

"No." And with that Alice was off and up the stairs with me close on her heels. She didn't mention the back porch, so that was my first destination. Pushing through the small gathering in the lounge, I quickly passed through the back door.

The moon was out now, giving me a better view of the deck. I must have been loud rushing through the doors, because the person standing at the far end whipped around dropping her cup. With only the light from the moon, I knew that figure.

"Bella!" I called taking long strides towards her. She stared at me as I approached. Her breath hitched as I drew closer. There was enough light for me to see the wetness in her eyes and cheeks. She took the last few steps to me. Her body collided with mine, and before I could speak, her arms snaked around my neck pulling me to her waiting lips.

**Review Review Review, even if you're pissed that this chapter took so long.**

**Bella has a journal that goes with this fic. Check it out.**

**.net/s/4936743/1/Stages_Bellas_Journal**

**Total Teaser. Because I owe you guys and I promise not to take too long with the next chapter.**

**"Make me forget."  
"Bella. I can't."  
"Please."  
"I can't. It's not right."  
"You don't get it. I need you. I need this to be you."  
"Why?"  
"Because you are the only one. You are the only one to make it disappear. I don't smell him when you are this close. His touch vanishes under your fingertips. I want to forget. I need to forget. I need this to be you. I need a new memory. Please. Please. Give me a new memory."**

I hope you still love me...


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N SM owns these characters. **

She collided with me and my ideals collapsed under the weight of her kiss. It was hot and wet and soft and sensual and the minute her tongue invaded my mouth I lost all perceptions of time and space. My left hand found her hip. My right palmed the space between her shoulder blades.

There was no awkwardness. It was not frenzied. It was a dance. A tango where our lips and tongues and lungs moved in perfect synch. My pulse played the part of the percussion section, the breeze the woodwinds. The swaying tree limbs acted as conductor, providing us with background music to the most incredible and mind-blowing kiss I have ever experienced.

Her fingers knitted into my hair. I could feel her rise millimeter by millimeter as she stretched to her tiptoes. Without another thought, my arms wrapped tighter around her, the left leaving her hip for her hair, the right, almost digging in to her spine. I wanted… I needed to bring her heart as close to mine as possible.

She moaned. I reciprocated. The combined vibrations flowed through me. My tongue. My throat. My lungs. It faded once it passed my knees. The oxygen exhaling from her button nose was intoxicating, increasing my desire to engulf her further. It was seductive. Sensual. Perfect.

She tasted of brown sugar and honey and a suggestion of fruitiness. The combination our saliva blending together formed the most exquisite flavor imaginable. As my tongue savored this perfect wine, I noticed something vaguely familiar.

After a moment or two or ten something clicked and I deepened the kiss just to verify what my head was alluding to.

Sugar.

Honey.

Fruit

Fruity just like the Fubar drink Paul was passing out.

Shit. I moaned in disappointment.

Bella misinterpreted my vocalization and shifted her weight so that she was leaning into me. She grazed the right spot and caused just enough friction that my body responded instantly. An uncontrollable hiss rolled from my lips right into her mouth.

I was at war. My body, my heart, my lips wanted to push this further. To take every kiss and touch and whimper her soul gave me. I wanted to melt into her and forget where we were and the world around us. I wanted her. I wanted this so bad my whole fucking being ached and twisted with need.

But my brain. My God damn mother fucking brain sounded the retreat. Yelled for the troops, my lips, my tongue, and my other body parts to fall back. To part from her and force my lungs to take a deep breath in an effort to clear out the desire that overwhelmed me. But the fucking commanding general didn't factor in the lust filled air that only made my dick impossibly harder.

I leaned my forehead into hers. Her hair tickled the sensitive skin of my cheeks.

"Bella," I gasped, hoping. No praying. Making a bargain with God. I'd trade my soul right now for her to understand what I was doing without having to say the words.

"Please," she begged before planting hot kisses on the hollow of my neck, her wet lips leaving imprints of moisture and lipstick on skin and collar.

"Make me forget," she murmured.

_Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Fucking kill me now._

"Bella," I sighed into her hair. My hands moved up to her shoulders and softly caressed her arms. She buried her forehead into my shirt. I could feel a button press into my skin. I buried my nose in her hair while taking deep breaths of strawberry shampooed tresses. I was glad I couldn't see her eyes. I would have caved in an instant if I had to see her eyes. But I had to be strong. I could let this go further.

"Not like this. Not here. Not now."

She loosened her grip from my neck and slid her fingertips down my arms until they reached my hips, leaving tingles in their wake. For a moment, I thought she understood.

But then her fingers began caressing around my beltline and into my waistband, slowly extricating my shirt.

"I need this. Edward, I want you." Her voice was soft and so fucking sexy it was driving me insane. My resolve was holding on by a thread. A weak, pansy-assed, fucking thread.

"Bella. Please," I pleaded. Now I was the one begging. I needed her to understand. I didn't want to spell it out. No one likes the truth when they are drunk.

She raised her head up and pierced me with her eyes. They were glassy and wide.

"Why?" I asked, stalling.

"Because you are the only one. You are the only one that can make it disappear. I don't smell him when you are this close. I can't feel him when you touch me. I need to forget. I need a new memory. Give me a new memory."

Her voice was beseeching. Her eyes were hopeful. Her body was willing. And I didn't move.

This was Bella. Soft. Willing. Passionate. And totally intoxicated.

I stood there long enough for her to work my shirt out of my pants. Her fingers grazing the skin just above my hips were enough to snap me out of my trace.

"Bella. Stop." I grabbed her wrists to stop her and took a step back. My movement caused her to sway, but thankfully my hold on her arms helped her regain her footing. Confusion crossed her face, but it only lasted for a millisecond. I could feel her arm muscles flexing under my grip.

"Why?" she snapped.

In the back of my mind I could hear a bell chiming in warning. I should have listened, but I didn't.

"It just that…this isn't right," I reasoned.

"What's not right?" she asked as she wrenched her arms out of my grasp. Her actions caused her to again wobble. I tried to reach out to help, but her eyes told me not to even attempt it.

"I just think you've had too much to drink."

"I'm not drunk. And I know what I'm doing."

"Bella. This isn't right."

Her face contorted. At first I thought she was in pain, but then I realized something entirely different was happening. Holy shit. I swear a bolt of invisible lightening burst through the sky and Bella mutated before my eyes. That is the only explanation I could think of for the horrific transformation that turned Bella into the snarling creature before me. No longer was she soft and passionate and willing. She was now vicious and angry and scary.

"Why isn't this right? That's never stopped you before." Her voice was biting.

"What are you talking about?"

"Last year," she spit at me. "Last year, you fucked anything with two legs and a hole."

I knew my past actions could come back to bite a big chunk out of my ass. I just never in a million years thought Bella would be the one to do it.

Her words stung. No, they fucking pierced my flesh. It would have hurt less if she punched me. Damn. I wish she had punched me. This was far beyond anything I've ever I've ever felt. I could deal with physical pain. And from the ferocious look on her face, she wasn't done.

"Oh. Wait. This is because you don't like sloppy seconds?"

Her eyes were so vicious and feral that my gut reaction for self-preservation finally kicked in.

"You're drunk Bella. You know what you're talking about."

"The hell I don't. You just don't want me. You've fucked almost every twit on this campus, but you won't fuck me."

"Stop it, Bella!" I ran my hands through my hair, trying desperately to calm down. To revert back to the reality where we were just kissing and everything was perfect. I think I even spun in a tight circle physically trying to backtrack.

"You don't want me because I was rap…"

"Shut up. That has nothing to do with this. You don't know what you're talking about," I yelled at her. I couldn't help it. Her anger and words and the alcohol just collided in my brain and my lips formed the words before my common sense could interfere.

"Admit it. You don't want me."

"You don't know what I want. You're too drunk to even listen to me," I snapped back.

Her eyes, wide and unfocused, were now brimming with moisture. She drew a breath, a deep one. Her expanding lungs caused another shift in her equilibrium, and she wobbled in a desperate effort to regain her footing.

My arms twitched, longing to reach out to her, no matter how pissed off I was at the situation. But her eyes told me to keep my distance.

Anger coupled with humiliation was broadcast in the lines stretching from her clenched jaw. Hints of defeat were also visible. Her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides. Her breath coming in frantic gasps. Her lips quivered. Her eyes. Oh, her eyes. They screamed a thousand things and nothing at the same time. I knew they were brown, but right now they looked pitch black. She hissed at me and I couldn't help but tremble with defeat and despair.

Turning on her heel she took off for towards the door to the frat house. She wasn't graceful, but she was determined. And all I could do was stand in her wake wondering how the night had turned from heaven to hell in the span of a minute.

This was so wrong and so fucked up. I needed to stop her. She was drunk. And angry. She thought I didn't want her.

My heart split in pain. How could she think I didn't want her? How could she not know what her skin and lips and laughter and eyes did to me? How could she not see how captured I was by her and how much her storming away from me was tearing at my soul.

I had to stop her.

So I followed. I caught her just before the threshold to the house. I grabbed the crook of her elbow and turned her back to me. She spun around with her hand extended, and before I realized it, her palm smacked against my cheek. The sound of the slap hung in the air between us.

"Don't fucking touch me," she sneered at me. Her eyes were filled with a fury I had never seen before.

I released her elbow. I had no choice. I stood there dumb-founded and defeated as Bella charged into the house.

The emotions of the last several minutes welled up within me like a fucking tornado. Euphoria. Elation. Bliss. Confusion. Dread. Anger. Hopelessness. It was too much to grasp and to hard to confront. This wasn't TV. There was no rewind button.

"Shit!" I yelled as I curled my fist and hit the wood siding of the house. I hit it hard, but it didn't hurt. So I hit it again, grunting as my hand made contact with the wood. This time I felt a crunch and a sharp pain, but it still wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed to dull the incredible ache that was growing in my chest. I pulled my arm back for another swing when a hand grabbed it and twisted it behind my back.

"Stop it!" It was Jasper, and his voice and strength were enough to halt my self-mutilation. With great effort he maneuvered me to the farthest reaches of the deck.

"You don't understand," I yelled, struggling against his hold. I twisted and stomped to no avail. I felt like a kid, being yanked to the corner by an adult except Jasper had my wrist and not my ear.

My stomach hit the railing and he spun me around. The look on his face only reinforced the knowledge that I was at his mercy.

"Back off or y ou're going to make it worse."

"You don't understand," I repeated. "She thinks that…"

"Right now, Edward. You could tell her the moon shines out of her ass and she'd still spit in your face and call you a liar. You need to let her cool off."

I gave three more twists of my body to try and wiggle free, but the fight within me was waning. With each movement I realized it was futile. Jasper was right and so I surrendered, sinking onto the deck floor. Jasper took a seat next to me and waited.

"What am I going to do? This is so fucked up. I don't even know what happened," I lamented, staring out into the night. Jasper remained quiet for a while before finally speaking.

"Well, you might want to start by talking to her when she's sober."

"Ass," I sniped at him. He smirked back. His effort to lighten the mood was marginally effective.

A few more moment passed in silence.

"Listen. I overheard some of what she said," Jasper started, pausing to eye me carefully. I knew what he was referring to but I was mentally spent and couldn't find the energy to close the door on this particular conversation.

When I didn't comment he continued. "It's not common knowledge but I volunteer at the campus hotline. I took a call a few days ago. It was a girl. She told me she'd been raped. Some of the things she said…they were really close to some of the things Alice mentioned about Bella."

I snapped my head to attention and stared at Jasper. His eyes were solemn, his shoulders slumped and sad.

"Was it Bella?" I asked, desperate to know. I needed to hear every fact, every detail that involved her

"I honestly don't know. And even if I did you know I couldn't tell you," Jasper confessed. I knew he took other people's confidences very seriously, but at the same time I could see him struggle with his desire to share this burden.

I nodded in understanding It was the only thing I could do. It was the same reason I didn't share Bella's name with Esme. I wanted to. It would have been helpful, almost a relief to have "counselor Esme" by my side. But I couldn't. Just like Jasper couldn't. We were both stuck.

"It was the morning after you all were hanging out at the house. That was when she woke up screaming. Alice woke me up." I confessed while staring at my feet.

"I remember. Alice didn't want to spend the night at my place." Jasper acknowledged.

"She was terrified Jazz. That morning, even with Alice holding her. I've never seen anyone so petrified and shattered."

"Do you think it happened the night before?"

"I honestly don't know. I didn't see her come home. I can't tell you what happened after she left the house."

"She was still there when Alice and I left. I think it was a few hours later that Alice wanted to go home to her room. She get's nutty like that sometimes so I didn't argue. I just walked her home. I think it was around three in the morning. I didn't hear anything when I dropped Alice off."

"Rosalie mentioned Bella leaving a little after you guys.

"Did she walk home alone?"

"Yeah. Rose was pretty pissed at Emmett for letting her do that." I answered before relaying some of the information I gleaned from my lunch conversation with Rose and Emmett. Jasper seemed to be absorbing the information when he abruptly turned to me. His eyes wide.

"Edward. Alice mentioned that Bella had bruises. When did you notice them?" Jasper asked.

"Monday night," I said staring at Jasper, trying to figure out what he was getting at.

"I saw her with Alice Sunday morning. They were coming from the gym. She didn't have any bruises."

A light bulb, a lightening bolt and every other fucking metaphor for having an epiphany came crashing into us. I turned towards Jasper and he met my horrified expression with one of his own.

"The jam session at the house," we said in unison. A second later we were on our feet shocked by this new knowledge. The look on Jasper's face was so raw and pain filled that I had to look away. It hurt too much.

My stomach flipped and I had to choke back the bile that threatened to erupt and coat the deck at my feet. The nausea passed quickly, replaced by disgust and then rage. It was an absolute consuming fury that engulfed every cell in my body.

She was at my house. She was with my brothers. She was with people I knew for years. She was with guys I called friends.

She was here that night. She was here. Then she was raped. Then she was home. It occurred in that order. There was more to the puzzle. A fucking ton of missing pieces, like when, where, was it a brother or some random ass. Did it happen in the house or on the way home? Question after question. With each new query my temper approached critical mass.

I was shaking. My finger curled and my nails breaking the skin of my palms, my legs quivering. A hand with long fingers curled over my fist. Jasper's grip was strong. It was the only thing that stopped me from bolting into the party.

Jasper's head was hung low, his free hand furiously rubbing his hair back out of his eyes while the other squeezed mine. I didn't need to see his face to know what he was feeling. We were both feeling it. Although I doubt his rage was anywhere close to mine.

He finally stopped running his hand through his hair and turned towards me. "You can't go in there."

"Fuck off," I growled. There was no way I wasn't going to go in there. In there is where this all started. In there is where…

My body started to go numb with anger. Absolute irrepressible anger. The only thing keeping me from erupting was Jasper and his crushing hold on my arm. It was that tether that helped rein in my emotions enough to listen to him.

"Fifteen minutes ago Bella slapped you and told you to fuck off. She's drunk and you going after her is just going to make things worse. You need to let me get her out of there."

I fumed. I hissed. I didn't want to listen. I wanted to storm in there and throw Bella over my shoulder and take off with her. I wanted to save her. Because I wasn't there to save her that night and it took me too fucking long to figure out when and where this nightmare started.

But he was right. I had fucked up tonight. Bella was furious with me and even though I didn't understand it, I knew that approaching her would lead to disaster.

"I can't just sit here, Jasper."

"Give me five minutes," he stated. The tone of his voice left no room to argue. "I'll find her. I'll get Alice. We will make sure she is safe. Once she's with Alice, I'll come get you and you can follow us back to the dorm."

"Five minutes Jasper. That's all you get. If you don't have her in five, I'm going to get her and I don't care if she throws a fit. She's drunk and there is no way in hell I am leaving this house without her. I don't fucking care if she hates me." I stated.

Jasper nodded in understanding and then turned and strode into the house. The minute he crossed the threshold I started counting.

_One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three..._

There was no way I was going to wait five minutes, but I had to give Jasper a head start. As much as I hated it, and I did fucking hate it, I had to wait. Storming in there right now and grabbing Bella was not an option right now. Nor would beating the living shit out of everyone in the place who was there last Sunday.

I just had to wait. Give Jasper a little time.

I just had to be patient.

Fuck that.

I bolted into the house.

**A/N The truth is slowly coming out, but there are more twists in store for you awesome readers. Be sure to check out Bella's Journal in a few days for her next entry. It gives some clues as to why Bella's on the deck to begin with. **

**Again, thank you Thank you Thank you awesome readers, now show me some love. I love to read your reviews.**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N SM owns these characters but the story content and plot are mine and are not to be reproduced without my permission. It is sad that as authors we now have to do this.**

I marched through the lounge. She wasn't there. I checked down the hall towards the basement stairs. She wasn't lurking in the shadows. I turned the corner to head to the basement and ran right into Jasper.

"She's not down there," he quickly said.

Impulsively, I leaned to the side to get a look behind him because he had to be wrong. Bella had to be mysteriously hiding behind his six foot five frame.

"Alice is looking too," he added, like this tidbit of information would calm me. But it had the reverse affect and I wanted to scream.

She wasn't with Jasper. She wasn't with Alice. She obviously wasn't in the basement with the rest of the party-goers, because I knew Jasper would be thorough in his search. That left only a few other alternatives. She was still in the house or she had left the house. I silently prayed for the latter. Because if she was still here, she was under the same fucking roof as the shit-bag that raped her.

I heard Jasper swear behind me and I knew he was thinking the same thing.

I went back through the lounge futilely searching when my mind began playing tricks on me. Every Tom, Dick and Sally I now passed sported a labeled. My subconscious proactively stuck a fucking mental sticker on everyone in sight.

Pervert.

Slut.

Prude.

Gullible.

Dense

Dangerous.

Volitile

Victims and accused, innocent and guilty, were all around me. Caught briefly in my delusion I frightening realized that the geek next door, who was scared shitless of spiders would be a rapist.

It's like finding out the dad next door was arrested for pedophilia. You never imagined it. You never saw the signs, until your mom tells you that Mr. Jones was arrested for having kiddy porn on his laptop. And now everyone is under a microscope. Everyone is being watched. Because you really never know what an individual's demon looks like.

I turned on my heel and headed for the front door, praying to God that she left. If she wasn't here, then he wasn't near her. Jasper was still searching the room, as if she would magically appear but I wasn't going to wait for him to finish his mental inventory.

We always posted a sober brother at the door, and I know Omega Chi had sober sisters milling around keeping an eye on things too. If she had left, the percentages were high that she would go home. If not, I had an excuse to break down every fucking door in this place until I found her.

"Edward. Wait up" Jasper called after me. I didn't even respond. It would have wasted time. Sam was stationed at the front door along with his girl, Emily. Knowing he was sober brother gave me some solace. I've known Sam since freshman year. Emily too. I nicknamed him "old man" because I had never met a more responsible person in my life. Old man. That was his label now.

"Have you seen Bella?"

My approach must have alarmed the two of them because Sam and Emily immediately stood at attention.

"What happened?" Sam questioned.

"She left twenty minutes ago," Emily answered, probably more attune to the panic in my eyes.

"Alone?" I asked staring only at Emily.

"She was really upset. I asked Jake to walk her home."

I'm sure she had more to say. Sam even started questioning me with what, where, and why but I was already out the door.

The night air was still crisp. The stars were still out. It was a haunting reminder of that wondrous kiss. A century took place between then and now. It should be raining, or bitter cold, even cloudy, something atmospherically different to coincide with the radical change in events. Seeing the stars twinkling above me was just wrong.

With each step, I pushed myself harder as if that was even possible. I didn't quite understand my need, my desire. Well I understood some of it. Since I didn't know who the guilty ass was, Bella was only truly safe with me.

It wasn't like Jake screamed pervert to me. I actually knew him well enough not to be overly concerned. Besides, Emily and Sam both saw them leave together. If Bella appeared at all uncomfortable, I was certain they wouldn't have let her go with him. But then again Bella was drunk and pissed off. But that was mainly my fault. I'm the one that turned her down.

Oh. No.

Bella had wanted to forget and I said "no." Would Jacob also say "no" to a beautiful and willing Bella?

"Shit. Shit. Shit," I swore as I raced towards the dorm blood pounding through my veins and arteries. Aside from the thwack thwack of my shoes hitting the pavement, the only other sound was the woosh woosh flooding my ears.

My minds started conjuring all these images.

Jacob kissing Bella.

Bella pulling on Jacob's shirt.

Bella on her bed, her hair curling around her bare shoulders.

Me bursting in on them.

I found a reservoir of adrenaline I didn't know I possessed. I was becoming frantic, hysterical even. I reached the dorm, basically slamming into the door. I opened it with such force it smashed against the brick exterior.

The harsh fluorescent lights in the hallway assaulted me. It was quiet, and for some reason that amped up my anxiety. I wanted to hear noise, voices, a confrontation, or a struggle. Then I could come to her rescue. In a twisted way, that would have been better than the scenarios taunting me. Because quiet equated to willing. And I didn't want to find a willing Jake and Bella.

I turned the corner of our hall and caught sight of a figure leaning against the wall. I must have been loud because Jake's head snapped up. I should have felt instant relief as I made my approach. But I didn't.

"Where is she?" I demanded, storming right up to him. The look on his face was of pure shock. All the pent up angst I accumulated exploded within me and my body just reacted, shoving Jake hard.

"If you fucking touched her!" I growled raising my arms again to push him further down the hall, away from the door he was guarding. But before I could do it, strong hands clamped around my biceps and stilled my movement.

"Edward. Stop!" Jasper snapped in my ear. He was slightly out of breath.

"What the hell is your problem Edward?" Jake hissed.

"Where is she?" I demanded.

His eyes gave it away as they glanced at the door he was effectively guarding prior to my arrival. The girls bathroom. He didn't need to say anything. The noises coming from within were enough of an answer. The coughing. The repetitive flushing. The sound of stomach contents hitting toilet water. Jasper relaxed his grip as we all digested the situation. When a whimper passed through the door, I turned towards it only to be stopped by Jake, of all people.

"Dude. Give her some privacy."

My fist involuntarily clenched at the idea of him giving me etiquette lessons.

"He's right. You should just give her a moment," Jasper piped in. My head swiveled between the both of them, trying to figure out whom to hit first, Jake for stopping me or Jasper for agreeing with him. Jasper must have taken note of my behavior, because he moved in front of the door, the two of them effectively barring my access.

"Edward. Going in there right now will only make it worse. We are right outside the door if she needs anything. Besides, do you really want to get hit again?"

Jasper left virtually no loopholes in his assessment and the rational part of my mind knew he was right.

And I hated it. I hated standing on this side of the door when Bella was on the other. So I took it out on the person who plagued my brain as I ran over here.

"Why are you here?" I snapped towards Jake.

His eyes turned stone black, and I could see the veins popping out in his neck as his temper flared.

"I wanted to make sure she was all right."

"Bullshit. You wanted to tuck her in."

"Look. Assward, I was just helping her out. She was drunk and pissed and Sam and Emily asked me to walk her home. If you care so much, where the hell were you?"

Jasper reached out and placed a hand on my chest, knowing I was going to explode because Jake hit the nail on the head. I did truly care about Bella but I was the sole reason she was so upset. I had fucked up by doing the right thing.

"Shut up, Jake!"

"Oh. Did I hit a nerve? Are you the reason she was begging to go home?"

At his words Jasper took a step between us, keeping us from tearing at each in front of the girls' bathroom in the dead of night.

"Cut the shit, you guys," Jasper said, giving both of us the evil eye. Jake only got a glance. I got the full on glare.

The door to the bathroom opened slowly to reveal a pale and disheveled Bella. Her hair was matted and sweaty and tucked into the collar of her dress. I wanted to make some smart ass comment about the way she kept her hair out of the toilet, but figured now wasn't the time. I was right, because once her eyes caught mine, I could feel her anger reignite.

"Go the fuck away," she spit at me, leaning her body fully into the door. The three of us stood there like idiots, none having any idea how to handle the drunken mess in front of us. I don't think she knew what to do either except give me the evil eye.

The four of us were at a stalemate when Bella started to move. It was like watching an accident in slow motion. Three grown men standing stupid as the drunk girl slowly began sliding down the only thing holding her up. Thank God for Jasper, who snapped to attention and grabbed her before her legs buckled and she became a puddle on the floor.

"I can walk, you know," she protested when Jasper lifted her up into his arms.

"I'm sure you can, darlin'. Sure you can. Do you feel better?"

"No."

Jasper chuckled at her emphatic answer. Bella moaned at the subtle movement.

"I'm going to throw up on you."

Jasper didn't laugh again as he stilled his body. I had to bite my cheek to keep from vocalizing my amusement.

"Where's your keys, Bella?" Jasper asked as he carried her to her door.

"Here."

"Here."

Jake and I answered in unison. He was holding her keys and I was holding mine with the master still attached. We both passed a snotty glance at each other and then waited as Bella eyed both of us.

"Thank you, Jake."

Damn bastard practically skipped to her door and unlocked it, holding it open for Jasper to bring her through. Jasper walked over and gently placed Bella on her bed. Then he grabbed the garbage pail and placed it within reaching distance.

"How much did you drink?" he asked her, kneeling beside her bed.

"Not enough." Her reply was muffled as she buried her head into her pillow.

"Do you need anything?"

"Can you make the whole fucking night disappear?"

"Sorry, kiddo. Can't help you there. Do you want me to get Alice? She could stay the night with you."

"No, I just want to sleep," she murmured as she kicked off her shoes and cradled her pillow. Jasper leaned over and tugged on her comforter until she was covered. He then stood up and tried to usher Jake and I towards the door.

"I'm gonna stay," I whispered to Jasper, hoping Bella didn't hear me.

"Edward, leave it alone tonight. Let her sleep it off," Jake piped in as Jasper continued his herding. My anger suddenly flared. Who the hell was he to tell me what to do?

"I think Jake is right." Jasper threw his two cents in.

"I'm staying."

"Go to hell, Edward." Bella's voice cut across the room to me. I never imagined she could infuse so much venom in her words. They practically stung.

And just as I opened my mouth to explain how I needed to stay and talk to her, she spoke again.

"Thank you for walking me home, Jake." Fucking adding insult to injury.

"Night Bella," he replied, his voice all sugary and full of crap. Jasper was visibly shaking, trying not to laugh out loud at the scene we were putting on for him. I wanted to clock them both. I would have, too, if not for spotting two of my residents lingering in the hallway. Jasper effectively closed Bella's door with a very loud click, and instead of knocking the Cheshire grins off their faces, I tucked tail and disappeared behind the safety of my own room. I was still the RA. I didn't want my residents blabbing around campus that I threw some punches in my hall. If I was being honest with myself, I just didn't want to deal with anyone or thing right now. Bella's words were still fresh.

I knew I was acting like a child. A scorned child at that. Fuck. Now that I knew she was safe and alone, all I wanted to do was talk to her. Be near her. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

The events of tonight were so weird and crazy and twisted that my head was spinning. In a matter of hours, there was kissing, slapping, revelations, panic, and vomiting. To top it off, Bella tells me to go to hell. The ironic thing is that I didn't need to go to hell--I was already there. I was already in eternal damnation because she believed I didn't want her.

How the hell could she think that? Was she completely oblivious to my reaction to our kiss? She was drunk. Maybe that's why she kissed me in the first place. I was a potential memory substitute. I wanted to pull my hair out. I was so turned around I didn't know what to think. And the only answers I would get would be from the girl passed out across the hall.

Fuck it. Maybe she was out cold. Maybe she wasn't. What I did know was that I couldn't sit here and stew about what happened tonight. If she was passed out already, at least I could be near her. If she wasn't, she couldn't really run away. It was her room.

I peeked out into the hall and it was empty. Like a stalker, I crossed the hallway and slipped the master into her door, and as quietly as I could, I turned the knob and entered. I closed the door with a soft click and was greeted by a shoe whacking me in the shoulder.

"Bella?" I whispered. The minute I said it, I wanted to swallow it back. Who the hell else would be in the darken room but her. Unless someone joined her when I was hiding in my room. I seriously needed to shut off my over-active imagination. I turned slowly around letting my eyes adjust to the darkness when another shoe whipped over my head.

"Get. Out."

"Bella, I just want to talk."

Her reply was a stuffed animal, which wouldn't have been bad if its large plastic nose didn't hit me square in the forehead. How the hell was her aim so good when she couldn't even walk a straight line?

"Damn it Bella, stop throwing crap at me."

"You deserve it."

"Bella, please." Maybe my smooth velvet would help her demeanor. I waited a few seconds, bracing myself for another hit. My eyes were now adjusted, and I could make out her figure on the bed. She moved her arm around and a garbled curse cut through the room as something crashed to the floor. Then a click sounded, and her bed lamp blinded me.

"Go away, Edward. I don't want to talk to you." Her voice was clear even with her arm shielding her eyes from the light. She was still in her dress, not even bothering to change positions since Jasper left her on the bed. Except the comforter was now kicked off. Her hips and legs were rocking slightly in what I could only assume was a soothing movement. I sometimes did that when I was really shitfaced and the room was wickedly spinning.

"I'm not leaving," I stated, more confident that being close by was a good thing.

"I'll call security," she snapped back. But her words lost their weight as she began to rock her whole body.

"I doubt you could even find the phone, much less dial it."

"Go away. Please." Her voice softer now.

"I can't."

"Bullshit. You had no trouble pushing me away earlier."

"Damn it, Bella. Would you just fucking listen to me?"

"Shit. Shit. Shit," she gasped as her head shot up and her hand went to her mouth. Her wild eyes shot around the room until she found the pail just in time to grab it and bring it under her chin. In a moment, I was next to her, holding her hair back as she continued to release her stomach contents into the bin.

A few minutes and several dry heaves later, she collapsed back onto her bed. I quickly took the pail to the bathroom to dump and rinse it out before returning to her room. I set the bin back in position, grabbed a water bottle from her mini-fridge and took a seat on the floor next to her bed.

She was paler now and covered in sweat. To make matters worse, she was shivering. I handed her the water and she took a few tentative sips.

"How much did you have to drink, Bella?"

"No enough," she mumbled as she struggled to get her discarded blanket back around her. I adjusted it for her and absent-mindedly I started gently rubbing her shoulders.

"Please leave me alone, Edward." Her eyes were closed and her voice was weak.

"I can't. Bella. Please understand. I can't leave you like this." My hand relocated to her head, and I let my fingers weave trails through her damp hair.

"Please. I want to forget this night ever happened." Her voice cracked at that last word. Her eyes were still shut to me but I could see the tears forming and mixing with the perspiration crawling down her nose. She sniffled once, twice and I brought my free hand to try and wipe away the sadness that was transforming her features.

"RA Handbook," I said in an effort to lighten the heaviness surrounding us.

"RA Handbook?"

"Yeah. It's in the handbook. I'm your RA. I can't leave you like this. You could pass out and aspirate vomit in your sleep."

"You're an ass, _RA. _"

I couldn't help but smile at uncensored and foul-mouthed Bella. This was a side of her I'd never experienced and I was shamefully enjoying every minute of it.

"I said that's why I can't leave. Why I won't leave is a different reason."

"Mmmm."

"You. I don't want to leave you. You mean to much too me."

Her eyes popped open at my words and she just looked at me. Looked within me. A few more tears escaped and I leaned close and kissed them from her nose. As my lips touched her skin, her breath washed over me. There was still a whiff of fruitiness mixed in with bitterness from her stomach, but I didn't care. She could have thrown up on me and I wouldn't have cared. All that mattered was that she heard what I said, and she believed it.

I leaned back and purposely ran my tongue over my lips absorbing her within me. Her eyes were still mesmerized with mine. I continued running my fingers gently through her locks. Her breath shuddered when I grazed her neck, and her eyes closed slowly in perfect contentment.

I continued methodically running my fingers over her head and down her shoulders. Even though her eyes were closed, I could not pull my gaze away from her face. A beautiful transformation was taking place before me. Stress lines eased from being across her skin. Her once red-rimmed eyelids were fading as her long eyelashes rebounded to their lush dry state. Her cheeks filled in with a more natural color, and her bottom lip was no longer held captive by her teeth.

I would have stayed there on the floor all night watching her sleep. That was my full intent. That was until my name crossed her lips. I couldn't help it. I kicked off my shoes and climbed on top of the covers to be closer to her. I slipped one arm under her head and brought my other one across her arms that were folded at her chest. With a slumbering sigh, she backed her body into mine. The icing on the cake was when she kicked her feet free of the covers to weave them between my ankles, effectively connecting us from head to foot. Her rhythmic breathing soon lulled me to sleep and it was perfect.

**A/N check out Bella's journal as it will be updated soon. To my awesome readers. You All Rock. I'm sorry for the length of time between postings. Just know that I am always working on this and please stick with me. Reviews are better than sunshine, so show me some love.**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Characters are the property of S. Meyer and Twilight. The plot and content of this story belongs to me. Read. Review. Enjoy. But don't plagiarize.**

I woke up to her touch. Her fingers grazing along my arm, bristling its fine hairs. Her thumb followed the stream of veins flowing to the crease of my elbow, her other digits tracing my outer muscles. The trail from her contact seared my skin with tingles and heat.

With every pass, every perfect imperfection of her fingers were amplified. The jagged nail on her ring finger. The callous on her thumb from continuously writing notes and letters. The tiny scab from a paper cut on her pinky. Her breath matched the strokes of her fingers and I found the slow methodical combination hypnotizing.

It was obvious she was awake. I briefly wondered just how long she had been up. Her caress was so soft and gentle. The tenderness and emotion that flowed from her fingers filled me. And in the back of my mind a spark ignited making me realize that no one has ever touched me like this before. Such a simple gesture that spoke volumes.

Her hair was nestled under my neck, its strawberry scent faintly infused with her natural oils. It curled and twisted over and under my chin and collarbone. A strand would twitch under my breath and tickle me. It was just one more part of her that I was connected too.

I continued to lie still, captured by her affections, mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest and the pulsing beat of her heart. It was such a perfect moment that I instinctively wanted to freeze time. Protect this silent sanctuary we were both nestled in. But I couldn't stop time from progressing and I knew things had to be said.

In the morning light that filtered through her purple curtains I fortified my resolve, coming to grips with the chaos of last nights events. Images of the evening flashed through my thoughts, sorting themselves like pieces of a puzzle. The pinning. The carnations flush against her cheeks. Holding her hand. The kiss. Her desperation. The anger in her slap. The pain in her words. Her disappearing act. The knowledge I had discovered. The overwhelming relief when she was in my sights again.

I really had no idea what I was going to say to her. What she was going to say to me. The pendulum swings both ways. It was definitely progress that I was cuddled next to her and that she was willingly running her hand over my skin. It intensified my conviction that I would not leave her side until she knew my feelings and understood what was going through my mind.

I just prayed that when I did finally open my mouth, that she wouldn't break this connection. She wouldn't shut down and pull away. Her fingers linking herself to my skin was a life-line for me. Giving me strength. Allowing me to hope that we could get through this inevitable hurdle. That I could ease her mind and not hurt her more.

The basic fact was that I was in love with her. I was more convinced now then I had been before. Her laughter embraced me in a way I'd never known. Her smile made my lips curl in a mirror image and her tears cracked my heart. When I looked in her eyes, I saw the stars and my body buzzed with electricity when I was near her and ached when she was gone.

Up until a few days ago, I would never have believed in soul-mates, even though my parents constantly shoved the concept down my throat with "It was love at first sight" and "I saw her across a crowded room." I had this crazy notion that when I found the girl of my dreams, there would be a mythical bolt of lightening signaling that I'd found my other half.

With Bella there was no bolt or zap. It was a slow, compulsive desire, building over days. Where tiny moments would give me glimpses of how perfect my imperfect life was with her by my side. Touching her didn't reveal an immediate spark, but a slow burn, an amplifying vibration containing such sweet intensity that it took my breath away every time.

"How long have you been awake?" her soft voice carried through the room, bringing me out of my thoughts. I sighed heavily waiting for her to retreat. Her fingers faltered for only a moment and then resumed their ministrations and my heart fluttered. She wasn't pulling away.

"A while," I answered, my voice hoarse from sleep. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"You're not disturbing me." It wasn't a question but there was enough of an inflection in her voice to make me believe it needed a response.

"I didn't want you to stop."

"Stop?"

"You hand on my arm. Your fingers. I didn't want you to stop."

"Mmm," she exhaled lightly, her fingers again faltering for a moment. But then after a deep breath, her other hand slid into my palm with a squeeze. Without hesitation I slipped my other arm under her head and cradled her further into my chest.

"I wouldn't have stopped," she continued, while giving my hand another squeeze.

"I know that now."

"Edward?"

"Yes."

"I need to know something."

"Anything."

"Why did you stay with me?"

Her question for some reason caught me off guard. Of all the thoughts running through me, why I stayed wasn't one of them. And a crazy wave of irrational insecurity spiked over me. _Was I not supposed to stay? Was she not happy I was here?_ I mentally yelled at myself to calm the fuck down and take in the facts. The most prominent being that she was in my arms, holding my hand. Taking a deep breath and regaining my emotional composure I answered her question the best way I knew how. With another question.

"You didn't want me to stay?"

"No. It's just… Why you would want to stay?"

"I didn't want to leave you alone."

"Oh." Her chest deflated along with her body. It was a physical signal that sent a shock to my brain, telling me that _that _wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. And given another second of silence her thoughts would travel further down the wrong road. I could feel it in her skin. I had to fix it.

"Wait. No. Shit. I'm not saying this right." I tugged her gently motioning her to turn towards me. I needed her to see my face if she was ever going to trust my words. She complied and shifted around. Her lips were cracked and her face was pale and she was scrutinizing me with her big brown eyes. I slowly and intentionally brought our still joined hand up to my mouth, placing a gentle kiss on each of her knuckles before continuing.

"When I couldn't find you last night I kind of went a little crazy. I was panicked because I didn't know where you were and I was worried. Not just because I couldn't find you. But because you weren't… with me. And when I finally found you, I didn't want to leave… I didn't like seeing you so hurt and upset."

"So… you stayed because I was upset?" she asked, still not fully understanding.

"Yes. But it's more than that. I stayed because I really care about you." A glint. An ember caught in her eyes, before being extinguished by her furrowed brow.

"I hit you Edward. Why would you care about me?"

"Because I do. And I can't stop. It's too late. Bella. Last night was half heaven and half hell. Kissing you…was… heaven."  
"And the rest was hell," she completed the sentence for me.

"Yeah. But more of a disastrous hell. Not the fiery one." I cocked by lips trying to lift the suffocating atmosphere that had unexpectedly encased us.

"No. It was more of the fiery kind," she uttered and that ugly face of anxiety reared its ugly head again in my mind. _What did she mean?_ _What was wrong. The kiss? The slap? Holding my hand? _What the fuck happened to my self-confidence.

Her head tilted down bringing her forehead to my chin. I steadied my brain, again, forcing it to stop over-reacting and over analyzing. Now was not the time to give in to my emotional side. I had to be strong. I also had to stop jumping to conclusions.

I brought my lips to her hairline and placed a tender kiss on her salty skin. Because I needed too. Because she needed me too. My hand still clutched in hers, I smoothed my thumb over her ridged finger joints. I let a few moments of silence pass before questioning her.

"Why was it fiery?" I asked, continuing with her train of thought. She paused again and I knew she was composing her answer.

"I drank too much. I propositioned you. I yelled at you. I hit you," she rambled, her breath soaking into my shirt. My heart swelled that she mentioned the after kiss action even though I knew she was leaving out an important factor, but now was not the time to push her.

"That's not entirely your fault, Bella." She started to shake her head but I continued. "I actually deserved it."

"No…"

"Stop. And. Listen. Last night you believed I didn't want you. You called yourself "sloppy seconds." I paused, noting her muscles flinch at the words I said. I tried not to wallow in guilt at haunting her with her own phrase. It was more important the she understood.

"You were wrong. You're not seconds. You can never be seconds. You are the beginning of my firsts." Her head shaking ceased and I continued.

"Last year, I would have screwed any girl at any time. But you are not just any girl. And I'm not that guy from last year. You hit me because you thought I didn't want you. But you are wrong. I do want you. I want to be with you. I want to hold you. And hug you. But more importantly, I don't want to be a memory substitute. I want to start new memories with you. I want there to be a thousand new memories. Memories with the two of us"

Her head turned back up revealing her glistening eyes and her tear stained cheeks. I knew the blush on her cheeks was not from crying alone. And as I cracked a smile, she pulled her lip into her teeth. It was a beautiful sight. I scooted my head and kissed her button nose even though it was her lips I was craving.

She released my hand and snaked it over my ribs to my back. I reciprocated pulling her into my chest and running my hand up the curve of her spine to the spot between her shoulder blades. The memory of last night flooded me and again I tightly pulled her heart to mine. Her nose grazed the spot just above my collar-bone and I was amazed at the tremor that coursed through me when it's cold tip settled against my skin.

"I want you to hug me. Like now. But Edward, I can't even think straight. I don't want to be with you just because you make me feel safe. I don't want you here because you think I need to be protected. I can't just jump into something."

"Bella. I don't want to jump into anything. I've done enough screwing around, remember? I just want the chance. I'll be grateful for whatever you can give. I just don't want to be the guy down the hall anymore."

One by one her muscles surrendered, as my words imprinted into her. First her legs, then her hips. Her flat stomach even relaxed and filled the void between mine. The tension evaporated from her shoulders and her arm draped around me became heavy and unburdened. The only movement was the twitch of her cold toes against my ankles, the steady movement of her lungs and her hand that was tracing tracks up and down my back.

Her body was quiet and her mind seemed at peace and again I realized that I had never held or been held in such complete serenity. I was becoming drunk on it. My own body mirroring hers if only to drink in more of her. Because now it wasn't just our bodies that were joined. It was something higher. Something unexplainable.

I traced smooth lines in her back with my fingers and she purred into my neck. The moisture from her breath dampening my skin. I burrowed my lips into her hair and kissed the spot just above her temple and she mewled again. The sound was making my ears burn and my body come alive. I shifted a bit, trying to twist away while still remaining as close as possible. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on me.

Bella giggled at my movement, which didn't help as her body twitched against me from the laughter. Not knowing how much more I could take, I maneuvered her to my side, her head cradled on my shoulder.

"What are you laughing at," I teased, needing a distraction.

She brought her arm across my chest and started to play with wrinkles that were permanently embedded into my shirt.

"You were telling the truth," she said. I looked at her to find her eyes intently watching her fingers. I couldn't perceive a single emotion from her face at this angle. And I had no idea what she was talking about. This was another occasion for the "Idiots Guide To Girls" manual. I knew I couldn't guess, because God forbid, I guess wrong. So I was left with no other choice but to ask her what she was talking about.

"What did I tell the truth about?"

"Earlier, when you said you wanted me last night. You weren't lying. You really do find me attractive." When she finished, she propped her torso up on the arm under her and looked at me. It was a piercing look. One that words could never fully describe.

Under her gaze I was fucking dumbfounded. I knew what she was alluding to. It was pretty obvious a moment before when we had been pressed together. But how do you respond to a statement like that. I had no clue. So I followed typical guy protocol and sputtered out the only words I could think of.

"I'm sorry."  
"Sorry?"

"Yeah. Shit. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable."

"You're not?"

"No… I kind of like it."

"You like it?" I gasped, not expecting that.

"Yes. I like it." Her eyes lashes blink several times before continuing. They actually blinked 16 times, but who was counting.

"I'm not ready. I don't know if and when I will ever be ready…you know… to be with another person. But it's nice to know that I'm still… desirable."

If I could, I would have pulled her under me and showed her just how "desirable" I thought she was. But considering the circumstances I just smiled. No, I beamed. I'm surprised I didn't pulled a facial muscle from the skin stretching extraneously across my face. I was even tempted to spout out the words "I told you so" but my brain filter threw those words out the fucking window.

"I told you. You. Are. Beautiful."

"Words are important. But sometimes actions speak louder than words." Her smile was brilliant, looking over at me. So brilliant that I was at a loss for nouns, adjectives, and verbs. But I didn't need words. Because she leaned into me and pressed her chapped, pale lips against mine and I forgot about everything except the heat of her mouth against mine.

No tongue or savory juices this time. I didn't pull her to me or grab at her skin with my hands. It didn't need too. It was an exquisite kiss in its own right. And the affect it had on my body was the same as last night. Searing heat. Paralyzing tingles. Breathless desire.

It didn't stop when her lips parted mine and for that fact alone I was grateful for the certain physical distance that our position allowed me. My brain knew that being with Bella, like that, was not a definite or even a possibility in the future. But I'll be damned if my body knew that fact.

It didn't matter though. I wouldn't want Bella any other way until she was completely ready to give herself to me, whether that be in weeks, months or even…yeah… or even years.

She snuggled back into my shoulder, her hand across my chest. I captured it with mine, holding it tight. She yawned. The cutest squeak emanated from her throat. I rubbed her back, telling her to go back to sleep, that I would be right here when she woke up.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome, beautiful."

**A/N: Again lots of love and hugs to TZ and a huge apology to my readers. I am so sorry for taking to long with this update. Writing doesn't always fit neatly into my real life, but please know that I will never give up this story. It's way to important to me and a lot of others out there.**


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